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Unfair exw

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lycanwolf Wed 08-Aug-18 13:31:32

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP’s posts: |
MrsSnootyPants2018 Wed 08-Aug-18 13:33:10

Does your DH pay maintenance? If so that should be going towards the uniform. If not, then he should pay half.

SanFranBear Wed 08-Aug-18 13:34:22

it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home

Uhm - that's perfectly normal.. they should feel like your home is their home so a small wardrobe of clothes is the least you can do.

With regards the request for uniform costs - again, that is pretty normal I would think as they are costs for their child. Does he pay maintenance?

lycanwolf Wed 08-Aug-18 13:36:17

No, he doesn't pay maintenance anymore he used to give her £250 a month and additional costs as and when. Of course he'd like to be in a position to help out but I think she should show some compassion for our situation at the moment.

OP’s posts: |
abbsisspartacus Wed 08-Aug-18 13:36:40

I'm guessing he pays nothing because he is off work with depression?

She should know better to expect help then hmm

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Wed 08-Aug-18 13:37:19

another way of expressing this would be that you are married to a man who cant or wont help pay for his children's essential clothes..

Does he pay maintenance?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 08-Aug-18 13:37:55

He's not paying maintenance? That is really unfair. What does he expect her to raise his kids on? Thin air? Not surprised she's asking him to pay half.

Magda72 Wed 08-Aug-18 13:38:51

Does she know his MH situation?

lycanwolf Wed 08-Aug-18 13:39:33

Yes she does know

OP’s posts: |
Scaredandshattered Wed 08-Aug-18 13:40:26

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Wed 08-Aug-18 13:41:04

" Of course he'd like to be in a position to help out "

sorry but this actually upsets me. Since when was being a parent 'helping out'? since when did it become optional? And why do second wives collude in it?
Now try to imagine it's a few years down the line, and it is YOU in this situation..
perfectly possible.

StepBackNow Wed 08-Aug-18 13:41:41

If he isn't earning any money then he can't pay maintenance. Why are some posters so snotty? He's ill and off work. He can't magic money from his arse.

LuluBellaBlue Wed 08-Aug-18 13:41:46

Your husband should be paying half of all costs inc uniform, either directly or via maintenance.
As for ‘she won’t provide the basics for when they come here’ - why the hell should she?? Their father should be! FFS!!
I have suffered with serious mental health issues, full blown PTSD, depression, anxiety, x 2 court cases..... but guess what? As a single mother I didn’t have the opportunity to not work, not contribute towards my child. I made sure they were fully cared for emotionally, physically and financially.
It sounds like your husband needs to step up to being a father.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Wed 08-Aug-18 13:42:51

" He's ill and off work. " well then he can contribute some of his sickness benefit cant he? like so many parents have to.

Magda72 Wed 08-Aug-18 13:44:33

I think there's a very broad spectrum of depression ranging from mild to extremely severe. If OP's dp is so incapacitated by depression that he genuinely can't work & provide then he should be cut some slack while he & his doctors try to get him back on track.

lycanwolf Wed 08-Aug-18 13:45:03

Thanks @StepBackNow he can't pull it from nowhere

OP’s posts: |
WatchingFromTheWings Wed 08-Aug-18 13:45:41

So if ExW and her DH suddenly find themselves out of work they'd have the option not to pay for the kids too??? He needs to support HIS kids! CMS and help towards uniform etc.

Bluebell878275 Wed 08-Aug-18 13:46:04

it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here

It's not for her to do that. You and your DH should be doing that FFS

SummerGems Wed 08-Aug-18 13:46:10

If he was ill and still living with the mother of his child nobody would say that the child should go without because he can’t afford to pay.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Wed 08-Aug-18 13:46:28

has he claimed sickness or incapacity benefit then?
He can go to CAB to find out about these , if not.

AdelaideK Wed 08-Aug-18 13:46:54

He's not "helping out" like he's doing the mother a favour. He should be providing for his children.

LuluBellaBlue Wed 08-Aug-18 13:47:12

So if he’s perhaps off work is he stepping up and having his 2 children more so helping with childcare? That would enable the mum to work more hours if she’s no longer receiving any maintenance.
That’s the very least I would expect from a parent.

SummerGems Wed 08-Aug-18 13:47:59

Whatever he is making in benefits (assuming he is receiving them) some of that should go towards bringing up his own children.

This notion that the ex should provide everything is disgraceful.

catlady34 Wed 08-Aug-18 13:49:35

If he's not paying any maintenance, I don't see why she should provide "the basics" for when they stay with you. One full time and one part-time wage may not be a lot split between all four of them.

PrettyLovely Wed 08-Aug-18 13:49:45

"It's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home."

So as well as your dh not contributing financially you also expect his ex to clothe them and buy toys for when they are at yours?
Wowshock

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