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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

School holidays.

114 replies

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:19

Hey all, just looking for some advice because sometimes I worry I’m looking at everything from one viewpoint or being biased etc etc and I think sometimes it’s good to stand back and get the viewpoint of other people. This is the second lot of school holidays to occur since meeting my partner. Last year I wouldn’t have said I had major involvement however this year I’d say I have a bit more input regarding the kids (much to the mothers dislike) and obviously this would involve holidays. We took the kids for a long weekend away to a holiday park a couple weekends back (which they loved) as this is what my partners says off would allow and as you can imagine our budgets allowed for. I think more than three days would have been chaos and to be honest with the young ages of the kids I think three days to them is a holiday anyways. Regardless, last week the ex messaged my partner “have you asked about time off in the holidays?” I have to entertain them for six weeks etc. And I’m honestly so unsure of my stance. Her parents have them for her ALOT, something mentioned by the kids themselves so we know they will be helping her out (probably more than they reasonably should) and obviously when my partner was with her he wouldn’t have taken six weeks off to have them with her. But still they are his kids and he doesn’t stop being a parent just because he’s stopped being there. He has a weeks holiday to use but me perhaps selfishly would like a weeks holiday this year like anyone would and so would he but at the same time kids come first. I’m so torn at what he should do. Even if he took the week off it would just be his kids spending time at his mums with him as he hasn’t booked any holidays etc. Fair enough of her to ask but a week before the summer holidays start?! Should he?

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Brakebackcyclebot · 31/07/2018 13:23

They are his children, and you are seriously asking if he should take any time off to look after them in the school holidays???

I am a divorced mother to 2 DCs. My ex has the children for part of the school holidays. He might go away with them. He might be working, and sort out childcare for them while they are with him.

Long and short of it - he is their dad. Of course he should take care of them during the holidays. I am rather shocked that he only has a week. He should have thought of this before. It sounds like his ex works too. Why should all the childcare arrangements fall to her and her parents?

AJPTaylor · 31/07/2018 13:30

a week out of the 6 weeks and you/he are questioning whether it reasonable?
he must get the stat 4 weeks. use one of those for your time off together

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:34

They have an awful arrangement. It’s every other weekend he has them to stay and alternate Wednesday evenings he takes them for dinner. They have never discussed things like summer holidays etc. No I do not know why. She definitely doesn’t work no, nor drive, and she has no intention to. I try to sympathise but she makes everything difficult. Everything.
He cannot sort childcare for them as unlike his ex he cannot rely on his mother all the time. I think they both should have thought of it before. But they have no written agreement and no proper discussions regarding holidays. He works full time and his holidays definitely wouldn’t allow him more than two weeks off a year as he has to reserve some at Christmas. And he’s used a weeks worth attending parents evenings/sports days/ funerals and hospitals where one of the children is ill.

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freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 13:34

Well I’m sure he knows when school holidays take place, so why does it take her to prompt him? I’ve had this argument with my ex. He’s a much a dad as she is a mum, and to be honest I’d expect any dad to want that extra time with the kids.

So yes, he should and he should have made plans for it already, not just relied on the fact she would be sorting all.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 13:36

A long weekend is nothing to do with the price of fish when it comes to covering childcare for the 6 weeks holiday. Whether he takes the time off to do stuff with them or take them away, or puts them in holiday clubs, he needs to do his bit and share the burden. One week out of six is laughable.

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 13:37

And really what we’re talking about is closer to one week out of the 13 weeks a year holiday that kids get!

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:38

He’s not all bad. I just guess where nothing was mentioned last year about having them during the holidays he’s just assumed it would be a similar approach this year. It’s very difficult when she seems to switch between “they’re my kids you’ve lost a right to know anything when you left” to “they’re your kids too of course you can do this and that with them blah blah”. Regardless I think it’s acceptsble for me to want them to have made plans a lot before a weeks notice. Trust me as his partner she sorts nothing which is why I am so shocked she even sorted this. But it shows her sorting as she’s only suggested it a week before the holidays start.

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MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 13:39

“ She definitely doesn’t work no, nor drive, and she has no intention to”

Perhaps she is finding it difficult to find a job that also allows her to provide all wraparound and holiday care for her children? Since their dad does literally none of it and is apparently baffled by the whole concept?

PotteringAlong · 31/07/2018 13:39

He cannot sort childcare for them as unlike his ex he cannot rely on his mother all the time.

