Tricky situation

[MissSunny123]

Hello fellow step parents out there.

I'm in a tricky situation and I need advice and guidance.

My partner and I have been together for a while now and the situation between his daughter and her mum has been tricky from day 1.

They live a few 100 miles away from us so we only see her a few times a year (2-3 times). We would see her more but the contact is one sided as the mum refuses to travel part way etc.

Each time we are realising that her attitude towards us is changing and she's saying things a 4 year old shouldn't be saying. Almost as though they are her mums words.

Our most recent visit we had tell her off a number of times for swearing and miss behaving.

We have also noticed the lack of hygiene and her refusing to brush teeth and even flush the loo and wash hands. We have also had to bin the clothes especially the knickers that she comes in as they are hanging on by a thread. So we always send her home with new clean items.

She is paid a large sum of child maintenance and is able to afford the items. But instead we feel like we are providing her with these as well.

The main thing that stressed me out the most. Is that we found out that one of her younger siblings has a highly contagious infection which can transfer through air/skin contact/clothing contact. We only found out about this after having her for a week and allowing her to swim in public pools with other children, having sleepovers etc. I believe we should have been told about this as she could have this contagious infection without us knowing and we may have passed this onto other (I hope not).

I just want to know what you all think as we are struggling to get passed a lot of these situations.

Help help help.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

If you believe the child is being neglected, your partner will need to file for residence in court.

It is worth speaking with the school/preschool before doing that, however, to see what they think of the situation. If she is genuinely being neglected, it won’t be going unnoticed.

Who moved?

[fontofnoknowledge]

I think - and I say this from a position as a step mum to 5 sc and three of my own - who has had to deal with an incredibly difficult ex wife of my DH for a decade ... so you can be assured I nearly always look at this from the dads perspective... that 2/3 Times a year is appalling. Quite frankly it doesn't matter if he has to travel ALL the way at least once a month . If he is paying a large sum of maintenance then he is assessed as being a high earner. He is this child's father.. why on earth doesn't he WANT to see his daughter more than '2-3 Times a year'. It matters not a jot if she wants to be the biggest knob head on the planet. Two wrongs don't make a right. Nor do two complete idiots intent on squabbling about train fares and petrol money - make decent parents.

Before you (but this is HIM to sort our not you) shout about how crap things are. Stop him being a crap parent. Get in the car/train/aeroplane a MINIMUM of once a month a be a FATHER.

Would YOU settle for seeing your children 2/3 Times a year when the only thing stopping you is that the other parent won't pay the train fare ? . I would bloody walk there if I had to. She's 4 FFS and her parents are behaving like complete twats.

My DH spent a decade in court with a mother who kept flouting court orders. Not once has she ever paid for them to come. Is it fair ? No of course not. Is it worth not seeing your child for ? Really ????

[MissSunny123]

The mum decided to move for a better way of life.

She doesn't go to school as her mum believes that the school system failed her so she won't put her children in school.

I think that the reason for not going to school is to hide the neglect.

He has tried to do something before but it was put down as malicious.

[thethoughtfox]

Can't get passed that she only sees his child 2-3 x a year. She may send the worst of her clothes as they often don't come back. It's not necessarily indicative of all her clothes. She may be neglectful but you haven't shown any evidence of this. If you really suspect this, only seeing her so infrequently is even more unforgivable.

[glenthebattleostrich]

We live 140 miles from our family (as in our parents and inlaws) and visit every 6 weeks 100 miles is less than 1.5 hours in the car. Absolutely no excuse for only seeing the child a couple of times a year.

If you believe the child is being neglected then you need to discuss this with social services and apply to court for residency. But that requires her dad actually stepping up.

[MissSunny123]

FYI her dad is trying to get more visits and begs but the 2-3 times a year is what her mum allows her. Not us. We would see her 2-3 times a month if she would let us.

I thought this forum was to support step parents but instead you have all completely turned and not given the support that's asked.

Shame on you all

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

You said the lack of visits was because the mum refused to meet part way travel? If he’s worried I’d be down there every week.

He needs to see his daughter more and if he has serious worries to contact SS or phone NSPCC.

[lunar1]

He needs to gather as much evidence of the neglect as possible. He needs to find a way for his dd to live with him. I second nspcc and social services. Especially with no school involved.

[freetoagoodhome]

We would see her more but the contact is one* sided as the mum refuses to travel part way etc.
*
That’s what you said. I assume he’s already taking the mum through the courts?

[EggysMom]

100 miles is less than 1.5 hours in the car

At motorway speed. At any other speed, say an optimistic average of 50mph, it's two hours. At a suburban 30mph, it's over three hours. You don't know where the OP and the stepchild live, it could be a far longer journey.

My real Dad only saw me three or four times each year, such regular visits are a modern way of parenting. I don't think it did me any harm.

[swingofthings]

What does your OH think? What does he plan to do about his concerns (if indeed he has the same than yours)?

[freetoagoodhome]

How long have you actually been in their lives?

[RedPandaBear]

I get that contact only 2-3 times a year is less than ideal, but if the OP didn't give a damn about the situation, why would they be posting here???

Can we try and find positive suggestions/solutions to this?

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

If you believe a child is at risk of harm you can keep that child

So assuming he has PRRs he could keep her

Also you can ask the police to carry out a safe and well check on her if you are ever really worried

[laloup1]

You see her 2-3 times per year and you claim to see a pattern in her behaviour??
Yet she’s only 4??
And you expect her to fall in with teeth brushing and hand washing and sensible stuff like that when she hardly knows you?
At that age (the same age as my partner’s daughter) rhythm/routine is everything.
Without more presence in his child’s life your partner cannot expect to influence anything.

[fontofnoknowledge]

This is the phrase that makes all the difference.

They live a few 100 miles away from us so we only see her a few times a year (2-3 times). We would see her more but the contact is one sided as the mum refuses to travel part way etc.

It seems that now this is not the case. Which is it OP, ?
Would your DH travel to see her 2-3 Times a month if he was 'allowed'. With him bearing all the cost.?

If this is the case and he can afford the £215 to Lodge a child arrangements order (you don't need a lawyer you can self represent. It's the norm these days). Why hasn't he done it ?

[GrayDays]

There’s being supportive and then there is being real! My dad lived in another country and when he came back to England he live 200 miles a way and I saw him more than 2-3 times a year. And your blaming the mum for a lot while you sit back and judged but are unhappy that we are ‘ judging you dp lack of parenting’ lol
Get a CO, and tell your dp that actions speak louder than words. I would never ever ever allow my dc to be looked after in a careless way!

[MyAuntyBadger]

Sorry op but I agree with fontofnoknowledge. The fact he sees his 4 yr old daughter so infrequently, despite suspecting neglect, does not make him a good parent.

Could she live with him? If he was granted custody, would it be practically possible? Because unfortunately he can't change how his ex-wife parents her children.