Fight for it or run for the hills?

[TexasHeart]

Hello all. I'm new here. I joined because I often find myself confused and overwhelmed by the jumble of thoughts and emotions that flow through my mind on the topic of step-parenting my BF's children. I guess it makes sense to start by telling you a little bit about us.

I'm 50 years old and childless by choice. This doesn't mean I don't like children. It just means being a mother isn't right for me for a long list of reasons that I won't bore you with. I'm an emotionally stable person (at least I like to think so), college educated, have a successful career, believe in a higher spiritual power that I regularly turn to for answers and will one day answer to for all my good and bad choices. I try very hard to be a good person.

My BF is 52 years old and is a good person also. He's stable, responsible, outgoing, and does wonderful acts of service for me that I appreciate. He has a 20 year old daughter and a 16 year old son and overall he's a good father.

Sounds great, right? Mmmmm, not so much.

The ex-wife is an alcoholic and a toxic influence on the kid's lives. As a result, they are both angry young people who often fight with each other and can be extremely disrespectful to my BF. In the year I've been around, I've noticed its getting more volatile. The 20 year old is still quite needy and dependent, but demands to be recognized as an adult. The 16 year old is definitely an at-risk youth for addiction and failing school and we sometimes fear he'll run away. He's quite rebellious at times.

As for my relationship with my BF, not surprisingly it's strained. He loves them fiercely as any good father should and had to fight hard to get primary custody of them. He's accustomed to their angry outbursts where I'm extremely uncomfortable with it.

I accept that my BF is a package deal, I want a good relationship with his kids and I accept I'll have to put in most of the work for now to build one. I just don't think I should have to work at getting used to that kind of behavior. If I step in and express my intolerance, I lose the fragile trust I've been able to build because then I become the bad guy. If I don't do anything, it'll just keep happening and I'll become more resentful. My BF tries to control it, but how do you discipline a 20 year old? When the "kids" - one is legally an adult mind you - aren't fighting or when you're around only one of them, they can be quite enjoyable. Still, they both have anger issues and need help, but BF wants to stick his head in the sand.

This is a very brief summation of what the past year has been like. I could go into a lot of detail, but don't feel its necessary. I don't feel that it's going to get any better anytime soon with the kids and I find the thought of being around it any further unbearable. My BF and I are in counseling already over his kids and other communication challenges and I've clearly verbalized all my fears and frustrations about everything.

So, it sounds like I know what I need to do (run). Only I don't. I love my BF and do honestly see the positive potential in both his kids even though I haven't given examples here. I feel it's all a complicated mess and I sometimes want to just quit and find an easier relationship - if such a thing exists.

Help.

[northside]

Do you feel that the counciling could be beneficial?

[TexasHeart]

We've been to two counseling sessions but it's too soon to tell if it will help. He doesn't really believe in counseling and I appreciate his willingness to go anyway. Despite his many good qualities, he isn't a very empathetic person. He feels I'm using the counseling sessions to tell him everything he's doing wrong instead of listening to what I'm sharing from my heart about what it's like to be in a relationship with his trio. It's frustrating because I tell him all the time what a good father he is and how much I appreciate his acts of service. He's really struggling to hear my reality of them.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Run.

It’s already getting harder and it won’t get easier. He’s understandably defensive of his children but their behaviour is down to him and his parenting as much as it is influenced by their mother and he’s choosing to deny the worst aspects of their behaviour which, given their ages, must have been troubling for many years. If he’s burying his head in the sand and doesn’t want to acknowledge what you see going on then there’s no way anything will improve. Because they’re all fine with the status quo and you won’t have any influence. In a way, why should you. He’s doing his thing and unwilling to change. They’re an adult and a teen and you might find it difficult but they’re in a pattern now and it’s well established. As you care for them you’re concerned but you’re not in a position to do anything about any of it and if it’s this hard a year in you need to walk/run for the hills, leave them to it and meet someone with a less complicated life. No parent likes hearing someone criticise their children and staying will drive you crazy and make him put up more of a wall defending himself and his kids whether or not he’s right to.

You’ve got decades ahead of you. The children might up sticks and move out/away in time but they’ll never be out of his life, or yours as long as you’re in the picture, and you’ll continue to find his approach aggravating and frustrating.

