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At a loss(14 Posts)
Hi all, looking for advice before I throw the towel in. Been with my partner for over 5 years, I have a 10 old boy. He has two children boy aged 13 and girl aged 11.
The blended family thing was amazing for the first 4 years, kids all got on (argued at times, but only usual stuff) we went on holidays together and always made sure we did fun stuff when his kids came to visit.
We haven’t rushed in the relationship and only moved in together 3 years in. We moved to a gorgeous 4 bed so all had own room. Life really was looking good and I was so happy to have my blended family.
We went on holiday last August, had a fab time. Came back and out of the blue and two weeks later my partners girl refused to come saying she didn’t want to see me. She couldn’t give any reason why to my partner or even her mum.
We are now a year on and my partner has to take her on a day out separately, she still won’t say what I have done to upset her. Of im honest and reading between the lines her mum is quite nasty and Jelous and think she has always said things in front of the kids. so don’t think that has helped.
My partner is torn and we have debated over the last year as to what to do for the best, splitting up and to be honest it has put a massive strain on our relationship. He is torn and does not know what to do, as he says I have done nothing wrong and don’t deserve this but he obviously wants to maintain a relationship. He will not talk to to his ex as she can be awkward and I suspect she is maybe fulling the fire, although I’m confused as to what her motives would be, she left my partner for another man some 8 year she before we got together and is now married to him. He can’t or won’t talk to his daughter because she’s crys and then doesn’t want to spend time with him. It’s also had an effect on my son who loved being part of a blended family and can’t understand it either, his son is 13 and comes less but this is down to him being all for his friends and busy.
On one hand I think cut losses and run and hopefully she will start seeing him like she used to and on the other I’m thinking why should outle relationship be decided upon an 11 year olds actions, for no good reason at that.
We have spoke about splitting up and he I think he is also I two minds, I overheard him talking to his brother earlier and planning a day out with the kids, but whispering so not to hurt my feelings abs he daughter won’t allow myself or son to go.
I was always mindful of not making her jealous, we hardly showed any affection to each other when she’s was around, so not to make her jelous.
Anyways, sorry for the war and peace and if you got to the end thank you. Any advice would be appreciated xx
I think there are 2 issues behind it. One is her Mother. She's jealous of the relationship you have built with her daughter and is threatened by it. She'll get over it. As best you can, ignore it. Rise above it.
The other is your DP's daughter. She's 11, so she's probably feeling really conflicted about her feelings for you. It sounds as if you guys have managed to form a bond, and that scares her, because she thinks that she's being disloyal to her Mother by liking, maybe even loving, you. Unfortunately that will only change with time.
If it's not too late, DON'T let it ruin the relationship you and your DP share. Tell your DP that you understand how hard it is for him, and that as much as you miss his daughter, you know that they have to resolve whatever it is in their own time, together. If you make him choose between you and his daughter, I'm afraid you will loose. She's only 11, and she needs to know that her Dad will always love her unconditionally. In time, she will understand that her Dad can love you, without it changing the love he has for her. She's his baby and always will be, even when she's an old lady, she'll be his baby. He needs to tell her that.
If you get the opportunity, tell your SD that you understand she's going through a rough time at the moment and that's ok. Tell her that you care about her and will be there for her, but you are not trying to replace her Mother, and you never will. Tell her she has a perfectly good Mother (even if she's an unbalanced nasty piece of work, you keep that to yourself, ALWAYS), and she doesn't need another one. Then back right off and let her come round in her own time. She will.
Of course it's put a tremendous strain on your relationship. Blended families are hard work. You get over one crisis only to be blind sided by another one. From personal experience, I can see why so many blended families fail.
The only thing you can do anything about is your relationship with your DP. If you can keep that strong, and work in the same direction together, then together, you will be able to ride out the ikky bits.
Bleh..it's unacceptable that your DP is allowing his 11year old to hold your relationship hostage and dictate the terms. He should be very very firm with her and not allow you to be treated like that.
No way would I agree to this sudden split after years of functioning as a family.
He is allowing it though and it's a clear sign he is not worth being with.
Your SD will only grow more manipulative and difficult as she becomes a teenager..your DP by not finding out whats bothering her and just going along with her drama is encouraging her to treat him and you(by proxy) like a doormat.
I had a lot of issues with my DM when I was a similar age. It's hard when your parents separate, but that's how life is sometimes.
IMO, your DP should be firm and find out what her problem with you really is and see what can be done about it. I do feel as though it is ridiculous that an 11 year-old could be sabotaging her Dad's happiness.
--Unless a step parent was abusive, which obviously isn't the case here.
All the best, OP. I hope that you can get this sorted soon.
It's hard to understand what is going on in their mind but kids have different needs and some do blend in families better than others.
My DS decided not to see his dad any longer. He never settled in the blended family thst he created and valued. He is a more introverted child who feels more at ease in one to one situations. When I managed to talk he said thst he felt awkward when he was there and felt he didn't belong. What he really needed was more time with just his dad but his dad was adamant that it was the whole family or nothing.
It's a very hard situation but I think your OH is doing the right thing. I know it is hard to do so but I would try not to take it personally. It is likely not you as a person she is rejecting but you taking time away from her dad. It is likely not her getting capricious to say she will only see
Her dad on her own but a real need.
I don't think you should break up over it though as it will most likely get better. Is it really unbearable to accept your OH spending some time alone with his DD very couple of weeks? You could see it the same as if he had a hobby he dedicated some time to. He loves you and he loves herand is trying hard to meet everyone's needs.
