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At My Wits End :(

(4 Posts)
JessicaCharlotte1991 Wed 13-Jun-18 17:00:20

Hello everyone!

I'm new to all of this so please be nice smile

So I have been with my partner for 3 years now - due to get married in December this year. He has a beautiful 7 year old daughter who we have every Wednesday and every second weekend.

I will start by saying that even after everything that is wrote below my step daughter and I have a very strong bond/connection and I love her dearly.

So my issue is my step daughters mother. She is a nightmare. For the purpose of this I will call her M.

So my partner and M broke up mutually when my step daughter was 1 so a long time before I was even introduced to him.

However when we got together M was constantly ringing him asking him for money as her and her new boyfriend were going on holiday. Then it was that she wanted picking up and taking to the hair dressers. My partner was even babysitting her two other children whilst she went out and got drunk. After a few months of this enough was enough so I spoke my mind. My partner fully understood and stopped the unnecessary contact with M. This did not go down well. M starting screaming and shouting about how he should of stuck up for her and got rid of me etc...

Next thing was we spoke to M and arranged to swap weekends for a few months time for my Birthday. She agreed so we booked to go to Paris. The day before we were meant to fly she turned round to my partner and said he had to have his daughter and it was his problem to sort. As such short notice we had to cancel the holiday. She's done this 5 times now...

Then M brought my 7 year old step daughter a fully functioning mobile phone....

The next thing hit me like a ton of bricks. As I said earlier me and my step daughter have a great relationship. I love having her and she loves being with us. She used to ask me to tuck her in at night and told me she loved me all the time. One day last year my step daughter came up to me and asked if she could add my on snap chat. I didn't even know she knew what this app was. However, as I didn't have the app she then asked if she could have me on whatsapp. I didn't see a problem with this but I told her to go and ask her dad just to make sure it was ok.
He was completely fine with it and every now and then my step daughter would send me a message about My Little Pony or what Xmas pressies she wanted etc. On this particular day she sent me a list of what she wanted for Xmas and then followed up the message with "I Love You". I was sat at work at the time and thought "awww bless her" and I replied saying "I love you too little legs".

Next thing I know M has seen the messages and gone mental. Rang my partner and said I am not to speak to her daughter etc. Then continued and called me a paedophile. We then found out what she told me step daughter that she is never allowed to tell me she loves me ever again and show no affection towards me. My step daughter has not said it to me again since this day and it breaks my heart.

The most recent thing M has done is now refusing to give us any clean clothes for my step daughter. As my partner has recently lost his job he hasn't been able to pay child maintenance. Any money he does get goes straight to M though as I'm happy covering the house bills. Well now M refuses to give us any clothes and simply says that "Jess needs to buy them". The problem is I always buy my step daughter clothes but once they go back with her we never see them again.

I am seriously at my wits end with it all and so is my partner. What can we do in this situation as we don't want anything to effect my step daughter. Every singles week something kicks off and its even making us argue as the stress is too much. She's already threatening about not letting my step child be at our wedding.

I'm so fed up, anyone got any ideas?

NorthernSpirit Wed 13-Jun-18 17:17:41

Get a contact order. Mother is out of order and it’s unlikely to stop. She sounds like she’s jealous and not emotionally detached.

Get a formal contact order and take her power away. You know where you stand on contact and if she breaks it, take her back to court. Your OH can represent himself. It costs £215.

Maintenance - go through the CMS.

Mobile phone. 7 years old is too young for a phone. The apps you mention have a minimum age of 13, so mother has lied about the child’s age. Don’t engage with the child.

My OH’s EW is a piece of work. His daughter is almost 13 and has a phone and is always asking to add me to stuff. I move the conversation on. I don’t want the mother stalking me on SM, nor do I want her to have my number.

Mother sounds totally unreasonable. Go legal, it’s the only way.

HipsterAssassin Wed 13-Jun-18 17:37:46

She sounds a nightmare. But I think (I’m sorry) that in these circs you and her dad were a little naive about how the social media gave the ex wife ammunition.. aside from the fact that it’s wholly inappropriate for a 7 yr old to be on snap chat and WhatsApp anyway. You guys need to get a bit smarter.

Your OH needs to go through the proper channels (CMS and Court Order). The power to get things on a more even keel rests with your partner here.

Personally I would not be marrying into such a dysfunctional set up. By marrying him you send a strong message that you are happy for this to be your life. If you’re st your wits end you surely need to pause for thought.

I would definitely postpone the wedding and allow your OH the time and resources to get things to work better for your poor step daughter, and more calmly for everyone involved.

If nothing else the wedding if it goes ahead this year is going to be fraught with stress.

Hopefully your OH can sort this - only THEN would I make a lifelong commitment to him.

Madlife Sun 17-Jun-18 07:08:15

Hi dear, hope you are fine. Congratulations with your wedding smile I don't think you should change your plans regarding your wedding. Is your life and M is always going to be messing around. I think NorthernSpirit has given you good advice, but I think I would try to have a family meeting first, as M seems to have several issues and God knows what she is saying to your SD. I think she feels guilty/jealous that her daughter loves you and she may feel insecure... Give her some little things to decide so she feels you guys count on her and are a team... I think your all should discuss things together like the phone issue...
I hope it helps!

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