That you were / are the other woman

[Willyouadmit]

I admit I was. I read a lot of threads on here and posters always justify with I was not the other woman. My DH and I have been together 10 years. When I met him he didn't initially (for about a month) tell me he was married with children. The day he told me everything I was angry and upset. I told him he had to make his decision immediately.

[CoCoCoconut]

What do you want people to say?

[GinThereDoneThat]

Not all situations are as 'smooth' as that when it comes to the other woman or other man, and a lot of people have been on the reverse and found out which is why people tend to make a point of excluding themselves from the 'other' group. That's probably why people say it on here, but as another poster said, not sure what you are wanting to gain from this!

[Willyouadmit]

I just wondered if anybody ever admitted it.

[fourhundredyears]

How do you trust him now?

[Willyouadmit]

I completely trust him. We've been together 10 years. There were reasons for the breakdown of his previous relationship.

[fourhundredyears]

Had he not been with his wife, who he had children with for a number of years when he did it to her though?

I'm sorry if I sound argumentative, I'm genuinely curious. If I was "the other woman" I struggle to see how I'd ever think there wouldn't be ANOTHER woman after me...

[NotTakenUsername]

I would say most people see it as quite shameful if one knew but stayed, and a mark of no self respect if one didn’t know initially but stayed after finding out.

They probably want to distance themselves from that type of stereotype.

[Willyouadmit]

Fourhundredyears - I welcome your point of view and questions. However, I wasn't really wondering about the dynamics of our relationship - more wondering if people admit to being the other woman. As I said in my OP I have read so many posts on here with the justification they were not.

[fourhundredyears]

You shouldn't really have been "the other woman" and you wouldn't need to consider that ☕️

[GorgonLondon]

There were reasons for the breakdown of his previous relationship

Yes, you.

[takeittakeit]

And therein lies the problem OP - you justify your actions by stating there were justifiable reasons - for who?

You do not give a shit about his EX, gave him an ultimatum and you won. Someone somewhere lost.

And that you are still together for 10 yrs.

Either way - someone did not know, was not expecting and got hurt - big style.

there is NO justification for starting a relationship, when in a relationship and particularly not when one of you is married.

My EX - had two affairs and then went off with the second OW. 4 yrs down the line, he wants back in!!!!!!
What can I say - as the scorned wife of 15 yrs. We had 2 DCS under 4 yrs - both planned and agreed. I have a chronic illness. My parent and sibling both had cancer, one died one survived, I was ill, one DC ended up on PICU and he had an affair with a family friend -because I did not give him enough attention.
I was running on empty and he felt neglected - whoopee fucking dooo! OW - and ex friend knew how shagged I was, driving my parent and sibling to radio and chemo, trying to hold down a job.

His excuses to friends included none of those issues - OW knew what was going on.
Two families destroyed because of the actions of two selfish cunts. She is now back with her EX and he wants back with me - no chance in hell of that happening!

So what would you like me to say -wish there was more honesty on the SM forum and less of telling the EX to get over it and move on.I ahve moved on - lovely new DP who we are in the process of blending families.

No one male or female gets over the gut wrenching feeling that someone you trusted has betrayed you. It destroys your self esteem, your beliefs and the future one minute you thought you had for you and your family. That idiots on this forum expect the man or woman who has been hurt,to show greater morals and behaviour than the wankers who destroyed their lives - talk absolute rubbish. It takes time and alot pf processing to get to a point of calm and moving on.

SO OW /OM - do not give your EX a hard time,let them process, consider, grieve and move on. It happens but at a different pace for allof us who ahve been treated like crap.

Is that what you wanted to hear OP?

[timeisnotaline]

You (it sounds like) weren’t knowingly with him while he was hiding it from his wife. It’s pretty unattractive to think someone is happy to have a relationship with someone married. I judge them. That’s why people are unwilling to admit it.

[Neverexpected2]

My ex and his ow are trying to maintain that she wasn't purely, in my opinion, so the kids won't look less favourably upon them both. She was and he is a cheat but I doubt either will ever admit it

[NoMudNoLotus]

You broke up a family.

Iv no time for women like you

[Willyouadmit]

Gorgon - you don't know that and cannot state that is 100% fact.

[DuchyDuke]

I was in a similar situation. Man told me after a few months that he was married. I left him. Presumably because I have more self respect than you do.

[Willyouadmit]

Takeittakeit- I'm very sorry for your situation. I have not given you any details/background information with regards to my circumstances. You know nothing about my DH previous relationship, yet feel like you have the right to judge all in the stereo typical way. I'm glad you are now happy and have moved on.

