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Anyone find it difficult when your dcs are treated differently?

(30 Posts)
easylover Tue 12-Jun-18 19:58:12

I'm lucky in some ways but not in others. Both my parents are dead, my sister doesn't bother with us, I feel bad because my 2 dcs 13 and 15 have no grandparents on either side, my sister doesn't bother with them, but I have got my mil, she's a lovely lady and I get on with her, but were as I realise she's not going to have the same bond as she does with her own grandchildren I just hate how she's so flippant with them and just doesn't seem to care. My dp is a caring guy he's taken them both on though they do see their own dad every other weekend. But it's even obvious with him he treats mine differently, he doesn't want to upset his 2 but he'll say things to mine about the mess they make or this and that. I'm really struggling with this. Anyone else?

Dancingmonkey87 Tue 12-Jun-18 20:01:22

It’s abig ask to expect his parent who have met your dc later on in their lives to play the grandparent role. I didn’t have grandparents growing up and it didn’t do me any harm aslong as you’re there for them that’s what’s matters.

easylover Tue 12-Jun-18 20:07:55

Maybe, but when it's obvious it hurts, I don't expect the bond to be the same, but when it's obvious they are treated differently then it will effect them!!!

ElChan03 Tue 12-Jun-18 21:05:52

Do you have a child with your dp?

Dancingmonkey87 Tue 12-Jun-18 21:12:17

How long you been together op? I been with my dh for 8years ds was 2years old at the time they buy him gifts for Christmas and birthday but he doesn’t get the same amount (although he does have his df side of the family)

easylover Tue 12-Jun-18 22:19:57

No we don't have a child together, and 6 years together. The bond will never be the same I get that, but it's horrible to watch certain things like she will put my dcs down for a certain thing but when her actual grandchildren do the same thing she will stick up for them, yes I know it's probably normal, but that doesn't make it any less painful and wondering if anyone else feels like this.

SandyY2K Tue 12-Jun-18 23:32:33

She really has no business putting your DC down. I'd find a tactful way to bring it to her attention.

It's natural she won't treat them as her own...but putting them down isn't on.

Think about the damage on them and fight their corner...it they'll remember how you let it happen in later life.

swingofthings Wed 13-Jun-18 06:21:19

Does it upset your kids? They might not care half as much as you do. Talk to them and reassure them that they shouldn't let it bother them if it does. How often do you see them?

The reality is that it's hard to bond with children who are older who suddenly come into their lives. It goes both ways, I'm sure your children wouldn't run in the house shouting 'hello grandma, what delicious meal have you cooked today' giving her a big hug.

SandyY2K Wed 13-Jun-18 07:46:24

Sometimes a child won't vocalise or fully understand these put downs at the time. The problems can manifest in later life and come out during therapy.

I know someone who said his dad always told him he would end up being a bin man when he grew up. He never said anything at the time....but he's over 50 and he's not forgotten it. It made him feel he was useless.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Wed 13-Jun-18 07:51:44

Your dc won't forget you are accepting of them being second rate.
Stop being around folks who are damaging your dc.

easylover Wed 13-Jun-18 08:45:40

April ? 'Stop being around folk that are damaging ' what exactly do you expect me to do, I can't not be around my dps mum! Yes I can somehow bring it up, try to explain but don't try and turn it around on me.

I think I need to discuss it with my dcs maybe it's me worrying too much because I feel they just have me, maybe I notice it more, I'm close to my dcs so I think they will open up to me I just didn't want to bring it up in case I was drawing attention to it.

user1499173618 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:50:23

It is very unrealistic to expect your DC’s stepgrandmother to have strong feelings about them.

user1499173618 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:52:23

However, she may actually resent them, in which case it is reasonable to ask her to keep those feelings to herself and to treat them with respect.

easylover Wed 13-Jun-18 09:10:23

No I certainly don't expect her to have 'strong' feelings as I've already said!

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Wed 13-Jun-18 10:23:53

Well you are putting your mil's feelings above your dc's by being in her company and allowing them to be treated second rate.

easylover Wed 13-Jun-18 10:35:51

Really!!! If only it was that easy!!!! That's not very supportive of you is it!!!!! 🙄

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Wed 13-Jun-18 10:39:05

I am nc with my mil for not treating my dc all the same.
So speaking from experience your dc's feelings /long term mh need to come before any relationship with your mil.
Just advice, take it or leave it.

easylover Wed 13-Jun-18 11:05:09

Well you see now you have explained a bit more I get were you're coming from, just saying I'm damaging my children by being around her, is not really helpful. However yes I may have to do something about it, but it's not easy because she does do a lot for us/me and my dp is very close to her, I don't think she realises she does it even, and it's not all the time but if it continues I won't make her as welcome around here no. She does spend the same amount on them Birthdays and Xmas it's not that, it's just her attitude sometimes

ElChan03 Wed 13-Jun-18 13:13:59

I disagree. I think MIL should treat them equally when you have children with your dp. Because unless you're married to him they aren't even her step grandchildren.
She isn't their grandmother and shouldn't be expected to treat them like her blood relatives until any of the above happens.
Do your kids call her their grandmother or does she refer to them as her grandchildren?
I never understand why extended family are expected to treat step children exactly the same as blood relations.

easylover Wed 13-Jun-18 14:02:23

Well this is the thing, I keep saying there is no way she is going to have the same bond with my dcs, I mean I have no problem with her taking her 2 grandchildren out without mine for dinner or to treat them or to have them stay over at her house, for her to text and phone them but not mine, but what I don't like is when her attitude is different towards mine, a bit snappy or condescending sometimes but never to her own. I just don't like it. I don't think I'm expecting too much tbh

ElChan03 Wed 13-Jun-18 14:16:39

Is that in comparison to how she is with you or the other grandchildren.
I think if you dislike her attitude towards your children so much. Don't bring them into contact with her? It's no loss to anyone then? I suspect she probably wouldn't bother with presents any further after that

swingofthings Wed 13-Jun-18 16:55:23

I agree, do they need to be in contact with her? Is it a case of the whole family going to them for dinner every week-end or so, or them coming to you?

Adviceplease360 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:59:16

How old are your kids

Aroundtheworldandback Wed 13-Jun-18 18:34:09

I so understand how you feel op and understand the hurt. I also have 2 kids who are not my dh’s. Mil obviously favours dh’s kids which I couldn’t care less about as mine have their own gp’s, but however ridiculous it sounds I feel consistently hurt that dh loves his own more than mine, as mine DON’T have a dad who cares- which is why I get how you feel.

Your MIL and my dh are both having unrealistic expectations placed on them due to something lacking in the childrens’ lives.
If your children get nothing positive from your in laws (and let’s face it there will probably never be a real bond there), I would limit contact to- well hardly ever. Why do they have to see them at all apart from special occasions?

DuchyDuke Thu 14-Jun-18 10:14:25

If you don’t have kids with your DP and you aren’t married, remind him there’s no reason for you or your kids to see his family at all. If they don’t make all of you feel welcome they are scum and DP should see them alone.

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