Struggling to be a stepmum

(63 Posts)
Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 18:57:19

Sorry this is going to make me sound like a selfish b** but I really need help and advice so here goes- I met my partner at work. He has two children from a previous marriage. I don’t have any children however I really want to. He had a vasectomy while with his ex wife. Before we started a relationship, i was hesitant. I didn’t want to be a stepmum and I really wanted a baby of my own. He really wanted me to give step parenting a go and said he would get a vasectomy reversal and I agreed to give the relationship a go as i was head over heels and really wanted to be with him. Fast forward nearly two years. He has had a vasectomy reversal as discussed, that was 8 months ago. He had a recent SA which showed low motility. It has improved since the first SA at 3 months post op however still low enough to be classed as not fertile. This devastates both of us. Every time my period comes i have a day or so of being really down and depressed. Then i pick myself back up and move on to the next month. I think I just keep hoping for a miracle each month. As for my stepchildren, they are lovely, as all children are they are a pain in the bum at times but on the whole they are lovely people. I get on well with them although I do miss child free weekends. I want to be having romantic time with my partner but they are always there on days off, apart from the odd few pre planned days. I suppose I resent the fact that they are depriving us of having any spontaneous time. I know all that will go away if we have a baby of our own but we have never experienced that time to ourselves just the two of us. As much as they are lovely people they do my head in at times, stupid behaviour etc and i take them to their clubs when I’d much rather be doing something fun on our weekend. I do care for them and this sounds terrible but I suppose I resent them and my partner because if he hadn’t had them, he wouldn’t have had a vasectomy. I told my partner i wouldn’t leave him if we could never have a child but I would have my times when i was down about it and although i would never outwardly show it to his children, I probably would resent them and resent him. He says I’m being completely selfish which is probably true. But I’m desperate for a baby with him so how can he expect me to be happy and watch him do the things with his children that I’ll never get to do or see him do with our own? I don’t want to resent them but I don’t know how i could live a childfree life without them and be content with that. He is contemplating leaving me for feeling this way and says I’m being selfish and another word which I won’t repeat! I would really appreciate any advice.

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Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 19:00:32

That should say ‘i dont know how i could live a childfree life with them and be content with that’

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lovelyfeetatleast Thu 24-May-18 19:08:31

Can't you learn to love them ? You may never have had your own anyway, you do sound a bit immature tbh, sorry if that's harsh but what you describe is called being a grown up

MyRelationshipIsWeird Thu 24-May-18 19:12:51

It’s not selfish - you’ve been upfront and honest about what you want from your life and he needs to understand that staying with him means making a huge sacrifice.

All parents get defensive of their DCs so he was never going to take it well, but calling you nasty names and threatening to leave you is unacceptable.

You both need to be able to talk about these things calmly and rationally, because those feelings won’t go away.

I know some people take to being a SM like a duck to water, but many many more struggle with it, whether or not they have their own DCs as well. It can be a thankless task, with all the shitwork of being a mum without the unconditional love and status being a mum offers.

Personally I’d run - I’ve read enough of the step boards to see that it isn’t for me. I have my own DCs but we don’t live with my DP because even the small amount of contact I have with his DCs causes me and mine a lot of stress. It totally changes the dynamics and makes my DP into a different person when he has his dcs.

I did actually split with him for a short while and since getting back together things have improved slightly, in that he has stayed with me on a weekend night - something which rarely happened before. I see less of him now but it’s more flexible when I do.

At the very least you should step back from parenting duties - running them around to clubs etc isn’t your job and might make you less resentful. If you can’t have fun with your DP on a weekend then have fun on your own or with friends and family, you don’t have to be his kids’ taxi service.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 Thu 24-May-18 19:21:58

I think your husband is being really selfish here. Step parenting can be pleasant at best and soul destroying at worse! but never a replacement for having your own children .
I really can't see a happy ending here unless you two manage to conceive. There will always be some resentment on your part. That doesn't make you a bad person just normal. You will feel you have had to give up your chance of being a mum and for what ! Cos you are not getting the lifestyle of a childless couple either.

Liberation1 Thu 24-May-18 19:31:40

It sounds like you are getting the worst of both worlds; you don't have dc with your dp but you still don't get those spontaneous/relaxing days just the two you (like most couples without their own dc have) and you aren't getting the chance to start your own family.

Your dp is being extremely selfish. He knew you wanted a baby from the start, trying to conceive is not happening (which to be fair isn't his fault per se) yet you are just supposed to be "happy" to take on the role of step mum.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I would seriously be considering the future of this relationship if a baby is what I really wanted. Otherwise it will just be resentment all the way sad

Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 19:32:53

Thankyou both for your replies. I do love them. I just sometimes can’t stand all the shitwork of being a mum with the thought of never being a mum. I love my OH and want to be with him. He does have a bit of a bad temper at times- only vocally though never physically. I do understand that he doesn’t like the fact I would probably resent them if we never had our own baby. But he also can’t talk about this calmly and rationally. He says he thought i could live with it not happening for us and that resentment is a conscious choice and that I’m just being an arsehole 😞 my brain is fried I really don’t know what to do. My gut says leave but my heart wants to be with him. Tbh he does deserve someone who’d be content with not having any more kids because it must be draining being with me. I’m probably puting too much pressure on him. I hate to feel this way but I genuinely can’t help it. If he naturally couldn’t have kids and never had any i could be content but we can’t escape from kids because i have to see him being a dad to another womans kids and he had a vasectomy which might prevent me being a mum. I think this is getting too messy. I just don’t think I’m cut out for this. Selfish as that sounds.

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fuzzywuzzy Thu 24-May-18 19:34:29

I don’t think you are being selfish. You told him from the start you want your own children and he’s asked you to compromise.

