Arghhh what to do?!?

[Minesalargeginplease]

Hello all, not sure if I'm looking for advice or to vent really. Been with my hubby 6 years, he has a son from a previous relationship and we have a child together. I have always been close to SS but recently things have got messy. Myself and my hubby went out after bedtime but let the kids stay up to play with my friend while babysitting, when SS messaged his mum saying he was being treated like rubbish as my pre schooler had a programme she liked on. This resulted in the ex wife sending abusive texts to my hubby which quickly escalated to her abusing me! Silly f@t bi@ch wife. So I lost my cool and went to hers to question what I had done to deserve that as I have always treated SS equally to my child. This resulted in her calling my child ugly and explaining that she could have my hubby if she wanted. This is very strange to me as they were long split when I met him but when I started questioning she upped the attack screaming me down for stopping her son walking in our bedroom in the night which I think is perfectly acceptable as he is 9 and there are things he shouldn't see. She attempted to absolutely ruin me and clearly cause an impact to my relationship but that hasn't worked as I see her as a childish, jealous and petty woman but now I feel awkward with my SS. I don't want to have anything to do with him as he is running to his mum when he doesn't get his own way and his mum even said my daughter should be my hubby/her dad's last priority when her son is there which is insane! I'm going to take my daughter away this weekend to stay out of SS's way but hubby is mad but I don't want to walk in to that situation again as I'm extremely surprised I didn't lose my cool with the women when she called my child ugly! I feel like I should stay away from my house when SS is there and we have joint custody and a pre schooler, what the hell should I do?

[Thedutchwife]

Wowzers

You’re gonna have to get over it a pretty quick otherwise things are going to get worse.

Your ds is not going anywhere and he still is after all a child. (Who is probably shit scared of coming round now)

My mother was horrible to my SM and she took her dislike out on me. Every one was miserable

Tell your dh to sort her out and move on. Quick. or fake it till you make it!

[Faerie87]

Oh I would be furious! The ex sounds like an absolute bitch!

I have a DSD and she often calls the other parent up when she’s been reprimanded by one or the other, I think it is a natural thing for the child to do, for example if her mum has told her off for something she will be on the phone crying to DP and visa versa, if my partner has told her off for something she will phone her mum (it actually happened today when she backed out on doing some chores that she promised to do in return for DP putting money on her phone, she ended up storming out the house and slamming the door waking our two month old up in the process)

What isn’t right is the reaction of your partners ex. We are quite lucky in our situation where my partner and his ex take the view that whatever happens at each other’s house stays there and if she has phoned her up in the past she has never called him up on it and visa versa.

If I was you I would save the texts and messages and I know it’s hard try not to react any more, just think his ex is only acting like this because it sounds like she is jealous. I would take the high ground and ignore her actions.

When it comes to your SS don’t avoid him, he will get the impression something is wrong. Instead shower him with kindness that way he will feel included and if his mum is bad mouthing you, it will be her who is seen to be the liar in that situation and you will be seen to be the bigger person!

Good luck! I know it can be really difficult xx

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Ermmm.... calling her names isn’t going to help. Going round to her house demanding answers is only going to get her back up. Maintaining a dignified silence works far better. She is not wrong asking for her child to be prioritised by his father when he is with you - your child sees her father everyday. Giving a little extra time to the non-resident child is perfectly reasonable and something many non-resident parents do.

You’re an adult, continue to act like one.

[Minesalargeginplease]

Wow, it wasn't me calling names it was her. I did not respond in kind simply query (as a mother and a professional I would not demean myself). I know she is angry at my husband for calling social services when her partner strangled my SS and maybe that is why she attacked me and my daughter. I do not think my child should have to be ignored by her dad when SS is there though, that seems a little twisted.

Thank you to those who gave realistic advice, I wouldn't want him to go anywhere and he made me promise he would have a home at my house if me and his dad ever divorced so I must have done something right x

[Minesalargeginplease]

And just to add it is my husband saying he doesn't want to pick one child over the other, he loves them both equally, if anything I play with/ care for them both more than him as I love kids but it's not a situation I feel I deserved or should have been put in, she was mad at him and attacked me. She is with AP now and maybe the grass isn't greener but again not my fault, they were long split before me due to her affair

[Minesalargeginplease]

Part of me feels that leaving and not having to deal with that vile woman would help.

