Wrapped around her little finger

[Applecrumble79]

I have been with my partner for two years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship aged 5 and I have a teenage son. He has his daughter most weekends or every fortnight depending on what the mother says.

I am beginning to feel like.l a secret as he never invites me out with him and the daughter and I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I have met her. It’s making me feel like I am not important enough to get to know her. He asked me to move into my place but I turned that one down as how can we do that, I don’t know his children?!
Sometimes it irritates me when he makes plans to extend his contact with his daughter without mentioning it or decides to do school run as though it’s a secret. Whenever the child’s mother wants a favour he does it but when he wants to eg take the child to a family function, or Wants her to eg sleep over at my partners mothers, she says no. He listens to every rule she puts in place then asks for my opinion. I have told him he is too soft with her or when I give advice he doesn’t take it so I have stopped giving advice. Then he accuses me of not being interested.
I just don’t like not being able to get to know his child. I don’t think it’s right. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want the child’s mother to know he’s moved on. He even took the child to an event he knew I wanted to see with my nephew. He didn’t invite us. Then he pisses me off and makes me feel annoyed. How should I confront this?!

[lunar1]

I wouldn't bother, he's an idiot! How can he behave like this on one hand then want to move in together at the same time!

It sounds like he wants everything his way.

[PrettyLovely]

I also wouldnt bother, It sounds like you are wasting your time on him.

[MrsBertBibby]

It doesn't sound as if he wants the same from a relationship as you do, so it isn't going to work long term.

[StepBackNow]

You're wasting your time. Dump him.

[LexieLulu]

How long have you been together? How long ago did he split up with child's mum?

[LexieLulu]

Sorry I read two years! Wow!! That's a long time.

Where you OW or was there a cross over?

[flamingofridays]

lexie why is that relevant??

[Applecrumble79]

No not ow and no crossover!!

[donajimena]

FFS lexie I hate it when someone jumps in with were you the OW. Pathetic.

[NorthernSpirit]

You mention the daughter a lot, but not the son. How much contact does he have? Are you building a relationship with the son?

If he only has limited contact with the kids (EOW) I can understand him putting them first and making them a priority.

Have you ever made a suggestion to do anything as a group? Sometimes men just aren’t very good at organising stuff. Why don’t you take the bull by the horns and organise something for you all?

It ‘irritates you when he extends contact with his daughter and he doesn’t ask you’. Sorry, he doesn’t have to ask you. That sounds quite controlling. He’s a dad who probably misses his kids. You get to see him all the time, why should he have to get ‘permission’ off you?

I’m a DSM. I understand how my OH misses his kids and I do all I can to support him in seeing the kids. You should think of things from his side.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It’s OP who has a son, not the DP.

OP, he’s not that into you or building a life with you. He’s not willing to make a break from his ex, he’s not willing to share his life with his DD with you, he’s not willing to put his relationship with his DD above pandering to his ex, he’s not investing in your family with your son, he’s not trying to make joint decisions with you that affect you.

It’s not going to get better, sorry

[Applecrumble79]

@Northernspirit. Im not wanting him To ask my permission to have his daughter an extra day. What I’m saying is sometimes I’m not expecting him not to be available and that it would be nice if he mentioned it so that I don’t make plans for us like I the past then have to cancel them!
He likes to be involved with my child so why can’t I be involved with his. Yes I will suggest some family outings and see if he makes excuses!

[Foodylicious]

I think you need to not make plans for both of you without asking him. And you both need to just talk more and plan what you want to do together.

There are often lots of threads on here about how important it is to not introduce DC to partners too soon. So two years is a fairly long time now, but if he only sees her eow it's going to take time.

I presume if he did move in with you then his dd would stay at yours eow too?
Would she have her own bedroom at yours etc?

How does he react if you try to make plans for all 3/4 of you?

Does he know that you want yo be more included in DDs life?

[AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale]

You’re both on two different pages. You want to be a blended family but he wants to keep his family and dating separate. Except he has blurred the boundaries by involving you with his problems with his ex.

It doesn’t sound like you will get what you want from this relationship.

[LexieLulu]

@flamingofridays @donajimena

I never jumped to the conclusion I asked the question.

And it would be relevant as maybe the mother was preventing them bonding rather than the father.

I was only making a suggestion, I was not bad speaking of OP asking this

[SandyY2K]

lexie why is that relevant?

It's relevant because the Ex may not want her DD bonding with a woman who contributed to the breakdown of her relationship.

It's relevant because the Ex could make visitation difficult for the dad, So he could be apprehensive about it and treading carefully.

[flamingofridays]

The ex could do all that without her being Ow though?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I’d find someone else or be prepared for a lot of hard work.

If he’s hiding it shows he’s not really strong enough to start a new relationship and will not rock the boat. His Ex and DD will take precedent. Probably for years.

[Wdigin2this]

My advice.....DO NOT LET THIS MAN MOVE IN WITH YOU!!!!
That's it really!