Child Maintenance Advice

[NorthernSpirit]

Can I ask fellow SM’s for some advice on CM (on behalf of my OH)?

2 years ago it was determined via the CMS calculator that my OH should pay £700 maintenance per month for his 2 children.

He had been paying considerably more than this for 3 years previous.

As part of the consent order (divorce finances) his EW asked for £75 more per month to ‘cover the children’s activities’. It was agreed (in court) that his EW wouldn’t ask for any more.

2 weeks after the court case she asked for more money. He reminded her what was agreed in court.

Recently his EW has started asking for more money again.

She asked for £500 for an activity she has signed one of the children up for (without any discussion with my OH, even though it affects his contact time). That’s a separate issue.

My OH agreed to pay £100 toward it and reminded her what was agreed in court.

WW3 has broken out (in the form of a vitriolic email). Normal for her.

She’s demanding to see his payslips.

My OH has checked the CMS calculator and is still overpaying every month (without this additional £100). I should add that he does buy clothes, pays for trips etc on top.

Can she demand to see his payslips or would she have to make a claim through the CMS)?

She’s also threatening that she’s going to tell the children that their dad won’t pay money so they can do things and he can explain his ‘pathetic’ contribution to them.

Any advice?

[user1487168313]

No she can't. Ask her to go through CMS, then he will need to provide payslips/P60, but then he will pay CMS calculator amount + what court says £75. Then just ignore her.

You can't stop her telling kids stories. How old are they? OH can have a sit down with the kids to explain things (that's what we did when ExW said to the kids daddy doesn't pay her and he pays everything in our household which is a utter lie).

[NorthernSpirit]

He read his court order last night the £775 (which included the £75 ‘extra’) was for a year only. After that she could take it to the CMS (and of course he would only ‘have’ to pay what they determined). Not that he would only pay the minimum.

Kids are 9 & 12. She refuses to co-parent. Uses the kids to send messages. So he’s prepared for the conversation.

[user1487168313]

Don't worry, they should be old enough to understand - "dad is happy to pay for whatever activities you want to do when you are with dad, and contribute when you are with your mum but he has to agree to the plan before mum signs up".

It can be very annoying when one parent uses the kids as blackmailing tool, don't get too stressed out here :)

[NorthernSpirit]

Thanks, appreciate the advice.

[runningscare]

Crickey... with hope with the ex going to CMS or asking for a review will make your DP stand his ground and only pay what he is expected to pay.

Some ex's really do see their kids as meal tickets ... my DH only pays CMS after the ex played games with child access to try and increase payments. My DH ex got quarter of a million... the house paid off and still dresses the kids in ill fitting clothes and doesn't let the kids dress in any appropriate clothes when they come to us ... ( we have DH children half of all school holidays and when at school we have them Friday till Mondays every other weekend and one night during the week) sometimes I can't help but feel we pay twice for everything for DH children.

[NorthernSpirit]

She wouldn’t go down the withholding contact route. She’s on a 3rd and final warning from the courts for stopping access. If she does it again the judge said he would ‘take the children off her and they would live with their father’.

Yep, same here. Although to be pair she does now work (16 hours). She was ordered by a judge to get a job and start supporting herself. We have everything we need for the kids at ours. She threatened recently that she would strip her (12 year old) daughter naked rather than she goes to dads in HER clothes. So you see what we are dealing with?

Part of me wants her to go down the CMS route. She’d get £75 a month less and it may teach her that my OH’s ‘pathetic’ contribution isn’t in fact so bad.

[runningscare]

Sounds like my DH ex ... sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind ... let her take her ex down the CMS route ... she will loose out. Your DP children will have access to the extra monies at yours no doubt... I am sure it isn't about the money in reality it's the principle in the end.

[NorthernSpirit]

You are spot on. Not about the money at all. It’s the principle that finances were agreed. My OH isn’t a bottomless pit. He would never want to see his kids go without.

[swingofthings]

Does she come from a world where £700 is a pittance? I guess it all comes down to what we are used to but my God I would have been over the moon if my ex paid that.... rather than what I got, that is nothing!

What do the kids get for that amount of money (when really, that should only count for half of the contribution)?

[SisterNotCisTerf]

He can just ignore all the shitty emails. He doesn’t need to engage with her on it. She knows what the court order says. She has been reminded enough times. He doesn’t need to keep reminding her.

Btw he isn’t “overpaying” to support his children. He is just paying more than the legal minimum he has to pay.

[NorthernSpirit]

@Swingofthings - no she grew up in a council flat. Sadly now has ideas above her station. I’ll give you an example - I Food shop in Aldi. The kids tell me ‘mummy only shops in Waitrose or M&S’. More fool her. All mums who work apparently are bad mothers, she was forced to get a job by the courts (wanted spousal maintenance but didn’t get it). She earns £10k a year (won’t work any more hours). My OH pays £9,300 for the kids. I really don’t know where this sense of entitlement has come from.

Take the point about use of the word overpaying - my mistake.

