Is it normal?(18 Posts)
My step daughter is 7. She's a lovely girl, very warm and an all round nice person.
We are finally moving from a flat to a house and have told our three children (one is mine) and they are all super excited. They are pleased to move, want to know all about it etc.
However, SD seems to want more and can't appreciate the moment. She's adamant she's getting a dog, her own room, the biggest room, and her own sitting room. Her dad has said along the lines of we'll see but I'm feeling uneasy about it. I feel she needs to know that isn't happening and to have a talk with her about appreciating what she has got. Am I being over sensitive? This is one example where she acts like this she has grabby behaviour in other ways but it isn't so much it detracts from we lovely personality iyswim? My child isn't like that and is just a little bit older so I have no point of reference.
I don't think she sounds grabby, I think she sounds like a little girl who is building the new house into her ideal home. It is perfectly reasonable to tell her that no, she won't get her own sitting room etc, but it just appears to me that she is seeing it all very positively.
She’s only 7, perfectly normal. If she was 17 then no, but she’s not. Let her enjoy her little dreams.
Thanks for your replies. It's good to sound it out. Think I'll just let it go over my head and ignore. The other two are 6 and 8 and not saying anything apart from they can't wait to have a garden, excited about new home in general. Don't know why it makes me feel uncomfortable SD is wanting all this stuff!
It depends on how many things she says and how she's saying it. Some you can say 'we'll see' and some like her own sitting room you can dampen by just saying 'we're not getting a house big enough for that unfortunately'. If you say it in an upbeat way so your letting her know she isn't getting everything without having say no you can't have it.
It will also depend on her personality, for example with my step son we have learnt you have to say no it isn't happening instead of maybe or I'll look into it. This was because he built it into his head that we were saying yes and then non stop talking about whatever he thought we'd agreed to. It resulted in massive sulking and moaning because we didn't live up to the promise.
Only you know her and whether she will react fine to her plan not being the end result or not.
If I were you I'd say stuff like if everyone had their own sitting room then we'd need 5 sitting rooms and the Queen is the only person you know if that many. Or laugh and say sitting rooms are for families and not just one person.
Have you shown her the pics from the estate agent and mentioned specifics like she can have her own room or will be sharing with your dd? It sounds like she has created a fantasy (from tv? A movie?) You could show her the floor plan too so her fantasy is based more on reality.
Great advice thank you really helpful. Her dad said we'll see to a puppy and she's non stop talked about it to the point her dad (who works away) tried to persuade me! I can see the appeal and nothing against dogs but we're out all day and it wouldn't be fair or practical. However she talks about what's she's going to call it, how she's going to dress it from the moment she wakes up, has told all of her friends and when I say no and explain why she'll say 'but daddy said' and get really upset then come up with (quite reasoned) arguments about how it will be ok! Very sweet in a way, but it worries me a bit.
I think I will do as advised on here about the rest of it. Hadn't thought I might be pissing on her parade. We've done the plans, looked around - she wanted to go first on her own with her dad which was fine as none of the rest of us were bothered and maybe that why she sees it as her house- just over excited
Sounds to me a bit like daddy might be setting up his DD for a bit of disappointment.
However you handle the reality with her, make sure her father is the one doing the disappointing. It would be very tempting for him to lay the blame for crashing her dreams at your feet...but that would make unhealthy dynamics.
I think daddy needs to be managing her expectations more reasonably and explaining that whilst ideally we'd like all these things the reality is that x y or z won't be happening however we can do a b or c with your room etc..
Maybe deflect her interest into planning stuff for her own room. My DD was reluctant to move bedrooms (new room was bigger) as she was very attached to her space. A friend of mine suggested getting her to create a board of ideas on Pinterest to get her more involved which really helped. I'd agree with gently pointing out that there will be only one sitting room for everyone to share, but she'll have her own space in her room.
Thank you - the Pinterest idea is really good and something they could do together. I don't really mind what she does with her room etc but I think thats it - her dad isn't managing expectations and never gives a clear answer and I feel like the party pooper. He now has suggested to me that we turn my study (which I need for work ) into a second sitting room! And I know where that's come from.
Ha ha, gotta love a chancer, but, that would be a no! I think you need to have a word with your partner about nipping these ideas in the bud.
Would there be room in her new bedroom to have on of those bunk beds with a sofa bed underneath? Makes a cool bedroom/lounge and also good for sleepovers.
Yeah deffo love a chancer and don't want to remove that as think in adulthood it's good to have high expectations but he's such a soft touch doesn't see why no should be in the vocabulary!
The other kids aren't like that at all, they just grateful and happy so it would be much worse if they were all demanding and dad couldn't say no.
Does her dad really think it would be fair for her to get the biggest room and her own living room and for your kids to have smaller rooms and not have their own living rooms? I'd be concerned at how fairly he'd treat them all once you're all living together. You don't want your kids to end up feeling like the poor relations.
Hope her dad hasn't promised her the master bedroom without consulting you!
Just realised I misread and he has 2 and you have 1.
Also it would really not be fair to get a puppy when you're all out all day.
I would be sort of directing this to a discussion "when you are 18 and have your own home is that that what you'd like? Oh when you are a grown up you can get a dog in your own home (where it can chew all your stuff)." Direct the fantasy rather than let her build up to crushing disappointment. You could even say that some people's job is to design other people's houses etc etc.
Yeah he has two. The other kids aren't trying to get things all the time they genuinely seem happy with what they have in terms of anything. For eg if we go out for dinner SD always wants to negotiate pudding even before we have decided on the main. It's just the way she is I think. I'm not worried about the fairness thing because the other two aren't like that but don't want the stress of being the sensible one
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