[Faerie87]

Sometimes it can feel like that. There have been many a time where I have felt the same, what’s got me through is how I feel about my partner and we also have a little girl together and because he is an excellent dad to both his daughters I would not trade him for the world regardless of an ex that can cause trouble. If you feel the same about your other half then it’s worth rising above the crap the ex is dishing out. Ignore her comments, but be there for your SS it sounds like with his mother being as disfunctional as what you have described he needs a positive female role model 🙂

What has your oh said about the comments she has made have you discussed it?

I would ask that from now on any contact regarding your SS be done through your OH this will allow you space from his ex so she can’t be an arsehole towards you (well she can but at least you won’t have to witness it!) block her number if you have to, but distance yourself from her, but not your step son.

We currently have DSD with us for the holidays and my partner treats them equally too! Well as equally as you can with an 11yo and a new born. He has done activities with DSD and at the same time he puts his fair share of work into helping with our DD obviously I can’t spend as much time with DSD as I have a newborn to look after but they are treated equally and I would like to think that we don’t priorities the needs of one to the detriment of the other, and my partner definitely does not show favourites, doing that like his ex suggested is just wrong! X

[Minesalargeginplease]

Thank you and for agree all children should be equal. My hubby is fuming with her, he lost all respect for her when she left for his best friend but when she verbally attacked me it hurt him (which is probably why she did it). He told her about herself and how he felt about me and left it there. He also booked us (all 4) a week in Italy to have a break. He stood up for me, our daughter and his son, all the reasons I married him x

[funinthesun18]

She is not wrong asking for her child to be prioritised by his father when he is with you - your child sees her father everyday.

Hate to break it to you but it doesn’t work like that. I thought all children in blended/step families were equal. Or is that only when it suits?

[funinthesun18]

And plus it’s not his youngest child’s fault that she sees her dad everyday. People need to remember that when it comes to half siblings.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

She called you a fat bitch or you called it her? I apologise if I read that wrong.

I thought all children in blended/step families were equal. Or is that only when it suits?

How can they be? Non-resident parent don’t get to see their other parent as much as perhaps they would like. It is not wrong to expect the parent to spend some time with them when they do see them.

But hey ho, only resident children matter, eh?

[funinthesun18]

But hey ho, only resident children matter, eh?

Never said they did. That’s you with the chip on your shoulder thinking that.

Of course all of the children are equal whether they are together 100% of the time/50% of the time/10% of the time. The “non resident” child has two homes but it doesn’t mean they are less. When all of the children are together they should be treated equally. I simply could not shun one of my children in favour of another.

You basically agreed with this woman that her son should be priority when he is with his dad. No he shouldn’t. The dad can’t just pretend he doesn’t have another child for a few days.
You’re so big on men not forgetting that they have children with their ex (and I agree with you), well it works the other way as well. They can’t forget about their children with their partner either because they are ALL his children.

Can’t have it both ways I’m afraid.

[funinthesun18]

And when I say you can’t have it both ways. What I mean is you can’t expect the non resident child to be seen as equal to their siblings but then expect them to be treated as more important when it suits.

[swingofthings]

You've been together 6 years and this is suddenly happening, so what has really caused it? It must have been a bit more serious than your SS complaining that he couldn't walk in the bedroom or that he couldn't watch TV because your DD was surely?

Her behaviour was totally unacceptable and indeed, you should stay away from all contact from her now as it clearly, understandably, upsets you. However, your OH needs to understand what is steering such anger suddenly and why his DS called his mum to complain about what seems, as you describe it, trivial matters.

[headhurtstoomuch]

How often does your SS visit or stay overnight specially? I find it really odd that your DH would chose to go out on a night when he was there.

You weren't in the house at the time. It was your friend. Perhaps she was overly prioritising your child over SS?

What 9 year old wants to hangout with a pre-school child? Your DH priorities seem to be in the wrong place and whilst her swearing etc was completely inappropriate you DH leaving his son and you going to her house were completely wrong as well.