[Digitallife27]

I just read all that and not really contributing but man, EW sounds like a complete douche bag

[runningscare]

My DH pays the exact annual CMS allowance your DP pays too. The CMS rate is nearly the same as your DP ex wage for the year ... my DH ex wage is nearly 40k a year ... she claims child benefit too ... lord knows what that is? As unfortunately we are not able to claim any child benefit for our own child. DH ex actually receives more income with child benefit, CMS and her own wage then I do a year ... but we have our own child and I have a child from a previous marriage. When you look at it in black and white it appears unfair especially when the ex makes out she lives on the poverty line.

The system drives me insane as there are some good fathers out there ... but unfortunately there are some rubbish ones too.

[NorthernSpirit]

Yes, agree it seems unfair to those dads who do want to contribute.

2 years ago when they were sorting their finances out - she worked 16 hours and earned £10k. She claimed £18k in benefits. My OH pays £9,300 in maintenance. So she ‘earns’ in effect £37,300 tax and NI free. In real terms this is worth circa £52k to a working tax payer. She tried to claim spousal maintenance from my OH (she wanted £9k a year for 11 years) but it was thrown out of court as their ‘taxed’ take home pay was actually similar.

She also forgets that my OH does all the pick ups and drop offs (72 mile round trip) and the CMS would deduct the cost (£1,100 from his gross pay). He did raise that once when she asked for more money and it was met with ‘why should i pay your travel?’.

Thanks for the advice. Let’s hope she goes through the CMS!

[Crossroads18]

I would suggest going down the csa route, at least even so she can see why she would be 'entitled to' from their calculation and your husband can always choose to pay more. We use to pay half uniforms and every Friday maintenance so some months she would have 5 weeks not 4 weeks worth of money. This wasn't good enough though and she felt entitled to more. When he first left her he paid double the csa amount each week but when he moved in with us we had to reduce it a little (but it was still above csa rate and we also contributed half to uniform.) for us it is a 200 mile round trip to see them. We ended up going through csa so she could see she would be worse off? And she was and had a go at us! Not our fault that's what they calculated but now she is asking us to stop csa and go back to our original agreement as she realised she had more and she wouldn't constantly ask for money. And she would allow overnights again (as she stopped overnights to get more from
The csa) We will be staying with csa as it does just save aggro they can assess yearly what he should pay and take into consideration all the children living in your house and travel expenses in some circumstances. I think sometimes you have to do it out of principal that he isn't a never ending pit on money etc. I really hope you get it sorted. X

[PoesyCherish]

Let her go down the CMS route. And as you say, court orders are only enforceable for a year before either party can choose to go down the CMS route and have it reassessed.

[PoesyCherish]

Also seriously who threatens to strip their child?!

We have a clothes issue in that DSD comes in school uniform, goes back with the uniform and of course wearing normal clothes and we never see them again. But as frustrating as it is, it's about the child not us so we can't do anything about it.

[runningscare]

@PoesyCherish .... my DH ex send the children in clothes which are anything from 4 years too small, dirty or have holes in them ... now you tell me the logic of that ... some ex's do hate the ex's more then they love their own children.

[NorthernSpirit]

My OH is really easy going with clothes. Believes the clothes belong to the kids and it’s upto them if they want to take them back to mums.

Mum in the other hand is a different kettle of fish. Says they are ‘her’ clothes.

We’ve had the same - in Feb when it snowed my OH went to pick the kids up and they came out in shorts and flip flops. He now sends them back in to get changed. It’s a ploy from mum for my OH to buy them more clothes. Mum gets £9,300 a year that’s enough to buy them a coat.

[twiglet]

I'm not a SM but the advice on here is completely right she can't demand to see payslips. Tell your OH to stand his ground and respond with go to CMS if you want.

As for the threat of telling the children, make sure that you keep the emails as you may need them it counts as emotional blackmail which courts do not look favourably on. I would also get your OH to reply with please do not use the children as weapons for emotional blackmail,not ranting etc just that and save the email.

At 9 and 12 you can have a reasonable conversation should your OH need to about both parents loving them but sometimes mum and dad don't agree with things.

[NorthernSpirit]

Thanks for the advice. Appreciate that.

[NorthernSpirit]

My OH is paying £775 a month. Plus this month has paid an extra £100. The CMS calculation says the minimum is £685.

Thin you are right. The mum doesn’t think she should be contributing. I get that it’s hard being a single parent and she runs around after the kids.

When they went to court over their divorce finances she believed my OH should pay her mortgage in full for 11 years (£500 a month). Buy her a new car. Give her a £4K lump sum. Pay CM of £9,300 a year. She should get spousal maintenance of £700 a month.

The judge dismissed it all. My OH agreed to pay the CM amount.

I think she thinks she’s hard done by. Doesn’t think she should work or contribute financially.

I struggle with this. I was always taught to be independent and never relay on a man.

[Everytimeref]

According to some RP, the NRP should pay for 50% (or 100%) of child costs even if they only have the children two thirds of the time and the same RP expect to claim for 100% of any benefits they are entitled too.
The statement that annoys me the most is the CM rate is only a "minimum" No it's the amount that has been carefully calculated to make it as fair as any system can be.