Of course he can! He pays for it, like the rest of us! You’ve heard of holiday clubs, right?

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:40

He’s having them for the weekends during the holidays but how can he be expected to have them during the week? He needs to work, she doesn’t. I don’t really see the issue. He wouldn’t have gotten a month off when they were married?

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MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 13:40

This is coming across like you just want to slag her off, rather than get an answer to a specific question

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:43

He pays his child support thanks he is not a total waste. It’s not his fault that the only THREE holidays she’s had this year were without her kids. And the weekend she did take them she took one as that’s all that’s manageable. Why have three then?
We only find that out from the children. She is NOT the kind of person you just hand more cash too. The kids are constantly asking us for new shoes or clothes etc cause their mum has spent too much on an important weekend as has no money left. Who tells their kids that

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Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:44

Yeah maybe you’re right there. She’s intolerable and it’s not like I can talk to anyone about it.

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AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 31/07/2018 13:44

how can he be expected to have them during the week?

He pays for childcare like every other working parent in the country! Obviously. Did you expect him to use his ex for free childcare for the rest of their childhood?

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 13:45

“He wouldn’t have gotten a month off when they were married”

No but he might have taken a week or two off to go on holiday with them, and he would have seen them in the evenings and every weekend due to, idk, living in the same house as them. He would have had childcare sorted other than that, and he still could, it’s just now he has to pay for someone to provide it, it or provide it himself

It’s not complicated really

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 13:45

She asked him if he’s sorted anything, not “can you”. She knows he should be more than capable of asking and thinking for himself. I’d suggest that’s the point she’s making.

And no one is saying hand her more cash. He can arrange childcare for his area and actually have his kids a few hours extra here and there. Not a crazy concept.

Firenight · 31/07/2018 13:47

Of course that week should be spent with the kids. Amazed it’s every a question. As should all his annual leave, same as resident fathers have to do.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 13:49

Let’s play ex wife bingo:

Goes on multiple holidays

Does not work

Does not clothe children adequately

Is apparently capable of parthenogenesis, due to being solely responsible for having more dc than she can cope with

I’m going to go with big telly and drug dealer boyfriend next

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 13:49

I agree holidays should be split as equally as possible. What used to annoy me however was when my dsc was younger and it was mum’s week to have the dsc and she expected to be able to dump them here while she worked, then pick them up when she finishes. So there are unfair parents on both sides.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 31/07/2018 13:50

Bet she always has her nails done too.

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 13:52

Everything else about her is irrelevant. Like my DC, his will soon ask why dad can’t have them during the holidays. And there will be no good reason. Even if that means he saves up all year round to take a week or two unpaid, and doesn’t get an actual holiday, that’s exactly the kind of sacrifice that needs to be made. It’s not all about money.

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:58

Ugh sorry guys I just ranted a bit there I just ughhhh never know anyone to grate on me so much. Of course she should take a week off to be with them. It’s not their fault they got brought into this world by them, and they shouldn’t be made to suffer.
She’s just one of those typical evil ex partners that messages him asking if he misses her yet has a boyfriend a week after they split types, Slags me off to my partner, clearly slags me off to the kids, yes always has her nails done. Calls me a cunt on her doorstep. Tells me I’m not a part of the kids lives. I genuinely feel as though I do as much for them as I can. I even got them little outfits for their holiday so they could dress up for dinner and I always send pictures of their weekends to the mum so she feels included as their dad won’t and she just nitpicks the most stupid things. “Oh if you have your own outfits I’ll just send them with pants and socks then”. Or if we tell her we are doing something with the kids as a surprise she will tell them what it is. Why?
Their dads not perfect I know but having the new partner rubbed in his face all weekend by the eldest “mum says he’s amazing if there’s anything she wants he gets it for her or anything we can’t do he says to let him know and he will sort it”. How’s that fair. He’s the latest in a long line anyways.

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Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 14:00

He sorry! He should take a week off

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BounceAndJump · 31/07/2018 14:08

If they were together he would be there evenings and weekends, and for a minimum of 4 weeks annual leave. Instead you think a few days a month and him not even bothering to ask when he can have them in the holidays seems acceptable?

No wonder their mum doesn't like his new girlfriend being involved it sounds like you're about 18 with no experience of the realities of being a parent.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 14:18

Kids do not care what outfits they have on while eating their evening meal, hth

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