Don’t want to decide!

(14 Posts)
CaliSimple Fri 15-Jun-18 05:32:44

Not sure if I can care for my DSD-7yo all day for the entire summer.
Feel terribly guilty to not facilitate DH spending evenings and weekends with his DD...
The issues; no DCs of my own so feeling very intimidated, DH works full time plus commute so a lot of time to fill-need practical advice, what do we do all day for 6 weeks!?
&furious at DH how this situation came about>
Recently married DH and relocated. Briefly discussed with DSDs mother having her longer than EOW, totally great by me, only assumed he would be taking time of work to facilitate.
HE assumed as I work from home I would just have his DD all day, without even asking me. Plus he agreed to this with Ex without telling me, and didn’t let her contact or meet me so she could check herself if this was all ok. Next bombshell was that he was having her arrive in a few hours !

Had DSD for a week so far, she is v happy but Im still feeling overwhelmed. So invited DSD’s mother over with us (and DH). So grateful for how reasonable and understanding she is. many positives to her trusting me with her DD, however having her or not is now up to me, is it childish of me to not wanting to decide where she spends her summer?

OP’s posts: |
PeonyTruffle Fri 15-Jun-18 05:44:16

I wouldn't be able to do it and my DH wouldn't expect me too.

Working from him with kids is a PITA, can you say that it's not possible to to do your job and watch her?
If he wants her around the whole summer, he really needs to work out a better childcare schedule

user1486915549 Fri 15-Jun-18 05:49:02

No no no.
What a cheek your DH has assuming that just because you work from home you are not really working !

Spanglyprincess1 Fri 15-Jun-18 06:02:31

I had this. Physically went elsewhere aka mom's to work

LoveProsecco Fri 15-Jun-18 06:04:10

I would be so angry at your DH! He is not respecting you or your job by expecting you to work & have DSD there. It's shocking that he didn't discuss and agree this with you.

Is he always so lacking in responsibility towards his DD? I feel so sorry for her. What is the benefit of her staying if her DD does not spend time with her?

Coyoacan Fri 15-Jun-18 06:12:48

That's dreadful, how on earth can you work and look after a child at the same time? He has desrespected you, your work, his child and his ex all in one fell swoop.

MigGril Fri 15-Jun-18 06:14:55

Would it be a good idea for her to spend a few days a week in a local holiday club (or at lest half days). So you can concentrate on getting some work done. This is what all my friends who WFH do during the holidays, otherwise you won't really get much done.


ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Fri 15-Jun-18 06:18:03

Why is your dh still refusing to take time off work?

It's outrageous for him to have assumed but now he knows it doesn't work for you, what possible reason could he have for not booking some time off.

Feeling very sorry for your DSD and her shit Dad, but that's not your issue to deal with purely because you're a woman.

swingofthings Fri 15-Jun-18 06:26:54

Are you in the States? Kids are still at school in the UK. How old is the child? Are you just a glorify babysitter if you are working and she's left on her own devices to keep herself busy, or are you finding yourself not working, or working in the evenings because you need to entertain her?

I'm a bit confused with the looking after DSD but working at home. Surely working at home still demand some form of commitment that is not compatible with looking after a child anyway.

I would have thought that it was fair enough up to a degree if you didn't work and your OH was supporting you financially, in which case, seems fair to help him to avoid him paying childcare costs, but if you are working and self-sufficient, then who does he think he is to expect this from you without even discussing it with you?

If the latter, this situation would bring some serious red flags as to whether I would want to be with this man.

NorthernSpirit Fri 15-Jun-18 14:12:00

Your husband is in the wrong here and has taken advantage.....

He has arranged and agreed with his EW that YOU will care for HIS child all day for 6 weeks? When does the mother see the child?

He just assumed..... he didn’t ask you.... he agreed with his EW without consulting you. He is taking complete advantage of you.

Do not feel guilty. It’s upto him to facilitate contact, not you. He’s using you as a glorified babysitter. I regularly WFH but couldn’t do my job with the SC in the house. He’s agreed the time, he needs to arrange childcare.

HeckyPeck Sat 16-Jun-18 17:31:17

I would absolutely not consider doing this! How are you supposed to work with a 7 year old to look after? My work won't allow anyone to work from home and look after children at the same time, which I think is fair enough.

Incredibley selfish of your husband not to even ask you!

Sessy19 Sat 16-Jun-18 17:46:15

Wow...I cannot believe that your husband has arranged for this without even consulting you! This is literally a nightmare scenario.

But you simply cannot do this. You may be able to eke out a few hours with DSD if that what you want/choose, but you can’t do the whole day! Outrageous!

You are going to have to speak to him. Perhaps ask him what childcare he’s arranged, how much it’s going to cost, and if PIL or ExW going to have some time with her while you’re working...? Good grief, I’m absolutely FLOORED by this!

Apart from the sheer audacity of this, if my OH dared to move this way (he is too fond of his genitalia to even THINK about such s move), his ExW would literally fry him to death if she found out. I think every reasonable human being would actually.

Fizzymama Sat 16-Jun-18 20:11:49

Why isn't her mother doing some of the holiday care? Totally unreasonable of your DH to just expect you to do it. What if you make plans for some of the days? Like having a day off? You may want some time to yourself. He should be spending some of the time with her.

SandyY2K Sat 16-Jun-18 23:41:47

If you don't assert yourself now...this will be the story of your marriage forever. It's looking like you're the live in babysitter.

How acceptable would it be for you to assume he'd look after your child (I know you don't have pne) just becsuse he's working st home.

You're being taken for a fool or for granted. Don't accept it...

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