[Willyouadmit]

Duchyduke- why does that mean you have more self respect than Me? Given the information I had from DH I was not prepared to have an affair- as I said he either ended marriage or we were over. As I have said in a PP I have not given any specific details.
I have just read another thread in relationships (I think) from a poster asking if the man marries OW, looks as though 2cnd marriages do go on to be successful.

[takeittakeit]

No OP -I do not know but there is NO justification EVER of doing what you allege your DP did - he had an affair whilst in a relationship with someone else.

Duchyduke- has it right, she walked. You gave yours an ultimatum and won - congratulations.

am really not sure what you want to gain form this post - there is no good that comes from having an affair on this forum -step parenting - it means some innocent children had their lives thrown into turmoil.Ignore the adults, most of the time they had a choice - the children did not.

I have not judged your cheating DP - he did what you said.

End of done finished.

My point is do not underestimate the harm OW/OM do to friends, partners and their children.

Smug comments on how they ( the new couple were meant to be) 10 yrs on do not help your case.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

The reason people say they’re not the ow is because if a step parent ever complains about anything, some wanker quickly comes along and asks if they were the ow. Presumably because if they were, posters think they deserve any crap thrown at them by the ex or the kids, no matter how many years ago it may have been.

No, I wasn’t the ow. But because of how frequently it’s levelled at people on here, I’ve felt the need to say it first. Which, thinking about it, is bloody stupid. It’s also the reason so many OPs include how long their husband was divorced before she met him.

Tbh, life with a man who has children can be difficult enough without people speculating about you being a man stealing bitch as well.

As a stepmum, so many people are delighted to give you a kicking, they’re probably going to believe you “stole” your husband from his DC mum whether or not that happened.

I can’t imagine what on earth you’re hoping to achieve with this. Are you bragging about something? Hoping to start a club?

Or are there specific things you want to discuss with people?

One of my ex’s cheated on me. It was an awful experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

[lunar1]

This board is hard enough for stepmums to come and get a balanced view without goady posts like this.

The majority of step mums are not OW, don't put yourself in the same category as them.

[NeedAGoodBook]

Well, I think the mumsnet script of wife good other woman bad is a bit too simplistic for me. Comments along the lines of ''OW the worst of the worst'' don't sit right with me. Because I think, what, worse than drink driving? worse than selling drugs to kids, worse than a rapist? Come on folks.

Saying that obviously I'd never encourage a friend to go out with a married man, but relationships do die and evolve and people who get married young sometimes aren't right for each other.
I think things that are incredibly painful can turn out to be the making of you (in my case, an abusive relationship which I left). The amount of introspection would never have happened if I'd just been cruising along in a hum drum marriage.

My friend is very happy with a man who left his wife for her. He definitely wasn't happy with his first wife and he is now. Sometimes I don't like the way she is dismissive of the first wife for not working, as though she doesn't realise that earning enough to make it worthwhile when you have three children is a completely different ballgame to earning enough to make it worthwhile when you have one child. Especially when simply you earn more anyway (than the first wife). BUT other than that I don't have any issue with it.

I feel sad for the posters on here who are genuinely shocked, who did have good marriages, until their H met somebody perkier at the office who flattered his ego. That is painful to read. I think married men are entitled shits most of the time. They're happy enough but somebody flatters their ego. The smart women wouldn't have anything to do with a married man because he is most likely happy enough and just bored and easily flattered

[Willyouadmit]

Takeittakeit there was nothing 'smug' in stating a fact that my DH have been in a relationship 10 years.
Perhaps in other people's lives every thing isn't always as black and white as it is in yours.
I feel you have perhaps gone off the OP a little and to you and another PP who asked about anything else I wanted to share - My DH needed counselling at the beginning of our relationship because of his previous relationship to help cope with things he had had to deal with and other things as well. The first time he opened up about things. He has said he may not actually be here today if we hadn't had met. How would that have been for his children?, what damage has it done to the children viewing the relationship their parents had? I asked my original question because although yes he was married (as said I didn't know initially) I feel something good has come out if our relationship and I wondered if anyone else felt the same.
I cannot say too much about his previous relationship for fear of outting us.

[Willyouadmit]

Lunar1 - apologies to you if i have posted in wrong section. I am actually newish to this forum and only a few hours ago realised there is a section for relationships.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

but relationships do die and evolve and people who get married young sometimes aren't right for each other

Ermmm....you know affairs happen to all sorts of relationships, right? Not just people who married young.