I'm posting again....

[trickle4]

But yet again under a different username for fear of being outed...

Just checking opinions on wether dh is right here.

So tonight dsd (13) should be coming for the full weekend. She comes every full weekend, then the following just a Sunday, then the full weekend again...etc etc...

This morning she informed dh that her mum has booked them tickets for something tomorrow. Dh not impressed. It's his time, his weekend but said it was fine.

So dsd is still coming tonight. Her mum will pick her up from our house tomorrow but is refusing to drop her back off with us after the event. She's said dh will have to come and colllect her. The drive to the place they are going too will take him 45 minutes each way. He's said no. Ex will have to drop her back off. To which ex replied, 'I'll just take her home then. You can't even be arsed, shit dad'

Now the thing is, ex moved away from our town 2 years ago. And has not helped in anyway when it comes to collecting dsd and dropping her off. Originally she said she would but she hasn't. She moved a 50 min drive away from us.

Now dh just does the picking up and dropping off - even every other Sunday when he spends most of the day just driving to pick her up then taking her back again after a few hours without moaning.

But now it's getting to a stage where both the ex and dsd are taking the piss abit. Dsd now decides when she wants to come and when she doesn't. Sometimes she prefers to be with her friends at that's absolutely fine. However we do explain to her that if she does this, we won't always be available to come and collect her when she wants. We have other dcs to consider and we make family plans.

E.g she will ring dh and say 'I'm sleeping at a friends tonight, can you pick me up at 11am tomorrow instead?' This is usually on the Friday she is supposed to come. 9/10 we can do this for her though dh feels his mum should play a part in dropping her off when this happens. We don't want her to feel left out but sometimes the other dcs have parties or arrangements. We only have 1 car so do what we can. It's dsds choice not to stick to the routine and dh 100% realises she's at an age when she wants a social life. It's fine.


However it's not fine when her mother makes plans on dhs weekend. She hadn't even come consulted dh to see if we had any plans.

So is dh right about not going to collect her from the venue they are going too? Tbf we can't at that time anyway, we are already going to see his family which dsd would of been coming too. But it's just expected of him to be able go collect her.

It's just all getting abit ridiculous. How do you deal with it when they get to teenagers? Wouldn't be so bad if she lived closer or had a mother who was willing to help out just a little bit. But it's getting like dh is just on stand by on a weekend to take her home or pick her up.

Dsd also usually goes in a mood when she's hear on a Sunday as her friends are asking her out to play and she's an hour away with us. There are times when we can't just take her home because she wants to go. We make plans around the arranged times (home time for her is 5.30, she's home for 6:.30 and dh is home for 7.30). Sometimes she will want to go home at 1pm for example but I will need the car or the other dcs have needs and we can't do it.

Do we just let her come and go as she pleases? I honestly don't see the point of dh collecting her tonight. She's already asked to be picked up later so she can stay out with her friends. That's fine but she's being collected at 11am tomorrow. She won't get up until 10am.

Sorry I'm just getting fed up with it. Last week dh was called an embarrassment of a father because he hadn't given dsd any tea. She didn't want any and was just going to have a snack when she got home. She was offered tea but said no.

It's just something every week from the ex and I feel like they both just walk all over dh. But if dh tries to stand up for himself, that makes him a shitty dad.

[snackarella]

I'd suggest that if she or her mother change the plan, then the new plan has to fit it in with you ....especially as you only have one vehicle and other kids

[trickle4]

Thank you, I agree 100%. So frustrating that she can just change or book things for them to do on dhs time and then expect him to go and collect her! She walks all over him, she really does.

I keep suggesting a court order but we just don't have the funds to cover it unfortunately

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

Doubt a court order would cover a teen tbh. When my ds's got to 12/13 they had more say in the arrangements. Now 2x ds live ft with me and nc with df after his Disney parenting backfired. Make it clear you are flexible but some things like birthdays and proper family days out are non negotiable. In this instance I would not be collecting after the event.

[trickle4]

Well yeah that's also what I thought regarding the court order. I know she's too old now and it would be pointless. Obviously she wants to do her own thing and dh would never take that away from her but both dad and the ex need to realise that dh can't just pick her up whenever or drop her off whenever because she wants to do other things. We literally are as flexible as can be but we can just prioritise dsd over the other dc's.

On the back of this, dh doesn't want to not see his dd at the weekends so pretty much all the time, he does what she asks. He's very much in her life as much as can be. They speak on the phone 2/3 times a day, they are very close and he doesn't want to lose this with her.

Even if the ex could be a little bit nicer to dh, that would be something. He's anything but a shit dad to his dd.

[Wdigin2this]

Looks like this is how it's going to be, doesn't it? As she grows older, she will want to spend more and more time with her friends, and won't want to be making that journey each week! Perhaps you'll just have to look at it as a temporary thing, and cope with it....not easy, I really get that, but apart from just refusing and alienating his DD, I'm not sure what else he can do!

[trickle4]

Yep, there's not much else he can do unfortunately. And he does his best with dd and fitting around her. It's just when the mother makes other plans and expects him to go with it, that just takes the biscuit really.