Doesn’t matter how much you love his children, wanting your own children can turn into an all consuming obsession (can you tell I’ve had issues TTC).

I think he’s selfish to try and force you into playing an unwilling role as the step mother to his children.

Be honest can you see yourself happy never having your own children?

If not I’d think seriously about whether there is a future in this relationship for you.

Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 19:35:11

Thanks, I’m 29. We get some evenings after work to ourselves but never full days. Never a night out unless we pre plan it as we always have them on weekends.

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KateGrey Thu 24-May-18 19:35:34

Honestly? Things don’t sound great. The fact is you may never be able to have a child with him. You knew he came with children and it’s part of his deal. I’m not saying step-parenting is easy but it sounds like you resent his child and that’s never going to end well. I think you either need to really be onboard being a step parents and accept you may never have a child or move on. Sorry.

Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 19:37:42

I genuinely can’t see me being happy with him if we don’t have our own. Its the future as well- his kids are still at school but in the future when they have their own kids. I’ll feel like a spare part. I already feel like a spare part. My partners mum even has a picture of us with a picture of his ex in the one frame- because ‘she’s the mother of his kids!’

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halfmoonbay Thu 24-May-18 19:39:48

Just run away as fast as you can & never look back! You'll live to regret it otherwise, move on & find your own happiness.

Ordinarymamma Thu 24-May-18 19:40:27

You are not selfish. I'm a step mum too and have just posted a thread about mu adult step children. It doesn't get easier when they grow up I'm afraid. Can I suggest something? Why do you have them every weekend? That's not fair on you. You 2,as a couple, need time to yourself and your relationship. How about alternating the days they stay with you? I'm all for the kids needs to see their dad but it doesn't have to be only at weekends. In fact, I'm all for shared custody, where the children stay with both parents a week at a time. No maintenance. That way, both sets of parents gets free time. I appreciate this doesn't work for everyone but I do think you should consider the arrangement you currently have. Best of luck x

Liberation1 Thu 24-May-18 19:43:54

Is he older than you by any chance?

You are definitely not being selfish. Having your own baby is what you want in life and why should you give that want up? He doesn't understand because he has his kids. Maybe if neither of you had kids he might understand more.

If your gut instinct is telling you that you won't be happy unless you can have your own child then gut instincts are usually right and you are still young enough to not have to settle.

mummmy2017 Thu 24-May-18 19:53:51

This is for your whole life.......
If you go now you have time to find a childless partner and start your own family.....
Is this worth losing the man you love?

swingofthings Thu 24-May-18 19:58:54

Wonder about your age too. You've only been together 2 years, already planning babies a year or so after getting together and you're desperate and frustrated. All this doesn't sound very healthy.

Your issue is that you are hanging to wanting it all, which is fine, but for many, life is just full of compromises which we learn to live with because what we are prepared to give up is worth what we are getting.

What you need to decide soon is whether the life your OH can offer, including him in the centre of it is worth what you'd lose, ie. potentially having a child. Is being a mum at whatever cost more important? If so, you should leave for your own sake, but also for your partner so that he can be free to be loved by someone who will do so no matter what.

gardeningnewbie Thu 24-May-18 19:59:00

You can still try IVF.

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 24-May-18 20:00:13

My sister is in this exact situation eg the vasevtomy and step kids. So her and partner are doing private ivf and on list to adopt in case this fails.
Have you discussed these options if you want own child as a couple? It isn't for everyone I know but there are options.

Quartz2208 Thu 24-May-18 20:07:00

I think for me the fact that he called you a selfish (I can fill in the blank) and you do all the running around for clubs tells me at 29 you need to follow your gut. He is angry and loses your tempter and leaves you to do the shitwork of parenting

He is happy with the way things are - you arent and he calls you selfish

I would leave to be honest

HappyLollipop Thu 24-May-18 20:09:37

I don't think your selfish at all but you need to decide how much longer you can do this for it's been only been 2 years can you envision doing this for another 10? If you have such a desire to be a mother how far are you willing to go and if he's infertile would be be prepared to use a sperm donor instead? If that's not something he's willing to do you might have to let this relationship go because it's rather unfair if he expects you to be a mother to his kids without giving you the chance to be mother to your own.

Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 20:17:06

Thanks so much everyone for replying I really appreciate it. Yea, he’s 6 years older than me. I did tell him i would stay with him and we would he happy most of the time but i will at times feel bitter and resentful if it doesn’t happen. He shouted at me again calling me a sefish arsehole and that i should be puting the kids first and he says I’ve ruined his life 😢 I want him to be happy as well. Ive always been clear with what i want from life. Why can’t he accept that I can’t give him exactly what he wants

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Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 20:18:55

He also does running to clubs but they often have different clubs at the same time. We have them every weekend and every Wednesday night for a sleepover. Unfortunate due to starting work early on the other days it’s not possible to have them overnight on other days

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fuzzywuzzy Thu 24-May-18 20:20:58

Seriously? LTB

He should be consoling you and offering to try and resolve this by trying a vesectomy reversal/ivf/ anything else.

He’s an abusive arsehole who wants you to play skivvy to his children.
What’s he screaming and swearing for? You’ve not done anything.

Sod that!

Run, and I hope you find someone lovely and have the family you so crave.

JennieLee Thu 24-May-18 20:25:40

I think he's not the right person for you to have children with.

Emmeline2 Thu 24-May-18 20:26:59

I would use a sperm donor but he wouldn’t want that. When I mentioned it previously he said all that shows is that I want a baby whereas it should be about having a baby with him. I reminded him it would be his baby and we would raise the baby together but he didn’t quite see it that way. Again I just want to thank you all for your replies. This is my first day on mumsnet and I didnt expect any replies but i am so thankful for you all taking the time to share your thoughts x

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