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My 15 year old step daughter(6 Posts)
Honesty where to start.. I'm probably going to ramble on as I've just lost it after a good few years! I love my step daughter so much and got so close to her. Took her everywhere as I have two gorgeous sons but treated her like my own daughter. She always said she loved me and was so close to me that it caused her own mum to become jealous and psychopathic! (a heavy drinker and someone who cheated on my other half then regretted it after she had left him for the other guy and it ended) she has always been a bad mum kicking her eldest son out at 16 and letting him live in the park! My other half didn't know this as she blocked contact with him and the children at the time. Her eldest son has since forgiven her but knows she's a bad mum. She's now all of a sudden an amazing mum to her youngest daughter who is 15. Think it's for fear of her moving in with us as it was getting like that. Anyway, she's poisoned the 15 year old mind and now the 15 year old has changed towards us, cut me off basically and I'm broken hearted. More so than my other half! Think it's because he's been so badly hurt by his children and ex wife in the past that he has truly given up. He adores his son and grandchild but has given up with his daughter saying his ex wife has convinced her now that we are horrible and her, the mum and eldest daughter (not my other half's) will stick together and he's lost her anyway. He's told me to now leave it but I've been in tears. I tried asking her what we had done to deserve this and told her we were here for her and loved her. Then I got a nasty message from the ex wife saying leave her alone or she will report me and it's not my other half trying it's me and I'm weird messaging her? It's made me feel so hurt. My other half has tried with his daughter but I believe the bond has gone as she left with her mum at 3 years old and didn't seem him for years as the mum wouldn't let it. He then got her back when she was 11 and I've treated her like my daughter ever since. I've tried and tried and she comes back and then lies, is so rude to us, puts the phone down, puts stuff on Facebook (hate it!) about how perfect her mum is and never puts a picture of her dad up or anything we've done together. She just turns nasty and hurts us so much. Then she contacts us again out of the blue but has stopped saying I love you or putting kisses. It's as though she does want to know us but her mum and big sister have said so much and turned her against us that she's fighting with it in her head. Although she will give the phone to her mum to say I'm annoying her as I've messaged her and then I get a nasty message from the mum? I have no idea if she wants to know us or not. I've tried so hard and am honestly hurting. Her mum is horrible. I know I can't be her mum or replace her but I wanted to be a loving step mum and am not allowed to be. I'm pushed out. Other half always sticks by me but I do feel bad too. I don't know what to do. I told the mum I will block her from everything now of she doesn't want to know us and let her be and to tell her I love her but won't chase anymore. I then blocked her before her mum could reply back as I was too hurt and her mum would say the most vicious things to me. She laughs that I can't fall pregnant as he's had a vasectomy etc. They take the pee all the time over it. She's always saying I will be the only one always that's mother to his children. It got me so upset that I wanted to try for a baby with him and for him to have a reversal just to prove a point! I have two beautiful children but honestly this has all hurt me. I'm always getting pushed away. She never ever gets her dad a fathers day card. She's rude to us both. When she's round she is fine and used to be all over us and now she doesn't even want to come round. I know it's the mum but I also know his daughter will regret not having us in her life. Do I just leave it now and concentrate on the life we have together with the other children? I guess we have to but I feel my other half has been stopped in being a dad because his ex wife has poisoned her mind and there is nothing we can do as she now listens to her mum more than ever as her mum has suddenly become amazing and we seem to be nothing to her now. Sorry to rant but I'm so upset. Do I just move on from it and we forget her?
its a hard age.... maybe it will change...
Ok I’m going to be brutally honest with you because I genuinely am trying to be helpful.
See it from the child’s perspective here...
Her mum does sound like a nightmare but that child will love her mum who has raised her whilst her dad was absent for most of her life. I know your saying mum caused this but your SD will probably not see it that way and ultimately her loyalty will be with her mum as her mum has been the only consistent parent in her life.
To me it sounds like she is pushing and testing boundaries with you two, normally teenagers do this in a variety of ways like coming home later than curfew, doing things they know you will disapprove of etc.
However I think she is pushing to see if her dad will fight for her and prove that he loves her and wants to see her.
For whatever reason the mother stopped him seeing SD for a huge chunk of her life... what did your DP actually do in that time to try and regain contact? How hard did he fight to see her? Because judging by your post saying “he’s given up” then he’s proved exactly what she was afraid of. Look objectively at what you have written. YOU are heartbroken, YOU are trying your best to make contact, YOU are telling her you love her. All of which is lovely but why on earth isn’t her dad doing this? This is why the ex said it’s weird... it is! It’s not weird that you’re contacting but it’s weird that he isn’t and isn’t bothering whilst his partner is making all the effort.
Blocking her was a bad move because you’ve also proved to a confused, hurting child that actually she can push you away. Unblock her and leave that channel open if she wants to be able to contact you.
Your DP really needs to step up though. It’s sounds like he doesn’t care anymore and if he is still having a nice relationship with his son and grandchild then that’s a double blow to SD who will feel so rejected.
Sometimes the people who push away the most of the ones who need to be loved the most. Please get your DP to see this and get him to fight for her. He needs to be ringing her and telling her he loves her.
I expect this poor girl is very confused after years of emotional manipulation. You came into her life and acted like a mother to her, getting satisfaction of being more of her mother to her than her own. She will have know how you felt about her mother.
Then her mother did the same whilst her father seem to have never been much bothered with her.
I do feel for you as clearly you love her dearly and it must hurt, but this kid needs to find herself. She will come back, she will remember soon how much you cared for her but if you want to do that, you need to move away from the 'her mum is horrible, I'm much better', as it's probably the reason why she's currently blocking you out. Don't close your door to her, she will be back.
*are the ones who need to be loved the most
Hi, thanks for your message. I think in my upset last night I basically told you all about me and her but her dad has been in tears over it and has fought so hard for her for years. He calls her every single day and she doesn't answer because she is with her mum or just doesn't want to speak to him. His eldest son sees him trying and also asks why. She lives with her mum and I think mum is just desperately trying to lie and turn her away from her dad. She's succeeded. It's true he's had enough just this week because he's constantly heartbroken from being pushed away. I will unblock her though but everyone around me is telling me not to because they see the pain we go through everyday and see how she is. She will never see us again I know it she's turned just like her mum and sister. It's so sad but he's tried and tried. Everyone around us has seen it make us ill and so feel we should now give up xx