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DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

(187 Posts)
CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight Tue 05-Jun-18 12:49:43

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

LivingMyBestLife Tue 05-Jun-18 12:54:29

Did she know the possible date before you booked your wedding? Who booked first, in other words - was the holiday already booked?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Tue 05-Jun-18 12:54:33

Hand on heart would she have let her come if they hadn't been booked up?
When I married my now exh his ex wouldn't let his ds's come even if they had been escorted their by royalty.
His dd on the other hand (different dm) arrived looking like a mini bride to be. .

Gazelda Tue 05-Jun-18 13:00:13

Did she know the date of your wedding?

NotAnotherJaffaCake Tue 05-Jun-18 13:02:45

There was a huge thread on here recently where a woman was very reluctant to let her DDs go to her exH's wedding as the split was quite recent and the kids were basically going to be confused accessories to some woman's Perfect Day (TM). So there may be a perfectly valid reason why she doesn't want her DC to attend your wedding.

LivingMyBestLife Tue 05-Jun-18 13:07:32

You seem to have two threads running on this and won't say on either if you told them the date first hmm

LIZS Tue 05-Jun-18 13:16:30

What are you expecting ex to do , cancel the holiday or go leaving dsd with you all week? Did she know the date in advance of booking the holiday? Is it normally your dp's time with her? How old is dsd?

NorthernSpirit Tue 05-Jun-18 13:19:28

Who booked first - you (the wedding) or her (the holiday).

If it was you and she knew the dates that’s a very vindictive thing to do on her part.

How old is the child?

Do you have a formal contact order?

You can apply to the courts for a ‘specific issues order’ it’s £215 and your OH can represent himself. The judge can decide whether a child going to a parents wedding is more important than a holiday to Butlins. There is no question for me the child should go to the wedding.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 05-Jun-18 13:23:30

Did you let the ex know the date you had booked and that you wanted DSD there?

I think that’s important.

If she knew in advance and DSD wants to attend then think her dad should speak to his ex-wife about it.

If you both didn’t tell ex-wife the dates booked and it’s her normal time with her DD then that’s on you both.

LivingMyBestLife Tue 05-Jun-18 13:28:25

From the other thread, the DSD is only 6.

I am assuming that they didn't tell the ex when they booked the wedding. Or it might be that the DSD doesn't want to go - what have you said to the DSD about the wedding, OP? not sure the OP is coming back though

CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight Tue 05-Jun-18 13:43:42

Apologies I'm in work! I'm not deliberately avoiding answering.

DP told his ex the date in advance before she booked the holiday but it was supposed to be on DP's time away.

I guess we wrongly assumed she would stick to the arrangements and that DP would be seeing DSD on a date previously agreed. She was supposed to be with us for the whole week so yes I would expect his ex to leave DSD with us all week.

DP doesn't want to rearrange as he feels his ex will just find another reason for DSD not to come.

NorthernSpirit Tue 05-Jun-18 13:53:04

Then she is being totally out of order.

It’s dads time and she knew the date. But she’s stopping dads time.

Tell her if she doesn’t agree to the contact time as previously agreed (do you have it in writing). You will be taking her to court.

How selfish to stop a 6 year old child going to their dads wedding.

My OH’s EW is vindictive - he purposely haven’t told her or the children the date of our wedding as she is likely to pull the same selfish stunt. I wounder how she plans to explain to the child later on - I stopped you going to your own dads wedding?

Nip her control in the he bud. Take her to court.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 05-Jun-18 14:00:29

If it’s your STBDH’s contact time and she knows he absolutely should telllher he’ll take it to court if she doesn’t facilitate contact.

Does DSD want to come to the wedding?

swingofthings Tue 05-Jun-18 14:07:37

If she booked the holiday the one week they had agreed the DD would be with her dad and knew could be a date he was planning to marry you it was very clearly intentional. So how will rebooking help? She'll come up with something else.

Could there have been a misunderstanding with the dates?

swingofthings Tue 05-Jun-18 14:10:47

Sorry just read that he doesn't want to rearrange for that reason. The only way would be to pretend you went ahead with it on the date, reschedule for a weekend she is due to come and ask everyone to keep it secret.

HipsterAssassin Tue 05-Jun-18 16:52:39

Is there a massive backstory here, e.g. you’ve been together for 8 months and he left his ex for you 6 months ago?

