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Pregnant EP doesn't know yet...

(58 Posts)
1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 22:24:03

When I met Dp he had recently broke up with his long term partner with two children. His youngest was only a year old and this was hard for me understand however dp and mutual friends assured me the relationship was over a long time ago. His ex found out we had been out a few times and publicly posted on Facebook that we had been having a long term affair I was mortified! I contacted her to assure her we had only just met she knows this is true but she has continued to tell friends this lie. We stuck it out and have now been together for two and a half years. Since then she has only referred to me as whore or skank and made It very hard for dp to have contact with his children he is allowed limited supervised access. she is punishing him for moving on and is still very bitter. I am not allowed to meet them and she often refuses access unless money is sent. She sends long abusive messages and I feel terrible that she is so angry and sad but am not allowed to help with his children neither is dp.

Problem is I'm pregnant and terrified of her reaction I'm Already four months and she doesn't know. Dp is scared she'll stop access altogether... how to tackle?

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Notthatwomanagain Fri 01-Jun-18 22:29:35

Why hasn’t he arranged formal access via the courts? He needs to do this then cut contact with his ex other than at pick up.
He should also be paying proper agreed ficiancial contributions.

1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 22:33:24

He's reluctant to go through the courts as he doesn't want to cause her more upset I've tried to talk him into it but he's scared of taking it to that level. He pays an amount each week and extra if she needs he's happy to pay...

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Notthatwomanagain Fri 01-Jun-18 22:36:25

What a nonsense reply
He can’t be at the mercy of not upsetting her to ensure access to his children
If he wants to make sure he sees them he should formalise it for everyone’s sake

Notthatwomanagain Fri 01-Jun-18 22:36:45

And check he is actually paying a proper amount

1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 22:45:12

Right well cheers for that

He pays way more than any legal agreement would expect him too.

It's not nonsense he's a good person who has not ever dealt with law or anything like that and is scared and trying to

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1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 22:46:20

Keep it out of the courts.

It's not as black and white as go to court for all

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takeittakeit Fri 01-Jun-18 22:53:33

There was a 1 yr old baby -the relationship had not been over that long - I think that is where your problem lies. so all intents and purposes you will seem like the OW.

If it was a long time - then the baby was what 2 months old? Sorry how many men leave a relationship with a new born baby and an older child?

YOur DP needs to grow some balls - tell the truth (am sure there is a little more behind him leaving) and sort out a proper arrangement for his DCs.

Anon197 Fri 01-Jun-18 23:24:10

I feel your pain!

We were in a similar situation, although they’d been split up a long time before he met me. Stick it out, let him be there for his child and just bide your time. She can’t be butter forever and if she is the child will she her true colours one day.

I just focused on my DH and our children. You can’t force her to be a better person but you can be so reasonable that she looks like a bell end for being mean to you

1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 23:28:40

Thank you anon! I don’t want to make things worse... it’s a tricky situation for everyone.

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1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 23:32:39

He didn’t leave. It was a break up which she instigated before the birth for many complex reasons. I know the whole story and him, funnily enough.

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Anon197 Fri 01-Jun-18 23:33:42

Also make sure that her being a pain doesn’t stop you enjoying being pregnant and building a family together! 🤰💕

1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 23:42:41

Trying my best! Thanks for your kind words.

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Bananasinpyjamas11 Fri 01-Jun-18 23:49:16

How is going to court going to make things worse?

It will sort out a fair, reasonable arrangement. It will help calm things down. Family courts are not big scary criminal courts, they have a lot of understanding and are there to help.

You can’t do anything about her feelings. Although it is a very intense situation, even if you weren’t the OW it was very quick and that is painful. It doesn’t excuse bad behaviour but it sounds very emotional.

With babies involved it’s important it’s all as calm as possible. Maybe even speak to citizens advice, they will have some info that might help, parent groups, look at websites for advice, just keep a steady path yourself.

1987rebecca Fri 01-Jun-18 23:54:07

Thanks for the advice, I will look into these channels.

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Bananasinpyjamas11 Fri 01-Jun-18 23:59:10

And make sure you take care of yourself! You are priority and it’s up to your DP to minimise contact with his Ex and shield you from any animosity. Especially being pregnant, you need to grow your own future now.

lunar1 Sat 02-Jun-18 00:03:12

Doesn't he miss his children? Because there is no way I wouldn't go through every avenue possible to see my children properly. Upsetting someone wouldn't even be a blip on the radar.

