DSS. Mother is lying.wjat on earth do we do

(19 Posts)
Blankscreen Sun 29-Jul-18 00:38:39

DSS his mother and DH met on 1 at July and verbally agreed that DSS would live here and would see his mum every other weekend.

This was what DSS wanted.

He first weekend access didn't go well and she dropped him back 6 hours later left him on the door step without contacting dh or anything to check we were home. He should have stayed with her for 2 weeks. Dh has tried to engage with her 3 or 4 times since saying we need to discuss what happened she has not replied.

Anyway we contacted. CMS and advised them of the change. They have been trying to contact DSS mother and she is rambling on about the court order that is three years old and now irelevant.

She sent dh an email earlier basically saying she hasn't agreed to dss living here and basically saying that the only reason das is here is due to agreed holiday access. Wtf.

We've had DSS since 1 july paid his bus fares lunch money etc etc and now she lying.

How on earth do we deal with such bare faced lies? I don't think iss any coincidence that her denial corresponds with CMS contacting her about stopping the maintenance.

If you ask DSS where he lives he says here.

What can we do? Anyone

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ohreallyohreallyoh Sun 29-Jul-18 01:47:06

You need to make a claim for the child benefit. As you are doing that, make sure all services - school, dentist, GP etc. are registered at your address as this is what they will use to decide where he lives. If there is a court order, you probably need to go to court to get it updated.

Blankscreen Sun 29-Jul-18 07:35:25

Ok yes we've done the child benefit claim and got a letter from the school acknowledging the change of address to here.
Dh emailed the school and cc'd his mum on the email advising them of the change and she didn't object. We have also registered him with our gp.

I guess the issue is how do you deal with someone who tells barefaced lies and what will stop her lying to child benefit?

Poor DSS is being dragged into it as she is messaging him and ringing him up crying etc.

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Bananamanfan Sun 29-Jul-18 07:43:00

Is it an option to let DSS settle in for a bit and let the dust settle before making a backdated claim?

Blankscreen Sun 29-Jul-18 07:49:41

We're not even trying to claim.off her . We ust want to stop having to shell.out £600 month and have the cost of looking after him. We're not actually that bothered about money from her just want to stop the double cost.

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Bananamanfan Sun 29-Jul-18 08:05:41

Oh sorry, I misunderstood. That sounds really tricky. I sympathise, exH paid no maintenance, rarely saw DS and moaned about how I was claiming child benefit and tax credits for him. However, expecting your DH to pay her is another level. How awful for DSS. How old is he & what is going on in his mum's life that has changed?

MeridianB Sun 29-Jul-18 08:11:57

Can you file copies of the notifications to school and gp to CMS then stop paying?

How old is DSS? It must have been really distressing to be dumped like that by his mother. Is she going through something at the moment or does she have form for this sort of thing?


swingofthings Sun 29-Jul-18 08:55:25

How old is the child? One meeting to discuss such a significant decision seems a bit minimal. Could it be that she saw it as a temporary measure?

I think you need to continue as you are and if the child is still living with you when he starts school again in September, the case will be stronger and you can then reclaim the £600, although understand concerns that she will then say that she has spent it.

Blankscreen Sun 29-Jul-18 09:14:07

It hasn't just been one conversation as has been saying for 6 to 8 months and DH has pushed back. Last year das asked his mum if he could see dh more she said that she'd think about to and then refused.

During the meeting with dh and DSS she said she was sick of him and DH is welcome to him he's trouble.

DSS and his mother have a bad relationship he has been seeing a mentor at school about it. DSS get into a lot of trouble at school and DSS has said that he mum makes him so angry he goes to school in a bad mood and gets into trouble.

He's 14 and starts his GCSEs next year. Dh is worried that this utter chaos/madness is going to seriously impact on him doing well at school
What do we do DSS is adamant he doesn't want to live there he's been here for 5 weeks, she won't acknowledge it (now). He doesn't want to stay there at all and dh is trying to engage with her to find a way forward and he thinks it's important that they see each other.

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Blankscreen Sun 29-Jul-18 09:23:13

She is difficult though for example she refused to let dss have his school uniform so we had to go and buy uniform for last 3 weeks of term! Obviously we would have bought it for September but she is just difficult for the sake of it though

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WhiteCat1704 Sun 29-Jul-18 09:25:19

As soon as the adress has been changed and you are registered for child benefit the payments should stop(doesn't matter if you can get any CB, you just need your DPs name against it). We had all this..including a fight over a month of payments when SD was living with us but there was a delay with child benefit registration.

You should put a claim against the ex with the CMS. The good news is it will get back dated to when child benefit was changed so you will get your money back..getting money from the ex might take a long time..but they will get her in the end )

In our case when the residency changed DH took SD for a chat with Social Services. Ex was laying as well..claiming we were forcing SD to stay with us and all sort of nonsense. SD had to tell Social Services where she wanted to be and that was it...I think they might have checked the house once too-not sure now- but the ex was claiming we were abusing her and all sort of nasty stuff..

Readyfortheschoolhols Sun 29-Jul-18 09:32:43

I had this with ds. He was 14. He wrote a letter himself saying he lived with us not df. I sent receipts of clothing /bedding I had bought, letters from school etc. And ring the benefit fraud line and report her.

Blankscreen Sun 29-Jul-18 10:15:06

yes this is the frustration child benefit have said it can take 16 weeks. 4 months is about £2400!!!

We wondered about DSS writing a letter but. It sure if it was appropriate

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Readyfortheschoolhols Sun 29-Jul-18 10:47:55

My ds was happy to, he wanted to feel at home and have his room done etc. He was fuming his df was lying! It only took a couple of weeks in the end to be sorted not 16.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 29-Jul-18 15:17:53

Stop paying her straight away! You need that money to support him, bus fare, uniform, phone, food, you’ve taken on all the costs of having him. You should get maintenance from her and if you keep paying her for nothing you’ll never see it again. It’s for your DSS.

Poor boy. He’s struggling and she’s kicked him out. He’s lucky to have you both. I hope things settle down soon and good to hear his school have been supportive.

Willyoujustbequiet Mon 30-Jul-18 21:11:57

What does the court order say?

Blankscreen Tue 31-Jul-18 13:11:22

There is a court order from 4 years ago which refers to an access arrangement which no longer exists. The court order says nothing shall stop them dh and DSS mother from making further arrangements for the child.

They've made an arrangement and now she is lying

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Blankscreen Sat 04-Aug-18 17:49:52

So just to update. The child benefit has been awarded to us but guess what she has put in a rival claim!

There is nothing to stop putting in continual rival claims. Yawn.

Incredible. Dh has diligently paid maintenance EVERY single month never late never messed around about it. Now she should be paying us she is messing around. Shame on her.

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Aprilshowersinaugust Sat 04-Aug-18 18:11:07

Keep receipts for now on, incase she reapplies. You need to show you financially support the dc.

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