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WWYD if DSD started her period before the chat?

(22 Posts)
PoesyCherish Sun 22-Jul-18 05:55:05

We're (hopefully) years off her starting her period yet but I've been thinking a lot about it. What would you do if your DSD started her periods at your house before her parents/ the school had given her the birds and the bees chat?

Would you let your DP handle it or would you chat to her? How much would you tell her?

I remember being terrified when I started my period. I didn't tell my mum for hours because I was so scared, though I don't know what I was scared of as she gave me a big hug when I told her and let me cuddle up in their bed for a while. I really don't think I'd have wanted to tell my Dad as I was so embarrassed.

OP’s posts: |
Mokepon Sun 22-Jul-18 06:03:28

I'd be pressing DP into getting her mum to explain it to her.
If that isn't an option I'd leave out sanpro where she would see it and see if she asks what it's for.
Do you think it's likely to happen like that? How is your relationship with DSD? Do you have other children? I'm only asking as you could go for blanket coverage and include her in family discussions re puberty etc..

PoesyCherish Sun 22-Jul-18 06:07:24

No DC of my own yet. I meant to say in my OP she's only 6. At what age is it appropriate to explain these things?

In terms of do I think it's likely. I think it's likely she will start before things are explained to her (unless it's after the school teach it) but in terms of if it happens at ours I guess it really does just depend on timing doesn't it. My relationship with her is really good and we talk about lots but I don't feel it's my place to bring up these sorts of topics on my own.

I have a mirena coil at the moment so don't have periods at the moment thank fuck Perhaps I could get some sanpro and leave them out anyway.

OP’s posts: |
PoesyCherish Sun 22-Jul-18 06:10:16

We are thinking of TTC next year. I remember being told growing up that my sister was read a book about where babies come from (age appropriate book of course) when she was 5 and my mum had just had me. Do you think if we do start ttc next year and I get pregnant that it would be reasonable for us to explain where they come from?

She knows she grew in Mummy's tummy but currently she thinks all babies come out via an operation (she was breech so mum had a c-section). She asked how she came out, DP explained it was via an operation where Mummy's tummy was cut open and she just sort of assumed that's how all babies come out and nobody's corrected her yet. She hasn't asked how she got in there yet though.

OP’s posts: |
Mokepon Sun 22-Jul-18 06:19:52

I don't think anytime is too early to start.
I guess I'd just be cautious if it's going to cause big issues but the less of a big deal you make of it the less of a big deal it will be.
I've been open with my own DD but only had the full sex chat when she was 9 as I was pregnant and she asked. I think then it's a great time to open up the discussion regardless of her age. As you say, age appropriate.
DD has known about periods and why we have them since always.
My own experience was more like yours so didn't want the same.for her.
My friend has a DSD and although she was a little older she went down the very matter of fact route, totally open, took her shopping for bits and it really helped their relationship.
I think I disagree it's not your place if no one else is stepping up and you are willing to. You are an important adult in her life too.

PoesyCherish Sun 22-Jul-18 06:27:23

Thank you @Mokepon
Did your friend's DSD start her period and then she took her shopping or did she take her shopping in preparation?

I think as her Dad, DP feels very awkward bringing it up and feels it should be down to her Mum. But if her Mum isn't willing to talk about it I really don't want DSD being scared when it does happen. I know sometimes the age you start your periods can be around the same time your Mum did but I obviously have no idea how old her Mum was nor am I going to ask her that. I know my brothers friend started at 9.

How did you first bring up the topic of periods with your DD?

OP’s posts: |
Mokepon Sun 22-Jul-18 06:37:13

She started whilst with them one weekend and wasn't prepared as she had only had a couple and cycle wasn't yet regular.
The topic arose organically! We are an open household, no lock on the bathroom door, shared baths etc so she saw bleeding/sanpro etc from when she was tiny.
And when she asked questions I told her. It's what happen when you grow up and your body can make a baby. When you are pregnant it doesn't happen as all the blood goes to make a very special sort of pillow for the baby (obvs when she was smaller).
I never bothered with books when she was smaller but there are lots of good ones for younger kids.
I did buy her a book on sex and puberty though to supplement our conversations, from about 9, and so she could read it herself without getting embarrassed.

