My 16 yr old has moved out to his nanas, he doesn’t get on with his step dad. I feel extremely guilty

[Jennlaw12]

My 16 year old has moved out and he has moved in with my mum.(his nana)
I feel so guilty because him and my husband (his step) dad didn’t get on but I feel this is all my fault.

Should I leave my husband and get a place on my own and get my son back.?
I’m so confused & upset I miss him so much.

[catlovingdoctor]

Are you for real?
Yes, of course you should put your son above your boyfriend.

[Dermymc]

Objectively whose fault is it they don't get on?

I'm going to say 90% will be your husbands fault as he is the adult.

Talk to your son and find out what he wants.

[Fairylea]

What is the back story? What’s been going on?

[hugoagogo]

What do you mean by doesn't get on with?

[Lynne1Cat]

Why don't they get on? What is the problem?

NO man (not even my husband, who is the father to my sons) would ever have been more important than my sons.

[AgentProvocateur]

Yes, you should leave your husband and get your son back. I’m surprised you need to ask.

[Byebyebye]

Depends if you want a okay relationship with your son or not.

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

How long has your husband been in your lives? Why do you feel them not getting on is your fault, instead of the adult actually causing the problems?

[TwitterQueen1]

You won't get many easy or sympathetic posts here OP. You have prioritised your own love life and your new husband above caring for your son. Of course you feel guilty.

You now have to decide what you want to do - put your son first or your new DH?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

There must have been a period of time during which the problems became apparent and your son decided to move out and you agreed. What were the issues and what did you all try to do to improve things before he felt he had to leave his home?

[gamerchick]

Depends on what you mean 'dont get on'. 16 yr olds can be tricky.

If they've never got on then you shouldn't have continued the relationship. It was important to me my kids gelled with my husband or it would have been a none starter.

[BarryTheKestrel]

How long have you been married? How long have they not got on? What do you mean by not getting on?

If your husband has been around for years and they've suddenly stopped getting on, chances are it's 16 year old boy syndrome. If you've had a whirlwind romance and they hate each other from day one, you were a fool to marry this man in the first place.

If it's typical teenage drama, fair enough. If it's violence, hostility etc etc not good and you need to be focusing on your son.

My mum and step dad were together since I was around 8, when I turned 15 I suddenly really really disliked him and we argued constantly. Given the chance I would have moved in with my nan too, but I would never have expected my mum to give up her happiness for me at that age as it was all teenage angst. A few years later we got on fine again until they split when I was 26.

[supadupapupascupa]

As a child whose mother chose two husbands over her four kids, not even inviting them to either wedding, do what you like. But when they reject you when they’re older you will only have yourself to blame. To be honest, my view is that any man who would allow this to happen and make you choose is not a man I could be with. He could move out, maintain the relationship until your son ia older. 16 is far too young to be abandoned imo

[HackAttack]

I got dropped for a new partner as a kid, forever changes your view of a parent and the world. I'd never do it to my children.

[AliceRR]

I really think it depends on what the issue is. People are very quick to say leave your husband because your son is not getting on with him (whatever that means) but you need to find a way to make things work with both of them. It is not necessarily a case of choosing and your son may simply be at a difficult stage and trying to manipulate you.

My point is simply it depends on the circumstances and we don’t know enough.

[Whoisalanbrazil]

My husband moved in with his nanna after his mum remarried a man he didn't get on with. The man was an alcoholic. His relationship has never recovered with his mum and at nearly 40 he hasn't forgiven her, isn't close to her, resents her hugely and in reality can't be arsed with her at all as she failed to put him first as a child and as a result he has none of the sense of wanting to be close and do the right thing that he would have otherwise had.

[Mumof4under10]

All depends by what you mean by they don't get on? How long as he been his step dad? My nephew is 15 is constantly arguing with his step dad threatening to move in with his dad runs away from home. Their arguments are over simple things such as doing his chores, doing homework, having a shower and changing into clean clothes. And his step dad has been in his life since he was a toddler. Used to get on really well then the teenage years hit and it's a battle for them all Some days.

[Jencl]

They did get on once upon a time but my husband wants him to stand on his own to feet to sort college and start to look into his future, but my son wants it easy.
I think it’s because my husband is firm with him and at his nanas he is allowed to do what ever he likes, as he is their only grandson.
I just want me son to be happy but I honestly don’t know what to do.

[Jencl]

He says at his nanas he has more space and doesn’t get moaned at.
He has his own outhouse with A sofa and tv he also is allowed to stay in bed till dinner then has bacon sandwich’s taken up to him.
What the life eh?
But when he’s home I want him up washed and dressed I want him sorted looking for what he wants to do at college etc job and future.
What is wrong and what is right!

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I lived with my nan on and off for most of my teens, my parents were still together but I had a much younger sister and was a typical teenage drama queen, my nan spoilt me rotten so it suited me living with her, plus the bus journey to school was better from her house and I was treated more like an adult rather than the lowest common denominator (ie my little sister) and had fewer rules. I would just have a row with my parents and strop off to my nan's house, I would see my parents a couple of times a week. I never considered how it would feel to them

So it depends in your situation. Does your mum treat your son like an adult, rather than a child? Can he wrap her round his little finger? It could just feel easier for him living with his nan, it might not be your DH's fault as such, he might just be the convenient excuse your son has given for wanting to be pampered for a bit.

[nibblingandbiting]

Well if that's all its about, that your husband wants him to start being responsible then don't leave him. He should be taking responsibility for his life whilst he still ahs guidance.
Doing college applications, visits etc is a part of this. He needs to be thinking about his future so he can apply for the right courses.

It's also annoying when GP's interfere so much and do everything they can to undermine you. If my mum hadnt been told to back to the fuck away my eldest would be a loner in his room playing video games, and her waiting on him. She was encouraging that

[Jencl]

He does get treated more like an adult at his nanas and gets a lot more privileges than at home.
My husband is firm but fair maybe a little bit too strict at times but As his mum and I have a heavy heart I always want everything to be ok and happy.

We never kicked him out or even told him he had to go it was all my sons choice to go.
We live in a village and his nana is in a town so there is a lot more to do.
But I can’t gelp feel guilty about this. If I moved to the town on my own would all be ok?
all me and my husband ever argue about is my son, it’s so difficult x

[AliceRR]

I think it is difficult but it sounds like your husband is not nasty or abusive to your son in any way. In a nuclear family one parent might be more strict than the other and it is the same in a family where one parent is the step parent. Frankly I find it quite ridiculous how many people told you to leave your husband before they even knew the situation! You are a family. You all need to work it out and if your son wants to live at his nana’s so be it but it is probably not preparing him very well for life in the real world.

[Jencl]

Yes that’s what we have discussed it’s not doing him any good.
I come from a broken home and I didn’t get on with my step dad either until I moved out which was exactly the same age 16.
But we just argue over my son all the time.
I told my husband we should ask my son if he wants to come on holiday with us but my husband said
1 he is nearly 17 I don’t want to share a room with him
2 he should be thinking about going on holiday on his own with his friends soon not his mum and step dad,,,,
3- he cant have the best of both worlds have it easy over at his nanas then come back to us when he feels like he’s missing something?
but me said I didn’t agree then we argue
( although I get his point) it still doesn’t sit right with me.
Am I wrong?
I’ve never experienced this before and I’ve never posted on here before.

[Mumof4under10]

I understand where your husband is coming from on him sorting out his future but he is only nearly 17 so why can't he have a family holiday with you. his last before he is an adult.? I don't think you've said but how long have you been married to this man? Does your son have contact with his father?