This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
My husband expects me to do everything for his daughter(33 Posts)
My husband and I work from home he earns more than I buy we put equal amount money into the house for bills etc
His daughter is 12 she comes to us 3 days a week had been 7 in the last and mainly 4
He works 7 days a week 52 weeks the year
When she comes here he’s always working I do all her cooking washing care and he seems to expect it.
He doesn’t spend time with her well just a 1/2 hour dog walk so I said if your working you need to have her when your free = never
I don’t know what to say anymore as nothing changes if I say you cook for her he won’t and I’m cooking for all of us so I can’t not cook for him and her
I want her to grow up seeing her dad loves her and will do what parents are meant to.
How do other step parents do this ?
If you both work who does the cooking etc ?
Her mum isn’t working so I said isn’t it best she stays with her Mum and you see her when you CAN make time ? He didn’t reply.
Could you sometimes go out when she's due, so that he has to step up?
It seems mean that he leaves all the housework and childcare to you, and still expects you to pay half the costs. Is he taking advantage of your good nature?
I have tried to do probably everything to make him see he is taking advantage
He said his dad was the same his mum did everything. The big difference is they’re children were there’s his mum didn’t have a step child.
I am looking for a job outside the home maybe that will help him see if I’m not here all the time he has to strip up
he is taking you for a ride. you contribute half of everything even though your household is also supporting his daughter part of the time.
You are providing the only parenting the child gets while at your house.
It is unfair to her and unfair to you. He is very selfish.
Do you have to work from home? Could you take your computer and work somewhere else? I fear all that will happen is that he will ignore his daughter though.
He must have some other good qualities that you put up with this??
I’d around for some meetings when she’s there. I would also renegotiate the finances. This isn’t fair. Do you have any DCs of your own.
OP "I want her to grow up seeing her dad loves her"
He doesn't. He just mindlessly had a child thinking that a woman woukd do the work.
She is 12, does she want to come for half the time? I wonder if her mum negotiated this as a break?
Sounds like your DH does nothing for you, he never cooks etc. What's in this marriage for you?
If you don't have children. Together you should leave him now. It's pretty o buoys why his ex wife left him.
He works 7 days a week 52 weeks the year
What is his job?
His wife didn’t leave him
He’s working as much as he’s paying for our house to be built.
He does love his daughter if your brought up the way he was you are likely to be the same - I know this seen it multiple times.
He knows once the house is built if it doesn’t change that’s it.
I do think her Mum should have her more as she’s just at home and not working.
I have suggested this but got no reply.
I can’t just take my work else where I sell retail items I can’t afford to rent a store room and and office.
He works in finance
Plenty of men, including my DP and my own dad dad not even from a western country-
were raised that way
If they were choosing to carry it on in the 1980s it was a bad sign
In 2018 it is simply a choice they have made. They know women aren't here for childcare. They choose to live this way. But you seem keen to back him up. So not sure why you posted. He knows he has a child, he leaves it to the women in his life to sort. What else is there to be said?
Your DSD is 12. It won’t be long before she’s not interested in having much to do with your DH. His quest to build a house will be a regret when he realises how much he’s missed of her childhood. I would say he needs to adjust his priorities and definitely spend more time with her rather than leaving it all up to you.
"I want her to grow up seeing her dad loves her and will do what parents are meant to."
But he doesn't and won't. He's a shit dad and shit partner, nobody NEEDS to work 7 days a week he CHOOSES to.
"His wife didn’t leave him" according to who?
"He knows once the house is built if it doesn’t change that’s it." No no no! How long is that due to take? Besides his child should ALWAYS be a greater priority.
Why should his ex have her more. The problem is your dh and the lack of responsibility for his child. You need a frank conversation it’s disgusting how he won’t make time for her. Poor kid.
I couldn’t respect, never mind love, such a pathetic excuse for a dad.
So his ex should have her more so your dh can work seven days a week to build a house that will benefit you and him - not his ex.
Does it occur to you that his ex is taking you up on the suggestion that she "has her more" to facilitate his investment in his financial future because she is well aware that given a chance, his daughter will hardly see her father at all. She is as aware as you are how highly he rates his daughter.
Meanwhile his daughter knows exactly where she is in his priorities.
You're basically free childcare for him. She'll remember how he never did anything for her and he'll wonder why she's not close to him as she grows up
In his delusion...he'll spout off saying how ungrateful she is and she's wanted for nothing.
He's a poor excuse for a father.
No one can work 7 days a week 52 weeks a year unless they're prepared to drop dead in the office
People who run their own businesses do, breakfast. Pretty much normal.
I think you're being taken for a ride, unfortunately.
If your husband earns more, then he should be contributing more to the household, imo. It's quite unfair that you're losing a larger percentage of your wage (especially when you appear to do considerably more work around the home (washing, cooking etc)). Your time is valuable and needs to be appreciated.
Secondly, he really needs to prioritise his time better and make changes. I understand that being self employed means that you will work longer hours, but this should not impact on time spent with family. He needs to learn to manage his time better or make sacrifices. If he needs to take someone else on board or work less hours and drop how much he earns to make time for his family, then that's what he needs to do, for the benefit of you and his daughter.
You need to be firm and demand changes now, or you'll end up in an unbreakable cycle later down the line, where you're under appreciated and left to sort everything while he does what he wants. You deserve more- make sure he knows it.
So he is working all hours to build the perfect house for you and him at the cost of spending any time with his DD and you I assume?
He will see it that he is doing all this for you and therefore you are looking after his DD for him. The problem is that his DD is getting nothing of it, her dad doesn't value her presence, clearly neither do you, and her mum seemed to have been happy for her to be with you as much as possible.
Poor kid. I expect you don't need to worry as it won't be long until she decides she doesn't want to come any longer, or if she does, it will be for the benefit she gets from the house, not to see her dad.
I expect your OH will then cry that after all he has sacrifice, his DD is being a brat for not wanting to see him again. Assume the same will apply if you decide you also have enough of a husband who value working for a house more than spending time with his wife.
I wouldn't accept this scenario! You have to tell him quite clearly, that he can't leave ALL the parenting to you, apart from anything else, how must it seem to his daughter? Tell him you're not doing it, and stick to it!
#swingofthings I don’t know why your trying to make me out as the band person I’m the one who stepped up and was there for they’re child - I did all her washing cooking cleaning clothes buying spent time with her took her out etc - when her parents were wrapped up in there own selves so please don’t imply things.
If I wasn’t with her father she wouldn’t see me anyway so this is not my fault her parents choose themselves I’ve yheure daughter.
I think he is doing a good thing the house of course will benefit her but odd people thinks it won’t ? It will be a safe secure home for her unlike her mother council house of which is £92 a weeks ns her mother was taken to court for eviction for £2200 rent arrears
How about the fathers that see they’re child once a week or once a month ? How come they don’t get blasted ?
Her mother doesn’t work if my daughter was staying at her dads and he was working I’d say be with me more and see him when takes time off.
Well I’m sorry to have posted I didn’t really think I needed to be bashed but I’m sure you all who bashed me have perfect lives are perfect parents and have perfect partners ?
I suppose none of you sit in your phones and ignore your kids or go out drinking regularly or work long hours or sit in benefits ?
Please don’t reply I’ve unfollowed this as there soooo many angry people on here
Wtf you sound like a dick. He has zero time for his dd she is as much his responsibility as she is her mothers. Great that you’ve stepped up but it’s not her mother to step in but you’re waste of space of dh. Continue being a mug by all means. FYI ex sees ds twice a week and actually spends that time with him, he doesn’t leave it all to his wife! A child should have a relationship with BOTH parents.