[northside]

If he feels that you're only using counciling for your gain, then I would be really keen to show him that that's not the case.

I think that it's great that you're in counciling and I imagine that it'll help you out, as a couple. Have the kids ever thought about seeking out some help? Maybe your boyfriend needs a bit of a push to see that they do?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

While it’s good you’re both willing to give it a go, having to turn to counselling within a year of being together is a sign that things aren’t going well. Yes existing children make things more complicated but the first year is meant to hearts and flowers, not struggle and strife and stress and drama!

[Babdoc]

I don’t think you need counselling, OP. I think BF and his kids need family therapy. There’s obviously been a complex back story with the mother’s alcoholism and the strained relationships around that. The kids may be carrying all sorts of angry baggage to do with their mother’s failure as a parent and their father’s denial and head in sand approach to their emotional outbursts.
At their age, they will soon be leading separate lives and you will only have to deal with them in small doses for visits or family gatherings.
If you love your bf, it may be worth hanging on to see if things improve when the kids leave, and try to encourage them towards therapy.

[TexasHeart]

Northside, all the evidence a father would need to determine that his children are in trouble and need help has been in front of him for years. I've mentioned counseling to him for them many, many times. He told me a few days ago that his son called his daughter a 'f'ing @unt' recently. (Can't bring myself to spell it out.) This is in addition to the son calling the daughter a 'psycho bitch' in front of me this weekend. The daughter isn't blameless. She does her share of name-calling. It's overwhelming.

AnneLovesGilbert, I agree that it's natural for him to defend his kids and that its hard to hear them be criticized. I'm not a parent, but I can empathize and think I'd be the same way. I also agree that it's sad we're already in counseling after only a year. I feel like I'm becoming one of those people that everybody knows that keeps falling in love with the wrong guy. sigh.

[TexasHeart]

Babdoc, I've told BF many times that he can't compensate for the damage the ex-wife has done. He has done the best that he knows how to do and he deserves props for fighting for them when so many fathers walk away. I do believe that when the kids are older, more mature, have hopefully recognized and dealt with their anger issues, and have families of their own that they will finally understand how awful their behavior is at times today. In the meantime, I'm a woman who just wants to get married, settle down, and establish a home with a peaceful environment. It'll be years before he can offer that and I'm struggling to find the patience and understanding to wait.

I think it's important to point out that I too am an adult child of two alcoholic parents so I understand the inner-conflict going on with his kids. I've gotten tons of counseling and have worked hard to overcome my childhood, which is contributing to my reluctance to re-live the past through his life. At the same time, I have a lot of insight that he could benefit from if he'd just listen.

Sigh. It's hard. There's no easy answer.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Hi - sounds like you have a lot on your plate, well done for taking it on.

Do you all live together in the same house? If so, why is the 20-year old not independent yet? Does she work/study? Sounds as though they are all co-dependant on each other, but keep the bad habits going. Would definitely recommend family therapy for them and their father, but would also suggest that you do not attend and leave them to it. You have only been in their lives for a year.

Ultimately, as much as you want to help, it is for their father to help them through this (and he could probably do with some counselling himself).

Set in your head a fixed date (6 months?) and if nothing improves by then I think you need to run... good luck, you sound like a nice person.

[TexasHeart]

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy, thanks for your positive words.

No, I don't live with them. In fact, I live over an hour away from them. I definitely wouldn't live with or marry my BF until both kids are out of the house and on their own.

Daughter is a full-time college student home for the summer, but her college is less than an hour away so she comes home a lot.

It would be great if they went to family therapy and I agree its time for me to butt out. I've offered my opinion and recommended solutions based on my own personal experience with alcoholic parents and former anger issues. Ultimately, its up to them. If they can't see their dynamic through someone else's eyes then there's not a lot of reason for me to have any hope that anything will change. Three months is probably a good number.

[HipsterAssassin]

You sound like a brilliant, empathic, insightful person, OP. You have overcome so much and have so much to offer.

Except here you are re-traumatising yourself and back in a dysfunctional setting with a familiar slant to it. Something you worked so hard to free yourself from.

I would say from the way you post that you actually do sound strong enough to do it.

But.... your BF is not on the same page as you. And the biggest red flag here is that the 20-yr old is still dependent and dysfunctional. For this reason I would surmise that things will not change any time soon (or ever) with this family.

