Husband’s ex wife constantly causing stress

[MismatchedStripySocks]

She seems to get a twisted pleasure from it too. So they have 2 children and they stay overnight with us fortnightly. We live 2 hours away and do all pick ups and drops offs.

Anyhow, a couple of months ago she said we should start being more reasonable to each other and do one another favours. This started with her stealing one of DH’s weekends to take the kids on holiday! She then kicked off when he wouldn’t have them the following weekend (her normal weekend) as we had booked and paid for ourselves To go away 4 months ago as it’s our child free time.

So, back to the ‘favours’. We are taking his children plus mine abroad on the Wednesday following his normal weekend. DH contacted her and said that as we are being more flexible now, he would collect them on the Tuesday night and have them for 10 days. She has kicked off at this calling him a shit dad etc. Basically, the favours only work in her direction then. Technically the kids COULD come on that weekend but it’s a 200 mile round trip for them (400 for DH) only to be repeated 2 days later and in this weather that’s not pleasant.

To add onto this, she says she is contacting the CMS to get the shared care element removed due to one missed weekend (where SHE took the kids on holiday) and this other weekend where we are proposing having the kids for 10 days instead of 2. Basically just moving the weekend back by a couple of days.

My husband is so stressed and i’m worried about him. Got no one else to talk to about this 😥

[MycatsaPirate]

Firstly, CMS, if they contact you to say shared care element is being removed, just explain that you didn't miss a weekend, the ex took the children on holiday. Do keep a note on a calender of every time you have the children overnight though.

As for the rest of it, I'd look at either going back to rigid times with the holidays added in (but fair notice) or going to Court for an Order to specify times.

It's fine having a flexible agreement but only when it works for everyone, not just one party.

Get your DH to email her with the times you are due to have the dc for say, the next 3 months, and ask her to confirm via email that she agrees. When this agreement expires, do another one. She and you can then both look at social events and try and make arrangements in advance that suit everyone.

[user1487168313]

There can be a tough negotiation with ExW, but don't worry too much at this point. I hope you had some evidence about how she asked for the "favour" first. PS, I think it's only fair, to "share" the pickup/dropoff (and relevant travel costs). If you haven't factored that into the CMS calculation, maybe hint it as a leverage in the negotiation?

[AbiBanbury]

Agree with both the above. You have my sympathies because we have the same thing here. Despite the marriage ending 15 years ago, it's like she's made it her mission to trip up DH and abuse the power base that she has (bad mouthing him to his DS's, saying no to everything he suggests and not including DH in any decisions). We just get told when she's going away and are then expected to work around her. Every time we've tried to retain some fairness, we get 'punished' in other ways. It's her way or the high way. It's taken me a long time to realise that ultimately, there's very little that can be done as she does hold the power. I have recently taken over liaising with her on logistics (only) as I don't miss a thing (DH is quite disorganised which she capitalises on) and I've told DH for years to document everything. So stick to email for communication so you've always got a record should things ever take a legal turn. Also, remind your DH that kids grow up and then they work out what's gone on. It never puts the other parent in a good light if they've behaved badly. Ultimately, (and I've seen this in ex-wives and hubs) if an ex tries to sabotage the other parent, it affects the kids' self esteem. They think its their ex they're damaging, when in fact, its their children. Makes me furious.

[laloup1]

Forget favours. You have a court arrangement that gives your life predictability. In this atmosphere every ‘negotiation’ is stress you can all do without.
If the comms/relationship between your partner and his ex improves then you can all re-evaluate.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

Thankfully the ex wife in our situation is now relatively quiet as she has a new boyfriend who keeps her occupied. Such a relief, before that she held up the divorce and was a whingeing, woe is me lazy fuck! I seriously wouldn’t give her the time of day, she’s literally everything I can’t stand in a woman.

[MismatchedStripySocks]

I encourage DH to text as much as possible for the reasons suggested above but tbh, it doesn’t seem to do much. I just can’t wait til the youngest is secondary school age and can get the train to us to further limit interactions!

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

I wish you every bit of luck. I had hoped when DS reached the magic age of 18 all my problems would be solved, but EW still feels it’s necessary to interfere as they “created a child together” so what’s wrong with that. Unfortunately SD has inherited her mother’s can’t do fuck all attitude and lays around expecting her father to run around after her too!

[SandyY2K]

Not specific to your post..but it amazes me when men get jumped on in the 'relationships' thread when they complain about their wife/GF.....yet these threads show the number of unreasonable, controlling difficult women.

[MeridianB]

OP, who moved away and created the 200 mile gap?