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My 14 yo stepdaughter has refused to see me and her Dad for three years until yesterday and she arrived telling me it’s my fault because “I’ve ruined her relationship with her Dad”... please read!

(133 Posts)
Sunshineyday27 Thu 09-Aug-18 21:53:13

Hello,
My husband and I have been married for five years and have a four year old son. Initially I got on really well with my stepdaughter until she started pushing the boundaries when she stayed with us... would always ignore me, refer to me as “she” and “her” in third person as if I wasn’t actually there etc. It happened over a period of about sixth months and me being eight months pregnant at this stage, I turned to her and said “who is she? And asked my husband to address this as I was really hurt by this behaviour”. Ok I was probably massively tired being pregnant too but it was really weighing me down.

My stepdaughter was only staying every other weekend as had been the case since she was two years old.

Cut to a year after this event and she started ignoring my husband, wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. My husbands mother then got involved and went over to see her granddaughter to have a “meeting” with her granddaughter and the ex and I was then told by his mum that it was my fault that I’d not accepted my stepdaughter and that I was always picking on her etc etc which was not the case.

Anyway after being in our new house for three years she has this week decided she wanted to come and stay. We had two days notice and have since turned her room into abit of a dumping ground with all the stuff we haven’t unpacked etc. When she got here she went straight to “her” room, saw that it wasn’t her room now in her eyes (she hasn’t stayed for three years or being in much contact) then FaceTimes her mother in tears.

My husband jumps in and starts talking to our daughter/stepdaughter and she screams at me “I hate you, you’ve ruined my relationship with my Dad, you are so childish I hate your personality”.

My husband was really good here and stepped in. We had a really long chat all together about marriage, the change of dynamic etc etc but it’s clear she hates my guts and is with her grandmother on this that I’m the evil stepmother who hasn’t accepted her etc etc.

Me and my mother in law have our own difficult relationship because I’m the Christian girl that married her Jewish son!

It feels like my stepdaughter is giving my husband an ultimatum. Her and my husband... or nothing at all?????

I’ve not slept for two days stressing about this! Any advice welcome thank you xxx

Cheekyandfreaky Thu 09-Aug-18 21:58:38

I don’t have any experience but I would/ enlist DH to clear her room and just take it from there. I don’t think this is your fault but she does which might be her perspective or others. Give it time and give her and you space maybe?

Yokatsu Thu 09-Aug-18 22:11:29

Your perspective is massively different from your DSD. That doesn't mean your wrong, but shes not necessarily wrong either.

So she started playing up massively when her role in the family was under threat and she will be feeling rejected. Whether you mean to or not, and your post smacks of it, you withdraw from her further, because your pregnant and who needs the stress when they are pregnant. Its not unreasonable but it will make the situation worse.

Then when she does come around mentally and physically, her space in the family is literally gone. Instead its a dumping ground for unwanted things.

It all feeds into her insecurity over being unwanted now you are around

None of this is unreasonable on your part, but your DSD perspective is going to be very different to yours.

If you want to fix it, start by grovelling. Clear the room out offer to help her decorate it or put a few poasters up. Its not unfixable in the end she reached out so she wants the relationship. You need to reach out back now

Yokatsu Thu 09-Aug-18 22:12:47

Two days notice was more than enough time to have cleared thay room

UndertheCedartree Thu 09-Aug-18 22:14:42

It sounds like it was at the time of your pregnancy that DSD began to feel unsettled, understandably. A new baby is bound to bring up feelings especially when the new baby is with DF new partner.

I can also understand how upsetting it was for her to reach out and then find that her room had 'gone' as such as if she didn't matter anyway.

I think a lot of reassurance is needed from her DF to rebuild their relationship. It's a shame he couldn't have sorted her room before she arrived so she knew she was really wanted.

Perhaps lots of one to one with her dad to rebuild the relationship and make her feel secure before you try to rebuild your relationship with her? I can understand how hurtful her behaviour to you must feel but try not to take it personally - it is just her way of expressing her feelings about her relationship with her dad and how it is affected by a new wife and child.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Thu 09-Aug-18 22:16:47

you had two days to clear her room of your unwanted junk though. She might feel like unwanted junk tbh.

Snappedandfarted2018 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:18:09

Have you posted about this before if so there was a lot more to this story and the dd wasn’t getting anytime whatsoever with her df on her own.

Howhot Thu 09-Aug-18 22:21:48

I really feel for her. I think you all need to make more of an effort and you definitely should have cleared the room for her. It must be hard for her after all these years to make the decision to come and stay and you should have been making an effort to welcome her and make her feel at home. Instead she'll have been left feeling forgotten about and second best to her step sibling. Teenagers aren't entirely reasonable or rational but I can see why she'd be upset.