Can you disconnect from it all and just date him? I am hearing that you want marriage and to settle down.

You’ve put so much in already to no avail. I’m sorry but I think it’s time to move on.

It’s actually his loss but he’ll never know it I don’t think.

[TexasHeart]

HipsterAssassin, love your user name. :-) Thanks for your kind words.

I've already decided to back off with his kids. They are all going boating this weekend and I'll be conspicuously absent since it's Memorial Day weekend in the US (three-day weekend). From now on, it's one kid at a time or no kids until I feel that things are changing for the better.I feel guilty because all it does is avoid the issues, but at the end of the day they're his kids. As several posters have already said, their dynamic is ingrained at this point and if I try to assert my influence, I'll only get attitude. "Who the hell does she think she is? We were doing fine before she came along!" Stuff like that.

I'm not interested in re-living the past by marrying into it so if things don't change after three months then I'll know what to do. :-(

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

So hard!

Me and DP are breaking up, partly due to his extreme defensiveness around his DSDs. There’s natural pride in your kids, that’s copable with. But then there’s a real stuck in the mud, blind to dysfunctional and alarming behaviour view. My DP has this, and it’s a nightmare.

These issues take over our lives too, your step kids being very dysfunctional now will mean they might take some dark turns. And if you stay you will be pulled along with them. And get all the anger if you so much hint at the problems! It’s no way to have a relationship.

I had my DPs kids from younger ages, but I still wasn’t allowed any say and two of them have very immature outlooks. One 21 years old, dropped out of Uni, works a few hours a week, but all I hear is how brilliantly she’s doing. I keep out but that only means we have no joined up life together. DP and his Ex are joined in their dysfunctional parenting. We are better off out of it.

[Grasslands]

ummmm. the behavior you describe of both the 20 year old and 16 is not that unusual even in intact families.
a good friend once told me that nothing good happens before 25...so you will have a few more years of stress.
now i come from a place of having raised 3 children who are now in their 30's.
and even in families not affected by divorce it's rare that both parents agree on how to support the young adults as they mature.
personally if your relationship with your partner is good on all fronts other than the young adults i'd stay.
as for counselling...i'm not sure the hard line black and white approach is really helpful in dealing with teen angst. it's a combination of your head heart and wallet i'm afraid :(

[HipsterAssassin]

‘nothing good happens before 25’

probably a good benchmark.

Me and my siblings all left home at 18 and got ourselves sorted with jobs and living with friends...

Maybe that’s unusual?

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

I think if you stay around you are probably signing up for a lifetime of this. It may wane a little over time, but it’s unlikely to ever resolve completely.

[HipsterAssassin]

If they’re going to sort the issues out it will need to come from them. So, backing off is not ‘avoiding the issues’. It’s facilitating them.

Keep the counselling going and see if it helps. If not, reassess by the end of the year.

Don’t let this angst drag on for you in 2019.

[TexasHeart]

Thanks to everyone for your insights. It was timely because it appears as though my relationship with BF just ended. The reasons are a destructive combination of variables combined with plain bad timing.

I'm marriage-minded and don't want to invest time in a dead-end relationship. Talking about the future stresses him out.

His daughter is showing an interest in law school, which means he'll be supporting her for 5 more years. I can't live in their environment and can't put my life on hold while she figures things out.

I believe that all problems have a solution if you're willing to look for them, but its impossible if you won't talk about it. So, if I could sum it all up, there are just too many things working against us - anger issues, poor communication, extended dependency, mismatched life goals, etc. It's all very sad and I'm going to take the time to process and heal, but at the same time I'm excited about what the future will bring.

Thank you all!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’m sorry to hear that OP. Break ups are crap whatever the contributing factors. I hope you’re okay

I think in time it may seem that this is for the best for you. You don’t need all that drama and stress! Put it and your ex behind you and I hope you find everything you’re looking for.

[HipsterAssassin]

I’m sorry to hear your relationship is ending. Breakups are crap

But good for you for knowing what you want and not throwing yourself under a bus for this man.

I salute you. Look after yourself.

[Wdigin2this]

It won't get easier, so back out now before you invest any more time in the relationship!

[Wdigin2this]

Sorry Texas I posted before reading that you're breaking up. It'll be hard, but better now than another couple of years down the line.
I wish you the best of luck in your future!