opinions please?

[ihavehadenough]

hi, I'm feeling pretty down due to a fight with my partner about my 21yr old stepdaughters boyfriend living with us...

Originally she asked if he could stay for 2 weeks while he found a new flat for the both of them as he couldn't stay with his own parents, and that they couldn't stay with my stepdaughters mother as her mother is very religious and will not let them share a bed - normally she is week on week off with us and her mother. My partner told me that the boyfriend was going to stay for 2 weeks and I was fine with that.

What I am not fine with is that the original 2 weeks has now stretched out to 5 1/2 months. (They pay $20 each per week to cover household expenses - I do not provide food for them.)

What I increasingly became not fine with was the lack of house hunting going on - he works and she is at university and they spend ALL of their time in her room, order in food, and do not interact at all with the household. My stepdaughter hardly ever leaves her room until about 5pm when she breezes downstairs and out the door without even saying hi or bye unless I initiate it, and then it is just the one word.
Neither of them does any housework although I have requested it and even gone so far as to stick a list of chores that they could do on to the fridge along with a suggested amount of housework time.

After about 2 months I started emailing lists of available houses to them and have even driving the stepdaughter around to look at places but to no avail.

I am really unhappy about the situation and have asked my partner to do something about it. He is unhappy about my attitude, thinks that I am being unfair to them, but eventually gave them 2 weeks to find somewhere... that was in month 3 and the deadline came and went.

In month 4 I said that we had to make a firm 2 week deadline - and that it made much more sense for her to stay living with us while she was at university, but that the boyfriend had to move out.

Throughout all of this I have been told that I am unfair by my partner, that it is his house, that it is his daughter and that he doesn't want to drive her out.... I don't want to drive her out either, I am totally fine with her staying week on week off with us and her mother - rudeness, no housework and all!

I am getting progressively more and more angry about living with my 13 yr old daughter in this toxic environment but there is nothing at all that I can say to my partner.

Yesterday was the last day of the latest 2 week deadline.
Today when I asked my partner what was happening he said that the boyfriend had found a flat but was not moving for another 2 weeks.

And I lost the plot.

Not about the bf staying, but about my partner not talking to me about him staying for yet another 2 weeks (although he has his own parents too for chrissake), about my partner not consulting me when he knows how unhappy I am, about him making that decision on his own when he knew that I was expecting a final end to the saga YESTERDAY.

I yelled and I never yell, not ever. I was so pissed about my partner treating me like my opinions and feelings do not matter, that it is not my home too, that I am just some household pet.

And an hour later he left town for the week to fly to another city for work and I am left here, with my wide eyed daughter (I told you that I never ever yell and she is a bit freaked out!), and the toxic duo.

I feel absolutely awful that we left our relationship that way, that he has gone away believing that I am a nasty, yelling, mean monster who is trying to drive a wedge between him and his daughter...
We have a fantastic relationship but I am starting to realise - after 5 years - that it is fantastic if he gets his own way, but not so much if I object. I am very easy going normally so this difference between us has not reared it's ugly head before and it extremely upsetting, I have bawled all afternoon... and it is mothers day!

Am I really being a nasty mean monster? I don't feel like I am but I would love to hear other peoples opinions on how I could have handled this better sad

[OreoMini]

No your not nasty and mean.

If he’s not there tell the bf that he needs to leave TODAY. Your step daughter is welcome to stay but he needs to move out.

Your partner doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

I would tell him either the bf goes or you do.
And mean it.

[Bud222]

Is it your DP's house, OP? As in does he own it/in his name etc?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

What Aprilmightbemynewname said.

You’re out of options and he’s fucked off on his trip and left you with them.

How long’s he away for?

He’s being spineless and pathetic. You’re right to consider this a strong indication of your dynamic. A life where harmony exists because you have to be a doormat is no life at all.

[Bud222]

I can appreciate OP being annoyed with the situation, but I think chucking the boyfriend whilst DH is away is going to cause a lot more harm than good.

It'll definitely cause an uproar with her DSD, with DH not being able to hear both sides.

I'd definitely wait until he's home

[OreoMini]

Her DH don’t care about both sides though anyway otherwise he wouldn’t still be there.

[Bud222]

I think he's probably caught in the middle and is sticking his head in the sand (obviously wrong to do so)

I'm pretty certain that if OP kicks the BF out, then DSD will go as well. It'll be more difficult for OP if DH is away when shit hits the fan

[ihavehadenough]

So the DSD phoned him a few hours ago and told him that her and her boyfriend were moving out on Wednesday because of the “ toxic vibe”. DP texted me and says that I made him feel like he had to choose between me and his daughter and that he doesn’t want me to be unhappy but nor does he want to be unhappy by alienating his family. That I should do what is best for me (ie move out) and that clearly my frustration has been building up for a while.