Sunshineyday27 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:28:45

Having not see the state of the room you have no grounds for making this comment! I also work and have a small child to look after in the evening!

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Thu 09-Aug-18 22:29:41

its not her step sibling, its her half brother.
Honestly, speaking as someone who was in a similar situation as a teen, the room thing is really horrible.
Why did nobody make time or effort to clear it for her?

Sunshineyday27 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:30:22

?

Howhot Thu 09-Aug-18 22:30:31

Eh? You're the one who posted on a public forum. It invites opinions. What response did you want? confused

Sunshineyday27 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:32:43

Regarding the room situation- my sd has never stayed overnight here so it has been a room she’s wanted to decorate like in our old house.

WhiteCat1704 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:33:47

2 days notice when the room was empty for 3 years is not long enough to clear it, especially if it was during a week and with a toddler..
sd sounds like she has issues and the screaming itself is something that needs to be addressed first before you start doing things for her..

You MIL sounds like a nightmare..did DH tell her to back out? What is his view on the situation?

MadMags Thu 09-Aug-18 22:34:23

its not her step sibling, its her half brother.

What a dickhead thing to say!

Yokatsu Thu 09-Aug-18 22:34:57

Wow... and you and your DH let her see it like that and seemingly have no compassion for why she might be upset?

You do it because you care. Now you recognise you've done wrong (even if it is as a victim of circumstances) and you seek to correct it.

But you really dont think you've done anything wrong do you?

I take it back your DSD seems to have the situation nailed. It was a test. You failed the test. Probably not repairable

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Thu 09-Aug-18 22:35:17

but you clearly said,

" have since turned her room into abit of a dumping ground with all the stuff we haven’t unpacked etc. When she got here she went straight to “her” room, saw that it wasn’t her room now "

Then she became upset....

So the room thing is key, it would seem from what you say.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Thu 09-Aug-18 22:37:12

why is correcting 'step sibling' for 'half brother' a dickhead thing to say?

Step siblings do not share a biological parent, but half siblings, like these ones, do.

How is it dickish to point this out? Do tell.

Sunshineyday27 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:38:06

Thanks white cat we are on the same wavelength. The mil discusses me in front of my sd and her mother and then says that it’s my fault. Luckily my husband sees the situation for how it is. My sd stayed in the lounge but we made it really cosy for her and made it her space.

MadMags Thu 09-Aug-18 22:38:58

Oh my god I’m so sorry! I literally blanked and didn’t see the “step”. flowers

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Thu 09-Aug-18 22:39:59

lol it's fine Mags. It is one of my little obsessions I admit..

DelphiniumBlue Thu 09-Aug-18 22:40:50

Well, it's a shame about her room, but presumably her father could have sorted it? I can understand that you're both busy, but it would have been nice to have made her feel welcomed.
You've said that she thinks you pick on her, and you say you don't.
Maybe it would be an idea to think back over what you've said, and what she might have misinterpreted as criticism.
Whatever the rights and wrongs, best you apologise for upsetting her, even if you think you're in the right, explain that you want her to be part of your family, that you've missed her and want her to be there, and then be very careful what you say after that.
Let Dh do any discipline, make sure he has plenty of 1:1 with her, and maybe some time with her brother, without you being there. I know it's your home, but her primary relationship is with her dad, then her brother and you last of all.
It will take time, and you will have to bite your lip a lot.

Yokatsu Thu 09-Aug-18 22:40:53

1 very long night is enough to clear it if you care enough. 1 house clearance firm/man with a van if you really cant.

You at least tidy it if neither of the above us possible, clear the bed, put a favourite cuddly toy out, appropriate bed linen etc. Then talk abput how ypur going to spet it and she can decorate it.

"thus will always bee your home", "you'll always have a room with us" etc. Its the thing people say without having a clue what it really means.

WhiteCat1704 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:41:40

take it back your DSD seems to have the situation nailed. It was a test. You failed the test. Probably not repairable

Since when teenage drama queens get to "test" their fathers?

Re room..she cut her father off for 3 years..room has been used for other things..with 2 days notice she decides to suddenly see 3 people she ignored...i would say she just experianced natural consequence..
Screaming and dramatic face timing her mother-not acceptable

God some 14year old girls are a nightmare..

zzzzz Thu 09-Aug-18 22:42:12

So what about forgetting all the could have/should haves and asking her if she’s like it if you all worked together to get her a room she likes at your house and if she’d like to come and stay the night when it’s done either with you all there or you could take the Baby to stay with someone (your parents?) for the night so she could have some time with her Dad alone?
Sometimes you just all have to try really hard.

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