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(44 Posts)
Miramar321 Thu 24-May-18 17:13:57

It’s very difficult for me to write this but I have no where else to turn for advice or a different point of view on this situation.
I’ll try and begin where I feel is best but firstly I would like to point out I’m early 20’s and my husband is 50, I mention this because it may get confusing if you didn’t know.
Ok, so let just say for arguement sake my husband has only ever had 3 serious relationships, including his marriage with me. As these are the only relevant relationships.
When my husband was in his late 20’s/ early 30’s he was with, who I’d say was his first love, let’s call her A. I believe A was late teens and was desperate to have a baby! They were together for a few years and they tried so hard to have a baby but it never happened, she then started having awful pains and large cycsts in her ovaries where growing. They were removed and she had the all clear, but still no joy in falling pregnant. At this point they assumed her cysts was why she wasn’t falling pregnant. Over a year later, she still wasn’t pregnant. A then started buying baby clothes, my husband and A decided to go their separate ways as it was tearing them both apart (I found this sad) however, not long after they split - A had been dating a different man straight after and announced her pregnancy within 2/3 months. (I feel this is important as you may look at this differently to me.)
Anyway, my husband then went on to marry his first wife, lets call her B. After 3.5 years of trying they welcomed their son (my step son). Now I need to mention this, because this has a lot of people guessing - B was known in the area for being very flirtatious and had cheated previously, bareing in mind everyone knew my husband and A couldn’t get pregnant, then of course she did get pregnant pretty much straight after her split with my husband, a lot of people assumed my husband was the problem (except my husband himself). B had always told my husband she can remember exactly when their son was conceived, what they were doing, where they were... meanwhile my husband can’t remember, even when she told him this soon after they announced their pregnancy he said he still couldn’t remember, but she told him he must of been too drunk.
I didn’t think anything of this until my husband told me that he didn’t
Want anymore children with B because everything changed after having their son for the worst. He then went on to tell me that it was strange because even though he didn’t want anymore children neither him or B used any precautions! Many years later, and after they’re 15(ish) years of marriage they divorce (because she cheated, again) - still only having one child. Now, I think my step son was either an absolute MIRACLE CHILD or.... I don’t want to say it.

Now onto myself. Me and my husband have been married for 3.5 years we’ve have been actively trying for a child since day 1. Nothing.
I’ve been checked, everything is fine with me.
I have tracked my periods, my fertile window, my temperate, my CM, when we have sex, how often we have sex, we’ve taken up more excercise, we’ve drastically changed our diet over a year ago. We are super duper healthy. And I’m sitting here putting all of this together.... thinking this isn’t happening? Am I going over the top?
I’ve mentioned to my husband in conversation, not nastily of course, but just in conversation. I said- I just don’t think you son is actually yours, and he didn’t reply, in which I left it at that. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but B has done a lot of illegal things against my husband and he’s let her get away with it because she’s the mother of his child. I also need to mention my husband is very comfortable... and my husband has always said B is driven by money.

I don’t know what to think.... is he a miricle child? Did she do the dirty on her husband at the time? What do I do? My husband is still paying for him and always has done (his 16 nearly 17 now) although every year she gets lump sums of money from my husband, for their son also.

All I’m thinking is, did she know what she was doing?

I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate someone’s input on this! Even if it’s just one person! I would be so grateful!
Thank you!

HirplesWithHaggis Thu 24-May-18 17:17:33

You list everything you've done to check your fertility. What has your DH done to check his?

CurlyWurlyTwirly Thu 24-May-18 17:17:38

It sounds to me like your husband could have fertility issues.
The money thing aside, perhaps it’s time he got himself checked out.

PurpleDaisies Thu 24-May-18 17:18:28

Your husband has raised the boy as if he were his son since birth. Does it really matter if he isn’t? Do you think your husband should stop paying if so?!

Stick your nose out. This isn’t your problem.

Thewhale2903 Thu 24-May-18 17:19:40

I think your husband might know that this child isn't his.
It is possible that he is but doesn't seem likely with everything you have said.
Maybe he thought (or new) that this was the only way he would be a father.
Has he ever been tested?

PurpleDaisies Thu 24-May-18 17:20:25

Even if he is infertile now, it doesn’t mean he was 16 years ago.

TammySwansonTwo Thu 24-May-18 17:20:51

It’s impossible to know. Even if he had fertility tests now, he’s older than he was then, so things may have changed. His first partner clearly had gynae issues as do I, and fertility can improve dramatically with treatment and who knows what she had and when.

I think you need to focus on your situation- as you’ve been trying so long have you both had fertility investigations?

As for his son, if he’s concerned about this he can choose to have a dna test or not, and that’s really up to him.

LostInLeics Thu 24-May-18 17:22:17

The only way of knowing for absolute sure would be for your husband to do a paternity test. But after 17 years of raising him and loving him, even if it came back negative, the boy is surely still his son.

swingofthings Thu 24-May-18 17:34:39

Miramar, you are clearly wondering whether this child is indeed your DH or whether she had an affair and pretended he was your DH.

Of course, that's a possibility, but it is also possible that your DH is very subfertile without being totally infertile and that indeed, that child is as close to a 'miracle' that a birth with very low sperm count/quality can medically be called a miracle.

Does this child not look like your DH at all?

fontofnoknowledge Thu 24-May-18 17:44:31

I think you may be on the right track but without a DNA test there is no way of proving anything. Your husband sounds unbelievably selfish though. Infertility is utterly soul destroying and a truly loving husband would of had a sperm test with his first partner , and definitely with you rather than make you jump through these god-awful hoops.