Wallywobbles Sun 22-Jul-18 06:40:08

I think I explained it all to DDs and DSD (and DSS) was in the room too. DP was there but I was explaining something to my DDs. They were probably 8 or so. Not the first time. Just different levels of explanation as things came up.

DSD had her first period at about 9. Regular at 10/11. DD1 at 12 but she's a year older so it was all around the same time.

We had a book too that they all looked through. And we looked at some stuff on the net.

PrincessHairyMclary Sun 22-Jul-18 06:49:07

My DD is 8 but very tall (although undeveloped as of yet) so it's not out of the realm of possibility that she'll start sooner rather than later, at the beginning of the year I brought her a teens kit, they sell them in Tesco and it's basically a little bag with smaller size San pro in. We keep it in the bathroom cupboard and she knows it's there for her.

I'd imagine that her Dad has nothing prepared for her so just hope it doesn't happen there, when she gets older and starts developing Ill put some bits in her bag. She knows if it starts at school or dance classes to tell a teacher and they can help her if she needs it.

In terms of the birds and bees talk, she's known about periods and reproduction for years. A topic that used to come up when she used to come into the toilet with me (always a fun chat to have in public loos with a 4 yr old lol). I teach it at secondary so I just kept it very factual but age appropriate whenever the topic comes up. "Women make a nice soft cushion for the egg to attach to each month but if she doesn't make a baby then it comes out as blood so that she can make a new one the next month, it doesn't hurt like a cut or graze but sometimes you can get a bit of a belly ache". At school this year (yr 3) they covered naming some of the reproductive parts, puberty and hygiene.

PoesyCherish Sun 22-Jul-18 06:57:58

@PrincessHairyMcNairy I love your explanation. It's also reassuring to know they teach some of it at year 3. At least she'll be aware of it. Did you ever explain how the baby is made in terms of the Dad's role?

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cheaperthebetter Sun 22-Jul-18 07:31:07

Interesting thread ...I have a DD8 (yr4 when they go Bk to school ) and DD9 (yr5 when they go back)....sorry if this is TMI...but my DD9 I have noticed she is having quite a lot of discharge in her knickers lately I would say within the last year or so...I have never ever had the period talk with her, she is very mature for her age and she probably does know but she has never brought the subject up.
Can I ask how you do? I'm quite worried about it to be honestconfused as to me she still quite young, might sound weird but I have actual butterflies in my stomachache even thinking about the subject talkblush
Can any one help?

PoesyCherish Sun 22-Jul-18 07:34:28

@cheaperthebetter I really hope someone comes along soon. I'm interested in how to broach it too

OP’s posts: |
Branleuse Sun 22-Jul-18 07:38:41

Id think i would talk to her. You seem worried about it as if its something big and scary to talk about. Be matter of fact

CircleofWillis Sun 22-Jul-18 07:40:16

I would probably discuss this with your dsd’s mother and your dp. It could cause all sorts of resentment if you took it upon yourself to explain sex, reproduction and periods before they had planned to (she’s only 6) because ‘no-one else is stepping up’. My daughter is 5 but I answer any questions she has as she has them. I’ll make sure I explain periods etc before she is 8 although we have already had a few conversations around her questions about my tampax.
Discuss with do and dsd’s mum what approach they would like to use and if there are any books they are planning on buying as you can then all be on the same page and you won’t be taking anything away from the mother’s experience with bringing up her child
I remember my own mother explaining periods to me and it remains one of my most treasured bonding moments. Lots of giggling, being given my first sanitary towel packs and a discussion about my mother’s own first period and how she was the last in her class to start menstruating.

lunar1 Sun 22-Jul-18 08:24:15

I think you are years of needing to worry about her mum not 'stepping up' she's 6. Is there something that makes you strongly think that she won't talk to her daughter about these things?

Janek Sun 22-Jul-18 08:54:19

When my dd1 was 8 i read thread on here about an 8-year-old who started her periods and was furious with her mum because she hadn't warned her. My dd had no curiousity about any of that kind of thing, so i just brought it up with her walking home one day. But it turned out to be far to complicated to explain like that with no background so we bought a book.