1987rebecca Sat 02-Jun-18 00:04:37

Gosh things don’t always go the way you’d imagine do they ... will certainly tread carefully and pass on advice to dp to deal with while I get on with eating donuts in bed - there are some perks!

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1987rebecca Sat 02-Jun-18 00:06:16

Of course he does but he does see them and is worried about upsetting them/her further or having all context stopped. He needs to man up though for sure and stop thinking it’ll get better organically

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SandyY2K Sat 02-Jun-18 00:53:09

If he doesn't stand up for himself, he will continue to be at her mercy. Unless he likes being there, he needs to do something about it.

If he pays child support regularly, she shouldn't refuse access because she wants more money.

The children are young...he has many years of this...so the right thing for him and the kids is to sort regular visitation via the court.

If his children grow up say he never bothered with them...Will he tell them he didn't want to cause upset, do he never fought for regular visitation?

Do you realise how that will sound to them. You see these angry children years later on shows like JK...and the father is full of excuses.

Too scared to make your pregnancy known. He needs a backbone... much as you don't want to hear that.

RepealRepealRepeal Sat 02-Jun-18 01:12:59

My DP's ex stops contact for the silliest of reasons with alarming regularity. The difference is we have a court order, so can and have gone back to court for an enforcement order. I understand why he feels it's best not to rock the boat, but honestly, it just doesn't work like that. It doesn't keep things progressing, or civil, all it does is show the ex that she can do or say whatever she wants.

Honestly, it's stressful even with a court order, but DP knows that when she's being massively unreasonable, he has a path to take, rather than just hoping it all blows over.

We're also TTC, and we discussed how his ex would react if we do conceive. Again, if she was to react badly, he'll be going back to court for an enforcement order.

DP's ex also had a problem with me meeting their DC, and tells them that they don't have to listen to me, talk to me or do what I say. Every time they're here, we have to point out that I'm an adult, it's my house and that our house has rules. It's irritating, but they quickly forget her rules, and just fit in ifyswim. The court knows that she does this, and she has been told by cafcass that she needs to stop. If she continues with this, and her other behaviour, they've said that they'll be recommending a switch in who has residency.

But the only reason why we have these options, and back up is because DP went to court to have his access set in stone.

You're two and a half years down the line. She's unlikely to turn around and suddenly start being reasonable. He needs to go to court.

As for your pregnancy, first of all congratulations. As I said, we're TTC, so we decided that if we get pregnant, his ex would get a short text at the six month mark simply saying that we're expecting, due date X month, and will be preparing the DC for new arrival. After we had told the DC ourselves.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 02-Jun-18 01:18:15

He needs to go to Court. Court won't block access just because he wants to formalise the arrangements. He can still keep paying her extra but it will mean she's less,able to blackmail him for cash with access

HollyGoLoudly Sat 02-Jun-18 07:40:08

I know the first thing people will say is 'just take him to Court' but it's not as simple as that. The costs involved (if you don't qualify for legal aid) can be astronomical, the process can take up to a year or longer and as OP rightly pointed out it will almost certainly cause the relationship with the ex to deteriorate even further. And if the (hostile sounding) ex doesn't stick to it? Back on the same merry-go-round of lawyer appts, court dates and huge bills. All advice about sorting contact states that court should only be an absolute last resort.

You would be required to go to mediation before the courts would look at the case anyway, have you looked into that at all?

Make sure your looking after yourself, you don't know for certain what will happen with the ex but you do know that in 5 months time you are going to have your own lovely baby to care for - that is the only situation you can control right now.

HollyGoLoudly Sat 02-Jun-18 07:50:33

Not to say that court isn't the best option in some cases but just that I understand OPs reluctance to go down that route.

swingofthings Sat 02-Jun-18 08:35:29

You being pregnant has nothing to do with the issue he is facing with access with his DD.

He clearly feels guilty, doesn't want to upset her, and that's because in most likelihood, he lied to you about them being 'over' as it happens so many times. Of course that's what he told you, of course that's what he told his friend, but the reality is that she probably didn't think it was over at all.

Still 2 1/2 years a long time and she should move on, but most likely there are other issues that you are not aware of. Keep out of it and focus on your baby. You are not responsible for insuring that your OH has access to his kids, he needs to deal with it whichever way means that contact isn't stopped.

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