Context is everything...

CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight Tue 05-Jun-18 17:08:59

Gosh no Hipster

He's been separated 5 and a half years, divorced for 5 years. We've been together 3 years although have known each other just over 5 years - we met shortly after he'd submitted the divorce papers with his solicitor.

I'm not sure how court would help as I know from friends experiences there's not a whole life they can do, they can't forcibly remove DSD from her care when DP is supposed to be seeing her.

NorthernSpirit Tue 05-Jun-18 18:00:53

What court can do is dictate that the mother has to make the child available for the fathers contact time (the date of the wedding). If the mother refuses to make the child available she could face a fine, community service or imprisionment.

My OH’s EW was forever pulling this shit. Court order is the only way, takes away their power and when they don’t stick to it she’ll have to explain herself to the judge. Judges do not like it when their orders are broken.

The mother agreed the fathers contact time. You booked you wedding. The mother is now refusing. Get a specific issues order.

NorthernSpirit Tue 05-Jun-18 18:02:33

In my OH’s case the judge got so frustrated with the mother stopping contact and not putting the children’s best interests first that he threatened a change of residency. Judges and courts can help you. The mother is being totally unreasonable.

Mamatribe Tue 05-Jun-18 19:03:50

My sd mum did this to us also ... only last minute after we had spent £100 on sd outfit and flowers and £50 for her food! Sd was excited about the day giving lots of ideas and contributing then all of a sudden we weren’t allowed to mention it to sd as she didn’t want to be there as apparently according to sd she should only be seeing her Mum marry her dad (despite them being separated 6 years previous to our wedding day when sd was 3) and when my DH said as her dad he wants her there at the wedding we were told by the mother that she would phone the police if we came to the house. Guests at the wedding were asking where she was and we told them the truth - they all said they think her mother is just being pathetic and it’s the child that’s missing out. We have our wedding pix up around our home and they include my DH older children from another relationship and i believe sd feels left out as she has mentioned on several occasions to her older siblings that she’s not in any of them. Sad situation all round.

CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight Tue 05-Jun-18 21:19:58

If the mother refuses to make the child available she could face a fine, community service or imprisionment

Yes but in reality it's generally "oops sorry judge I won't do it again" and then judge says "right okay don't do it again" and that's it really. They don't typically imprison mothers or even give them community service. They can't forcibly take the child from their primary caregiver.

Not to mention the fact we only have 2 months to achieve anything sad

bf1000 Tue 05-Jun-18 22:04:02

I would apply to court. Regardless of outcome. It proves you have done everything in your power to ensure his daughter can attend wedding. I start ball rolling on this asap.
But first I would get your partner to send mum a message imploring her to allow daughter to attend. Asking mum to alter holiday dates( check with butlins if a. This can be done and b. The cost of the change. Offer to pay this cost. Do this via email do you have evidence that you have been reasonable. Keep it child focused. Ie. Daughter can have many holiday memories over the upcoming years but fathers wedding is a one off. I booked this date as this was when daughter was due to be with me. How may she feel in years to come if she isn't part of this wedding? Etc

mummyyessy Tue 05-Jun-18 22:10:52

Personally I feel very sorry for your DP's ex. It must be heartbreaking for her.

I think it's ridiculous how new relationships just expect exes to 'get on with things'. The break up of a relationship takes years to get over in many cases, and to watch your ex marry again must be awful. Then add to that your own DC attending the wedding. Awful.

I advise empathy.

And yes I know your DP has rights blah blah but he's the lucky one who's managed to be happy again. Maybe his ex is not so lucky. Think of her.

CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight Tue 05-Jun-18 22:32:35

Are you kidding @mummyyessy ? You feel sorry for the woman who purposely stops her daughter from attending her own fathers wedding? They've been divorced for longer than their whole relationship lasted. From meeting to marrying to having a baby to divorcing was 3 years and they've been divorced 5 years. So what, DP is never allowed to find happiness again or if he does he should care more about how the woman who put him through hell feels over how his DD will feel?

mummyyessy Tue 05-Jun-18 22:37:04

I am saying, OP, have some fucking empathy and respect for the mother of his child/ren.

I doubt as she pushed out his baby she envisaged him running off and marrying another woman. What a fucking fairytale. Not.

I'm sure you've been spun a different yarn about how awful she was blah blah.

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