What i did tell her was that if she started away from me she could tell any adult and they would know all about it and would help her (teacher/daddy/nana etc).

Simce then they have started a really hardcore pshe course at her school (so hardcore that when they first introduced they couldn't jump straight in with the year 6 stuff for year 6, they had to follow the year 5 curriculum), dd2 has just covered periods/sanitary products at the end of year 4.

sashh Sun 22-Jul-18 09:18:02

Talk to dsd's mum and do it as a joint 'poject'. Have a 'teen kit' on hand and watch for her putting weight on and the discharge in pants.

I love the nest idea. A book is also useful for her finding out things she might not ask.

Chucklecheeks1 Sun 22-Jul-18 12:29:26

How do you know her mum isnt willing to talk with her? Have you broached this with mum yourself?

As a mum id like that youre taking an interest but would feel you're over stepping the mark if you hadn't discussed it with me first.

Her parent's should be dealing with this together. If dad is parenting properly he should be able to discuss things like this with SD too in a relaxed and organic way as PP have suggested. At 6 i asnwered any questions honestly and in an age appripriate way. This led to more questions at a further date.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Sun 22-Jul-18 14:23:54

I left a book about ‘teens’ which I made sure had all the info, in her bedroom ‘just in case you are interested’ and left sanitary towels in very visible places. I also just popped into the conversation at dinner about a fictional girl who didn’t know what to do when her period started, so she asked her granny who said something mad, when everyone knows it’s best to just do a + b.

I had to do it like this as no way would she confide in me. When I ‘noticed’ I popped in and asked if she needed paracetamol or anything. Told her how long it would last and said I was here if she needed to talk about it at all.

No idea if she spoke to her mum.

rainingcatsanddog Sun 22-Jul-18 15:42:18

Not all schools do period talk in y3 but I'd say that checking with mum was a must before initiating any chat.

My kids (boys and girls) knew early on as they liked to "play" with sanpro. I've read on here that lots of girls get periods in primary school. My dd was 13 but was very petite and no signs of breasts until secondary school. One of her best friends got her period at age 8 and was well developed so it wasn't a surprise.

Do you watch tv together? An advert for sanpro might be a good trigger. "Do you know what that advert for?" "It's for when females get their period" "What's a period? It's..."
This kind of topic is a series of chats rather than one chat. You can get books like Usborne What's happening to me?

Winosaurus Sun 22-Jul-18 16:03:46

I find it a bit odd that people make a big deal out of it. My son is 3 and knows about periods and where babies come from (age appropriate chat) and my DD has known about periods from about 2... don’t all kids ask questions?
I remember with DD it was because we were in a toilet cubicle together and she saw my sanitary towel and asked if I was hurt and I simply said “no darling, all grown up ladies bleed every month. It’s not scary, it doesn’t hurt”.
Then as time went on she would ask questions as she thought of them, like about why you bleed etc. Same with my son... he asked a few weeks ago when were in the supermarket and I picked up some Always Ultra he said “Are those the plasters for your noo-noo mummy?”
My kids have always known but we’re quite an open family and I think that’s the easiest way to be, no embarrassment.

They’re both quite into David Attenborough documentaries so they’ve seen animals mating etc and if they’ve ever asked what’s happening I would tell them honestly “they’re making baby lions” or whatever.

I think explaining it like you’d explain any science based questions makes it less embarrassing too. We have talked about how chickens have eggs and sometimes they come out as just an egg but other times the egg develops into a baby.
Women are they same, except when our eggs don’t become a baby instead of us laying the egg our body crushes it up and it comes out as blood.

TakeMeToKernow Mon 23-Jul-18 11:07:02

DSD is 11 and they've only just covered it in her last year at primary school :/ I think they left it too late really, from some of the ages people are mentioning on this thread. We've all been together for 5 years and she's got a really close, non-embarrassed relationship with both me and her dad. But, I certainly wouldn't be bringing up that topic unless things had actively started - I think her DM would flip if DSD told her I'd initiated "the chat".

Luckily, at 10 her DM bought her a book about changes - which she brought over to our house and wanted to show me and get me to look through. It was quite lovely really.

My advice would be to put it out your mind and let things happen organically as someone has said.

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