If you go to a GP to make the initial enquiries about why you aren't falling pregnant a sperm test is the very FIRST test they will do. I would suggest that his reluctance to do this (I am guessing he has refused or makes excuses) will tell you that he kinda knows already and doesn't want the result because it will confirm what he must already suspect.

A negative (infertile) result will mean he has to open the can of worms that confirms the child he regards as his son isn't 'his'. He probably doesn't want to face that.

Quartz2208 Thu 24-May-18 17:46:29

I think you need to separate it out

Whatever happens he is his son (they were married so legally he is his) and he has raised him - dont try and interfere with that.

Then your concerns about his fertility - get him checked outside of the above because unless his is completely infertile he could be as swingofthings said be the father

Branleuse Thu 24-May-18 17:51:48

Maybe he had a vasectomy?

squeaver Thu 24-May-18 17:53:48

Why hasn't he been tested? Because he's the 'father' of this child? It seems odd, given his age, that no-one has suggested testing him.

negomi90 Thu 24-May-18 17:54:41

Whatever B did or did not do.
Your husband has raised his son for 16 years. He has a moral duty to that boy whether its biologically his or not.
If a DNA test were important to him he would had done it.

Regarding your fertility he should get a sperm test as part of investigations of infertility. Even if it comes back showing he's infertile, there's no way of knowing what it was 17/18 years ago. Infertility in him now has no bearing on his fertility then.

The only way of knowing about your DSS is a DNA test and at this point all it would do is either waist money or if its negative cause sever emotional trauma to your DH and his DSS.
Your DH had the chance to question paternity, he didn't. Don't force it now, leave it alone.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Thu 24-May-18 17:58:13

Does it matter?! Your DH obviously thinks and cares enough that he's the father to have helped raised and pay for the kid up until now. Has he questioned it? If he's happy then really that's all there is.
His fertility then is irrelevant to his fertility now. Why isn't he having that tested if you've been so thoroughly tested and you are both obviously desperately trying for a baby with no success?

bonnyshide Thu 24-May-18 17:58:42

I agree with everything's my @negomi90 said.

squeaver Thu 24-May-18 18:01:32

Branleuse - I wondered that too.

sexnotgender Thu 24-May-18 18:33:35

In terms of his son it’s NOTHING to do with you.
The man has raised the boy as his son and I’m sure probably has his own suspicions however any action at all needs to be his and his alone.

In terms of your situation I would suggest fertility tests for you both.

AmazingPostVoices Thu 24-May-18 18:41:23

He accepted and raised this child as his. Whether he is biologically his is surely a moot point after all these years?

Even if he couldn’t conceive with his first wife and hasn’t conceived with you doesn’t mean he didn’t conceive with his second wife.

Unexplained infertility is pretty isn’t unusual, neither is secondary infertility.

I’m sure it’s not the case but one could suggest that you were also motivated by money given that stopping his support for his son appears to be your motivating factor.

You presumably knew he had a son to support when you married him?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 24-May-18 18:49:54

I can't see any good coming from your probing into the situation. Just a lot of people hurt and your step son possibly devastated. Leave well alone.

In regards to your own problems conceiving- your husband can get a sperm count to check he has viable sperm. The results of this do not indicate his fertility in his younger years but it will help you make a decision on how to proceed with starting your own family.

I would leave questioning the paternity of your step son. Your husband has accepted the situation as it is.

steppemum Thu 24-May-18 18:57:29

For your husband, right now he has a son. That he has raised.
maybe the lad isn't biologically his. Maybe he even deep down knows that. But without this boy, he will never have a son.

If I were him? I think I'd want to leave well alone, and go on loving my boy.

As to you and him, well, you will need to make a choice. Accept that with him you won't have kids, or walk away.
I think if I were you I would think very carefully, after all, you are still young compared to him, and who knows how you will feel in 10 years with no kids.

If he does agree to be tested, you could still have kids via donated sperm

HeedMove Thu 24-May-18 19:11:14

Well its possible he isnt his but its also possible he is.

No one on here can confirm either way, its just pure speculation from strangers.

Why has his fertility not been tested yet yours has?

As an aside though one of my friend tried for eight years to get pregnant with her ex husband and didnt. They split and she moved in with her now second husband and concieved pretty much instantly. They arent the only people I know to of been the same.

yikesanotherbooboo Thu 24-May-18 21:27:02

Please don't start voicing doubts about your DSS's parentage. It is disrespectful to your DH and can only hurt your family.
You are a couple with subfertility. If you both want a baby then the next step is for your DH to have a semen analysis. Ask your husband to organise this through his GP.Stop worrying about all this detail from your husband's past it is not relevant to your life.

YoucancallmeVal Fri 25-May-18 00:35:20

My exh was infertile. No motility, no viable sperm. We were told icsi wouldn't work as there was nothing useable.

We got pregnant naturally a few years later.

ScattyCharly Fri 25-May-18 01:02:45

Whether or not step son is biologically your dh child, he needs to have fertility investigations now if conceiving is your joint goal.

It makes no difference if the step son is biologically his now that he’s almost an adult. You have voiced the suggestion that he isn’t his and that is enough for your dh to make a decision as to whether to get a DNA test or stick his head in the sand. Btw some people actively and knowingly stick their head in the sand and that is their choice.

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