[Minesalargeginplease]

Oh lots of questions:

It was her name calling not me.
I think social service involvement at his mums house could have been the trigger.
We went out on a rare occasion, the gig just happened to fall on an evening we had SS.
We share custody so have SS about 40% but hubby is trying for more.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Honestly just ignore her. My partner's ex isn't abusive but said similar things about our son when he was born. I've blocked and delayed her on all social media and gone NC until I get an apology ( it won't happen). I'm okay with it and tbh makes life easier, let dp deal with the crazy and ignore it. Treat the children kindly esp as it sound like the step child is potentially having a hard time at home is SS are involved.
Treat them fairly and don't take it out on them, it really isn't their fault.
I also agree with other posters it's mental to treat kids differently, they are all fmaily regardless if residency and should be treated as such

[headhurtstoomuch]

If it was a rare night out then perhaps you DH should have swapped nights with his ex wife. His son is coming to spend time with him not a babysitter. Whilst I understand the need to have your own life it shouldn't be at a detrimental cost to DS who has probably had enough of his dad prioritising others before him.

[Minesalargeginplease]

I wonder what people do in nuclear families if it's not fair for parents to have an evening out once in a blue moon and how siblings of different ages cope together. I'm from a nuclear family, as is my husband and we both had to just deal with our siblings and saw our parents building strong marital relationships by occasionally spending time alone, god forbid.

I'm confused why it seems several people agree that we should not spent time as a couple or have our children together because I've always treated the kids the same and I have a life away from the home on occasions. We bloody took the kids on our honeymoon so we are fair

[Faerie87]

I think some people think that because step children are only there part time then any nights out should be done while they are with the resident parent, therefore, not reducing the time they spend with the NRP.

In theory yeah thats great! But in reality it’s quite hard to do. My partner once booked a holiday for my 30th, when he arranged it he worked out so that it was for a weekend that we did not have DSD, however his ex flipped the weekends a few weeks before and then was pissed at him for going on holiday, while he was supposed to have DSD!

There are always gonna be social events that could come up ie Christmas parties, anniversaries and family events so allowances have to be met and you’re quite right time spent as a couple is needed otherwise you end up with no time for yourselves!

[Minesalargeginplease]

Just to add, we wouldn't have gone during the day, both kids would have been in bed normally but they both like seeing my friend which my SS doesn't get to do as much as my daughter so it was a treat. He gets upset when my friends visit and he is at his mum's. My husband doesn't prioritise anymore more than his children, never has and never will. I imagine he wanted 100% of the attention but you cannot do that when there are other children present. It's unfair to expect a preschooler to deal with being left out by dad when SS is there, that would only cause resentment so prioritising one child over another seems a poor parenting choice. It's not SS fault his mum left nor is it my daughters. They both have a hard time with it and want to be together more but unfortunately he has 2 parents who both want and need to spend time with him.

[funinthesun18]

Also another point is yes one child is resident, but if dad works during the week then they don’t exactly get quality time together do they? By the time he gets home a preschooler might be getting ready to go to bed. The other child arrives every weekend and the whole weekend should be devoted to them? Hardly fair is it.

[Faerie87]

@funinthesun18 - this annoys me too! I’m currently on maternity leave and my partner leaves the house at 7.30am to get to work and comes back at 6.30pm. We have not got our little one into a sleep routine yet as she is still feeding every two hours, but when she is in a routine he will barely see her during the week. Therefore, when people say he should spend 50% of his weekends purely devoted to DSD because our DD gets all his attention during the week it is really annoying. I still maintain that they should get equal attention rather than playing favourites as it is only going to breed resentment and it’s not healthy!

If you had a standard family who had a second child, there are times where attention is split between children and rightly so as you can neglect one over the other. Many 1st children are put out by this but no one says to those parents that they need to priortise one over the other! And if they did the parent would be well within their right to tell that person to jog on!

[funinthesun18]

Faerie87
Exactly this is my point. Your DD doesn’t get all of his attention during the week. Weekends are the only time he is free so he should want to see both of his children.

I have three dc and none of those children really get quality “one on one time” and all three fit in to daily routines including the boring ones. Luckily my partner sees all of them as equal, so when dsc comes they are treated exactly the same as the others.

[Minesalargeginplease]

Bloody fantastic points made and we both work full time. Pick daughter up at 5:30 and she goes to bed at 7, must add that 3 days a week husband takes SS to activities 6-7:30 so only sees her briefly and SS stays up later than her, obviously. He gets a lot of dedicated time, they both do. We, as a family, have 2 children and they are and will be treated equally and I feel the mother is a disgrace to think they shouldn't.