Unfair exw

[lycanwolf]

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

[MrsSnootyPants2018]

Does your DH pay maintenance? If so that should be going towards the uniform. If not, then he should pay half.

[SanFranBear]

it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home

Uhm - that's perfectly normal.. they should feel like your home is their home so a small wardrobe of clothes is the least you can do.

With regards the request for uniform costs - again, that is pretty normal I would think as they are costs for their child. Does he pay maintenance?

[lycanwolf]

No, he doesn't pay maintenance anymore he used to give her £250 a month and additional costs as and when. Of course he'd like to be in a position to help out but I think she should show some compassion for our situation at the moment.

[abbsisspartacus]

I'm guessing he pays nothing because he is off work with depression?

She should know better to expect help then

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

another way of expressing this would be that you are married to a man who cant or wont help pay for his children's essential clothes..

Does he pay maintenance?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

He's not paying maintenance? That is really unfair. What does he expect her to raise his kids on? Thin air? Not surprised she's asking him to pay half.

[Magda72]

Does she know his MH situation?

[lycanwolf]

Yes she does know

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" Of course he'd like to be in a position to help out "

sorry but this actually upsets me. Since when was being a parent 'helping out'? since when did it become optional? And why do second wives collude in it?
Now try to imagine it's a few years down the line, and it is YOU in this situation..
perfectly possible.

[StepBackNow]

If he isn't earning any money then he can't pay maintenance. Why are some posters so snotty? He's ill and off work. He can't magic money from his arse.

[LuluBellaBlue]

Your husband should be paying half of all costs inc uniform, either directly or via maintenance.
As for ‘she won’t provide the basics for when they come here’ - why the hell should she?? Their father should be! FFS!!
I have suffered with serious mental health issues, full blown PTSD, depression, anxiety, x 2 court cases..... but guess what? As a single mother I didn’t have the opportunity to not work, not contribute towards my child. I made sure they were fully cared for emotionally, physically and financially.
It sounds like your husband needs to step up to being a father.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" He's ill and off work. " well then he can contribute some of his sickness benefit cant he? like so many parents have to.

[Magda72]

I think there's a very broad spectrum of depression ranging from mild to extremely severe. If OP's dp is so incapacitated by depression that he genuinely can't work & provide then he should be cut some slack while he & his doctors try to get him back on track.

[lycanwolf]

Thanks @StepBackNow he can't pull it from nowhere

[WatchingFromTheWings]

So if ExW and her DH suddenly find themselves out of work they'd have the option not to pay for the kids too??? He needs to support HIS kids! CMS and help towards uniform etc.

[Bluebell878275]

it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here

It's not for her to do that. You and your DH should be doing that FFS

[SummerGems]

If he was ill and still living with the mother of his child nobody would say that the child should go without because he can’t afford to pay.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

has he claimed sickness or incapacity benefit then?
He can go to CAB to find out about these , if not.

[AdelaideK]

He's not "helping out" like he's doing the mother a favour. He should be providing for his children.

[LuluBellaBlue]

So if he’s perhaps off work is he stepping up and having his 2 children more so helping with childcare? That would enable the mum to work more hours if she’s no longer receiving any maintenance.
That’s the very least I would expect from a parent.

[SummerGems]

Whatever he is making in benefits (assuming he is receiving them) some of that should go towards bringing up his own children.

This notion that the ex should provide everything is disgraceful.

[catlady34]

If he's not paying any maintenance, I don't see why she should provide "the basics" for when they stay with you. One full time and one part-time wage may not be a lot split between all four of them.

[PrettyLovely]

"It's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home."

So as well as your dh not contributing financially you also expect his ex to clothe them and buy toys for when they are at yours?
Wow

[lycanwolf]

The dc come over eow unless they have plans with friends, like a party or sleepover