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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

What do I do

141 replies

ferry655 · 29/04/2018 18:03

I have agreed with DP to have DSD for his usual contact weekend next month as he is going to be working. Backstory is he has been out of work for a while (self employed) and this job is a Friday- Tuesday staying away and is worth a lot of money to us that we desperately need.

All was fine until yesterday I received an invite to my nephews christening which is the Sunday of the contact weekend. It is a 3 hour drive away from our house and I would have to take my mum as she does not drive as well as my kids, there would be no room in the car for DSD. I have asked my partners mum but she is unable and DSD mum wont swap the weekends to the week before or after.

We really need the money (currently struggling with mortgage payments and bills) but on the other hand I don't want to miss out on this event and my mother would struggle to attend without the lift from me.

What is the best way to handle this!?

OP posts:

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Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/04/2018 18:05

That's such a hard one. I don't think you can go unless somebody else can take one of the DC in their car?

RandomWordsStuckTogether · 29/04/2018 18:07

But why would you have DSD on your DP’s contact weekend when your DP isn’t even going to be there?

HollowTalk · 29/04/2018 18:08

Does your partner's ex want you to have the child then? I wouldn't want that - I'd want my child at home with me if their dad couldn't see them.

ferry655 · 29/04/2018 18:10

Partners ex is insisting I have her. It would be Friday after school until Monday school time. He won't be here for any of that time. But this has all been explained to her today and she won't budge :(

It's just me and my mum who live here apart from my brother but it is his child's occasion so he wouldn't be able to travel all this way to fit any of the kids or mum in the car. It's such an awkward situation

OP posts:

Luckybirdpoo · 29/04/2018 18:13

She's using you as free childcare! Tell her you can't take DSD. If the tables were turned she wouldn't do it for you! SHes a CF!

blueskyinmarch · 29/04/2018 18:14

Your partner just has to tell his ex that she can't come that weekend and fit in another one. You don't have a responsibility to your DSD although i do understand that you probably don't want her to feel you don't want here there.

ferry655 · 29/04/2018 18:14

To add: my partner is happy for me to say I can't do the weekend. But ex will relay this to DSD in not a very nice way and I don't want to cause more hassle than it's worth iyswim

OP posts:

greenlanes · 29/04/2018 18:20

I'm afraid you have committed to look after DSD for any number of good and kind reasons. So i am afraid you will need to miss the christening. Your mum will have to find someone else to help. Short notice for a christening?

pinkhorse · 29/04/2018 18:22

It's not your problem. It's a contact weekend with her dad not you. Your dp will need to sort it with his ex

RiddleyW · 29/04/2018 18:25

She's using you as free childcare!

No, he’s using her as free childcare, it’s his weekend.

Colbu24 · 29/04/2018 18:26

I'm surprised the Mum would want you to have her children on your own.
Your DP also needs to be able to provide for his children. Ultimately it's up to him to make alternative arrangements so he can see his DC.
The Mum isn't showing any flexibility and that's crazy to me.
As long as you can prove your DP has done everything he can to make sure he is providing for the kids and keeping regular contact I can't see any issues.
You don't have to provide babysitting.
I thought the idea was for the kids to see their Dad not you.

Colbu24 · 29/04/2018 18:30

I'm sure the children much rather wait and see their Dad than being at his house and not see him.

user1498854363 · 29/04/2018 18:31

Don’t you have time to arrange with yr mum that with dsd you won’t be able to fit her as well? Could she travel day before etc?
Seems reasonable for you to have dsd in partners absence as u agreed, you can’t change this just cos something came up?
Or all take train etc? Dsd May relish wider family contact/party
If you can’t fit dsd surely you give apologies she is part of yr family, don’t exclude her or reject her cos it’s inconvenient/ plans don’t fit/have changed

nothingelsetodo · 29/04/2018 18:34

Just be strong and refuse. She can't actually force you.