He doesn’t get that it is his lack of consulting me, of including me in the decision making that has upset me, disrespected me which is why I lost it today - after 5 months of holding it in, and through no fault of my own... and no, I can’t live my life like that but he has chosen, and he didn’t choose me.

It is his house - although he promised when I moved in that we would buy a house together, however that has not happened.
I am now in a really bad situation, an awful situation. I moved in to his house and started my daughter at high school in his area and I cannot afford to buy or rent a house by myself in this school zone. I own half of a house myself but it is an hours drive away from the school. It looks like my 13 yr old and I will be driving a lot... and how do I protect her from this?

Wow. This has been one really crappy mother’s day. Taken out for a wonderful family brunch in the morning and then my perfect forever relationship shot down in flames the same afternoon. I am totally shell shocked. Totally.

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

I bet a few weeks of living with her bf ft will have her running home.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Oh OP. I’m so terribly sorry.

So DSD and useless boyfriend are moving out and he’s told you and your DD to move out leaving him on his own?

When is he back? Do you think there’s anything to discuss or are you at the point of realising it’s over?

[Bud222]

How's the boyfriend useless? At least he's working and not sitting at home on his arse all day

I do agree that it's not OP's job to be cleaning up after then, wholeheartedly. DP should have told his DD to help around the house.

It's just now got to such an extreme with a relationship being at stake over OP not feeling included in big decisions in her home, but it's not her house.

I just wonder how OP would feel if it was her own DD in this situation. It is her DP's house after all.

[OreoMini]

Why would the op care if he’s working or now ? How’s that making the situation any better for her having someone in the house you live in that you don’t want there is useless! It’s not helpful.

She’s not trying to kick out the DSD, just the boyfriend! It wasn’t supposed to be long term and her partners being a jack ass about it all.

It may not be her house but it is her home! She has as much right to be there as they have been together 5 years and were planning a future together.

OP can you move back to the other house and move your daughters school?

[OreoMini]

Working or not*

[Bud222]

If she's kicking boyfriend out, DSD will leave too. They're young, they've been living together, she'll go too. That'll cause shit to hit the fan with DP.

How can OP kick someone out when it's not her house to begin with? DP has all control here and it isn't fair.

I'd definitely move back to the home I owned, at least you decide who's in and who's out without having to live uncomfortably. Especially for your own young DD, who's probably finding it tough to live in a tense environment.

[SandyY2K]

Tbh knowing it was his house I wouldn't have been so vocal.

It also sounds like they keep out of your way and stay in her bedroom. If they provide their own food what household chores did you want them to do? They weren't interacting with the household ( because they probably realised you didn't want him there) and were trying to stay out of your space.

This was a looking battle for you, as it's not your house and you aren't married.

I know it's not great that 2 weeks has turned into almost 6 months....but I think you pushed it too hard.

[SandyY2K]

Typo

This was a LOSING battle

[ihavehadenough]

You are right SandyY2K, I realise now that it was a losing battle. I was never trying to kick the kids out - all I wanted was them to be at least looking for a house and to stick to a deadline and to do a bit of housework while they were living in this house out of respect and gratitude to him.

Things that I have learned:

DSD is blood and I am not
I am dispensable and she is not.
My daughter is also dispensable.
This is his house and thus his rules
I am not considered worth consulting with.
Unilateral decision making poisons relationships.

In all honesty I don't know if I can grovel and apologise to DP when he gets back at the end of the week, I don't feel like I was in the wrong and at this point I have to be true to myself because that is all that I have left.
It does not look like there is any way back from this.
He should have consulted me or at least told me what was happening as soon as he found out as this is my and my daughter's home too - as he has repeatedly told me.

This whole situation was not of my choosing. It is not my fault that DSS's boyfriend overstayed, I was not consulted.
DSS, the boyfriend and DP are responsible for the end of my relationship and the terrible upheaval that this will cause my impressionable 13 yr old daughter who cares about DP.
At any stage in the last 6 months any one of them could have resolved this situation by doing the right thing.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Absolutely don’t grovel.

He’s caused this. He’s acting as though he’s a lone agent and not considered you and your daughter at all. I’m sure he has his good points but he’s behaved appallingly.

I’m so sorry. It’s all awful. But you seem to be out of options because of his lack of respect for you. I wish it was different for you and DD but she needs to see you prioritising your unit and that when people treat you disrespectfully and unkindly you stand up for yourself and walk away with your head held high.

[ihavehadenough]

Thank you all for your replies, they have given me some things to think about x