Wow I really feel for you. I don't think this should be allowed to sabotage your relationship though.
I am a little surprised that it has been allowed to rumble on for almost a whole year without her having been made to give any proper reasoning for it though?
She is obviously going through some very complex emotions but that does not mean she should be able to just say "I don't want to" and it be left at that when its something that has such a big impact on the whole family, particularly at just 11 - was she still 10 when this all started? Sorry, don't meant to bash your partner but I don't understand why he didn't get to the bottom of it straightaway? I appreciate she gets upset and he probably didn't want to make it worse but she is still a child and is being totally unreasonable. If she has reasons for this sudden intense problem with you then she needs to talk about them.
Does she seem bothered that she is spending less actual time with your DP as a result of refusing to come to the house? Obviously she gets him to herself but in terms of actual time, it must still be quite a reduction?
P.S I agree with Swing - I don't think its anything personal to you at all. xx
I agree with @WhiteCat1704 & @T2705 - I think it's shocking that your dp has let this go on for so long without getting to the root of it.
While it's most likely nothing to do with you as a person, it is personal as whatever distress your dsd is going through is being taken out on you & that's just not fair.
I also agree that she needs one on one with her dad (& as swing says some kids will have differing needs within the blended unit) but it does sound like all kids were initially getting their needs met within the family & that somewhere along the line that changed for your dsd.
I'm a dm & a sm & any issues my dscs have had with me or my kids have not been the result of anything we've done or said, it's been as a result of stuff their dm has said to them about me or my kids. I'd nearly guarantee that something similar is going on here & your dp needs to man up. My dp had to have a very hard conversation with his then 11 yo last year who had taken to being really horrible to me & my kids - reason was his dm had told him his dad had been having an affair with me & had left them for me & my kids (all lies)! The poor kid didn't know which end was up.
I'm not dm bashing (I am one!) & it may not be anything to do with her & could be something else entirely but your dp owes it to your relationship to get to the bottom of this. Your dsd may say she doesn't want to talk but I'll guarantee that she does - she just doesn't know how as she's only 11. He needs to provide the space & time for them to have a proper chat.
Hi all, thank you for taking the time to read and advise.
I have never expected him to choose or not see his daughter (I know what I would say vice Verda) although it hurts that myself and son can not be involved and deliberately being excluded. The only reason I’m thinking of splitting is because, my partner has become distant with myself and son because of all this.
I go through the emotions of anger, why is he (and Mum) letting her do this, I would not allow my son to do it (who at 10 said mum I can’t see why she is doing this, she liked coming here) I also go through the emotion of feeling sorry for my partner that he has been put in the middle and he is scared to death, she also turns on him (her mum is a bit of a nightmare so won’t force her to come/meet up with her dad) i did send a message asking if she thought there was anything I could do to help/resolve the situation, I got no reply (I do think she likes the fact it’s causing upset) I have a fab relationship with my sons step mum and did try and build one with my partners ex (failed miserably). She is very jelous, of house, cars etc, even though she also has nice house, car. The kids don’t want for anything, he pays an amount each month, and they also get whatever they want if they ask, trainers, games etc (which I don’t agree with but not my money)
I could understand all this, if it was in the beginning of the relationship or even if we had a fall out (I purposely never intervened in the parenting side of it) she used to actually choose to spend time with me and my son whilst her dad went off to footy with 13 year old as well and I must say she was better behaved and easier to get along with.
I don’t want to split up, but when I have my partner saying he doesn’t know what he wants and the fact it’s been a year, im starting to think things are not going to improve and should I just cut losses and think about myself and son. I was perfectly happy just me and son before I met my partner and now I’m just miserable, as is my partner. He is actually going to see a therapist tomorrow as he is utterly depressed with it all, (may jump in the session after his) again thank you for the advice xx
In addition to above, he has questions her, both by taking the softly softly approach and firm at the beginning but she just cry’s uncontrollably and screams to go home. H actually had to drop something at home a few months ago before taking her home after a day out, and he said she was beside herself crying because she as even near the house (it’s like I’m the devil) but I can hand on heart say I have done nothing or said anything to her. I have never called her mum (to her) ans used to make a point of asking how she was, what had they been up to etc.
It’s a bit strange that all was good for four years and then without warning she refuses to see you. Did she come to yours between returning from the holiday and deciding she wasn’t seeing you anymore? Did anything happen on holiday? Did you have to tell her off or anything? What about your son and her- do they get on? Did they have a fall out on holiday? What where her exact words when she said she wasn’t coming again?
That’s exactly what we said, no she turned up on a planned weekend and didn’t want to come in, and wanted to spend the day with her mum and step dad, cried to go home and her mum came and picked her up.
I have never told her off ever (even when I probably should have done) although there was an incident on holiday where she was nasty to my son and I literally just said “that wasn’t very nice” and I left it there! That is the only think I can think off, but following that night, I was doing her hair and having fun getting ready and doing girlie things etc. When we dropped her off she bounced out the car saying see you all next weekend! Very strange indeed. She is very needy where her mum is concerned and I did think, does she feel like she is missing out when not with her, and the weekend she came and got picked up has shown her if she says she won’t go because of me, she doesn’t have to? I don’t know, it’s all guess work x
Gosh @Natlouc - that all sounds so strange & with more info I can totally see why you're at a loss.
Hopefully the counseling/therapy session tomorrow may throw some light on things.