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Where do I go from here?

(12 Posts)
KatharineHilbery Sun 20-May-18 17:46:29

Step-daughter aged 30 has been living with us rent-free since August. This was supposed to be for a week but for one reason or another has dragged on. It does seem as though she will be moving out in the next month. She is earning decent money - not enough to buy a flat in London, but well above the average wage. She has the top floor of our house - bedroom, bathroom, sitting room.
We have always got on well and I was actually looking forward to having her around. But it’s all worked out rather differently. She clearly resents being here; she left all her worldly goods (bags and bags and bags of stuff) in the study until the cleaner and I found places to stash them; she is out every night and away every weekend so makes no contribution to the household; she’s done nothing to make herself at home in her space, which is still full of unpacked boxes and bags. She keeps her car on the drive which means endless manoeuvring around it when we have visitors as there’s only room for two cars.
I am increasingly uncomfortable about having someone living in my house who doesn’t want to be there, particularly when, objectively, they are getting such a good deal. My husband however doesn’t see it like this and the situation is driving us further and further apart. Things came to a head this afternoon when I needed a suitcase that she had ‘borrowed’ a month ago and not unpacked, and my husband said we couldn’t touch the contents as they were personal.
I feel that he is choosing to be her father rather than my husband: I don’t see why he can’t be both - and I think if I were her mother he would be less defensive of her - we have been married over ten years.
I would move out were it not logistically impossible given our young child.
What can I do?

NorthernSpirit Sun 20-May-18 18:04:06

She sounds totally entitled and your husband is allowing this.

She moved in 10 months ago for 1 month is is still there - were you asked, was this discussed with you?

She’s 30 on a good salary but isn’t contributing anything.

If she resents being in your home, she should bugger off and find somewhere else to live.

And she’s borrowed an item (your suitcase) and hasn’t had the good manners to return it?

Your husband is allowing this behaviour and it’s not acceptable. I woukd tell him honestly how you feel and what changes you woukd like to see. Thus is Disney parenting to the extreme. She’s a 30 year old woman for godsake.

KatharineHilbery Sun 20-May-18 19:56:12

All these are thoughts Inhave had but my husband and I are a long way apart on this.

WhiteCat1704 Sun 20-May-18 22:00:47

Bleh...she is 30 and earning..she should leave..your DH is being unreasonable. Also you should have taken the bag you needed..

KatharineHilbery Sun 20-May-18 22:51:29

I did take the bag!
We had quite a good talk about it all but there doesn’t seem any way forward beyond asking her to leave, which my husband isn’t prepared to do.

TwatWaffle Sun 20-May-18 23:02:18

Oh god, you poor thing! The 30yr sounds like an absolute nightmare.

swingofthings Mon 21-May-18 06:21:13

Not long to go, hang in there, not worth ruining your marriage when you've born it all this time. Now you know to never agree to her coming back. She sounds very spoilt.

flumpybear Mon 21-May-18 06:25:42

She sounds spoilt and needs a conversation about manners from her dad

Can you go on holiday for a while til she leaves?! wink

WhiteCat1704 Mon 21-May-18 10:14:59

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this..your DH should be more reasonable.
How about you give her 3 months to find somewhere? Really its not only his decision. It's your home and as she is disrespectful you are reasonable to want her living somewhere else.. At 30 she should know better than to overstayike that too..

And I second swing, you will know to not agree to her moving in again.

TeamKuku1 Thu 24-May-18 12:36:02

I have two step children and two bio children i believe you love your husband. Protect your marriage. Bring his daughter close intentionally move closer to her and use language and behaviour that helps her to see the benefits of her own space. Focus on convincing her woman to woman. Not your husband. Focus on the solution not the problem. x

Bananasinpyjamas11 Thu 24-May-18 15:39:11

I’d say hang in there and try not to explode.

In one way, at least she’s kept out of your way. It could have been her around for dinner every night and leaving her mess everywhere. Bags of stuff unopened at least means she was not trying to move in permanently.

To me the car parked and a suitcase are not the worst things. If she wasn’t contributing was she saving for her own? It actually can’t have been easy for her, living where she can’t make it her home (although reasonable). I’d be on the side of trying to forge some good will in the last few weeks. Have her for dinner a few times. Ask about her future plans. Offer to help. She’s working and obviously not a slacker! Might actually be a lovely girl.

Mini2017 Fri 25-May-18 10:56:51

So you genuinely want to leave? Because of this situation or are there any other issues. If the former, I think it’s time you and hubby had a chat about this adult at home. So adult children can really test you. Like that 30yr old layabout who went to court because he wanted his parents to give him 6 month notice to move out. ( metro newspaper)
It’s not nice and like you said, she really is not trying at all.

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