user1493413286 · 29/04/2018 18:43

I understand your difficulty but I think as you agreed to have your DSD you should honour that; it’s quite short notice to tell people about a christening the month before and basically now you have plans that mean you won’t be able to attend.
Also his mum may also have plans that weekend and just because your DP is working it doesn’t mean she should have to cancel hers. When a non resident parent can’t have their child on their weekend the onus isn’t on the resident parent to automatically have the child, it’s the parent who should have care of the child who needs to arrange childcare.

swingofthings · 29/04/2018 18:45

She's using you as free childcare!
Free childcare? On days that her DD shouldn't be with her anyway? Its' OP's DP who is using her as free childcare. What would he do if OP wasn't there? He would turn down the job and find a 9 to 5 one so that he could dedicate his week-ends to his daughter.

swingofthings · 29/04/2018 18:48

I can't believe the attitude of this thread? All that outrage when resident parents don't send their kids on contact time with their dad, but hey, when dad picks a job over looking after his daughter, the default is that mum should have to look after her daughter. Talk about massive double standard but not that surprising because in the end, there are still many separated father and partner who love to shout how they should have the same rights than the resident parent but when it doesn't suit, suddenly they have no rights nor responsibilities any longer and it's left for the resident parent to sort things out to allow them to get on with their lives.

Mossend · 29/04/2018 18:54

Why did our partner agree to work when he has his DD?

I find it strange that there is no give and take but I really think the responsibility lies with your DH.

I disagree with the comment about being used as free childcare, when the DD is with her mum does that mean her DF using the Mum as free childcare?

MrPebbles · 29/04/2018 18:54

I'm going to go against the grain here and I say I think you are being highly unreasonable for putting your nephews christening before your obligations as a step parent.

A step child is no more disposable than your blood children. It's a massive responsibility, one which if taken on whole heartedly will reap benefits in your family unit, your relationship with your SC.

When you married your partner, you took
On his kids too. As a child, I'd be devastated that my step mother sidelined me like this.

Candlelights · 29/04/2018 18:56

She's not providing anyone with "free childcare" (and least of all the ex, as it's not her weekend and I'd imagine she has plans of her own) She's agreed with her DP that she will care for his DD - along with the other children- whilst he earns some much needed money, for their joint household.

I really don't think it's on to "tell" the ex got can't have DSD. It's you and your DP's responsibility to sort something out

It's a tough one, but I think you need to honour the commitment you made OP unless you can find another option. Could DSD go to a friend's for the day? If not then I think you should probably tell your DM that you can't give her a lift. Could she maybe get a train or bus, and you could pick her up from a nearby station?

And do your have 3 other children of your own? If not, couldn't you squeeze DSD in too?

feelinggoodinspring · 29/04/2018 19:07

So I am afraid you will need to miss the christening.

Not necessarily. I would find a babysitter/arrange a sleepover if I was the OP.

ferry655 · 29/04/2018 19:10

Sorry feel like this might be a drip feed! Yes I have 3 other children, my partner would never normally pick work over contact. He always has extra weekends and he has had 6 weekends in a row at times to take his daughter to various places. If we weren't SERIOUSLY struggling he would turn it away, but we are in a bad situation and like I said it is worth a lot of money that will certainly help keep a roof over our heads for the next few months.

It's a tough one. My mum has long term illness so would not be able to travel on her own or via public transport. But like others have said I don't want to be seen as 'something better has come along'

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greathat · 29/04/2018 19:28

Hire a mini van so everyone fits

lunar1 · 29/04/2018 19:53

Why are so many people putting this on the mum? Unless everyone agrees that dads aren't real parents.

It's his weekend. For whatever reason the mum can't swap. So the person that needs the child care in place is the dad and nobody else. If you need the money as a family then it's the christening that has to give. That's because of your financial situation and is in no way the fault of one child and her mum.

RiddleyW · 29/04/2018 20:35

Why are so many people putting this on the mum?

Because Mum is always the default. It is just sexism.

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