[ClaryFray]

Swap weekends. Okay Mum you have this weekend. I'll have next weekend as the full weekend.

Job done.

[trickle4]

Tried that but she works those weekends. She won't do anything dh asks.

[trickle4]

She basically just sees dh as non important. She isn't bothered about dsds relationship with her father. As far as she's concerned, she's bringing her up so what she says go's. She really couldn't care if dh was in dsd's life or not which is why she won't help out with anything. Long as she gets her maintenance (which she does) that's all she's bothered about.

[swingofthings]

Ex is totally unreasonable and rude. If DD is 13, is there anyway she starts considering take public transport, train or bus? That would makes things much easier for everyone.

By the way, totally normal at 13 to prioritise your friends. It's that fear that might be losing out on something if they are not there when together. Your oh needs to respect this. Parents don't spend half the time with their teens as they used to, it's part of them growing up. If he has regular phone contact, then he is lucky as clearly it means she enjoys their conversation and in many ways, that can be more special sometimes than visits.

[Magda72]

If you can't afford a court order then I think your poor dh is just going to have to face up to the fact that he's not going to be able to have the relationship with his dd that he would like - not an easy or nice realization.
He needs to put his foot down (sort of has to put his foot down as there's only one car) re the weekends at yours but yes runs the risk of pissing ds off.
My dp in a similar situation in that he has to drive to collect his dc - it's a three & a half hour round trip & his exw flatly refuses to meet him half way & refuses to put the kids on public transport.
We're now at a point whereby he's going to have to keep a property where she lives in order to see them eow which is ridiculous. His work base is in yet another town where they all lived but she decided to move so him being with me hasn't caused the distance if you see what I mean.
The last few weekends he has travelled to get the kids only to arrive & find out she's bought tickets for some event or other on the Saturdays & he's had to stay at his sisters all weekend to facilitate this. Kids are all teens & no one bothers to tell him this!
Their's was a mutual divorce with no formal contact arrangement as he didn't think they'd need one. Then he met me & she turned really nasty, using the kids to manipulate - it's too late now to go back to court as they're all teens.

[Magda72]

Pissing dd off! Autocorrect 🙄

[colditz]

It's not about affording a court order - no court will make an order to control whether or not a thirteen + year old goes to stay with their father or not.

Think very carefully about the relationship he wants with his daughter. Is it one where he insists that she goes to him and does not see her friends? How do you see that playing out? How willing is she likely to be to join in family life at your house when she's essentially been grounded?

her mother shouldn't be booking things on his time but at 13 you cannot expect contact to continue like she's 3. She has a certain amount of autonomy.

[trickle4]

Dh does totally respect his dd's social life! I've said this in every post. He totally does understand she wants to be with her friends and never gets in her way. Ever. There's been times when she's come to us but has been absolutely miserable the whole time because she didn't want to be here. It's not worth it as her and dh only end up arguing all weekend.

It's just sometimes, it's very hard to collect her when this happens if we have other plans. Like the last weekend, she wanted picking up on Saturday tea time but one of the other dc's has a birthday party at that time so we couldn't do it. She ended up coming the next morning and just for the day but it got to lunch time and she had enough and wanted dh to take her home again. Even though he's just travelled 2 hours to collect her.

Maybe just the regular phone contact is the way to go for now. There's literally nothing else dh can do for dd. He's happy that she's got some friends to go out and do things with. She never made friends easy and when she moved, he was worried about how she would find a new school and new friends but it couldn't of gone any better for her really.

@Magda72 Same here. It would be totally different if dh was the one that moved away. But the ex moved (which is fair enough but she hasn't considered how it affects dsd and dh at all)

[Magda72]

@trickle4 - is there anyway he could see her differently. Say for example travel to see her one day a weekend or will the car issue still be a problem? Or maybe give her her Friday's with her friends & collect her Saturday afternoon until Sunday?
It's great she has friends & that has to be facilitated but she still has to maintain her relationship with her dad.
It's so tough - I know my own dp is so fed up with the whole thing at this stage.

[NorthernSpirit]

No you are not out of order at all.

The mother moved, the moth changed the arrangements - you aren’t a taxi service.

I feel for you. We have the same thing. DSC live 75 mins away. Mother has booked kids activities for every weekend which my OH feels obligated to take them to. So on a Friday there’s a 2.5 hour round trip. Out the door at 8am Saturday for foortball training and another 2.5 hour trip. Out the door at 8am Sunday for football matches and drop off - circa a 3 hour round trip. In 5.5 years mother hasn’t done one pick up or drop off - she was asked to drop them off once a 5 min walk from hers and there was a vitriolic kick off. Both me & my OH work FT and have 2 hour commutes every day. Mother walks 3 days PT and has a 10 min walk into work - personally I think she should do half of pick ups and drop offs but it’s nevrr going to happen.

The kids have to realise your not a taxi service. Is she old enough to start getting public transport? We’ll be pushing for that when they are old enough.

Your DSD also needs to realise that her actions affect others. I wouldn’t put up with last minute cancellations - they affect the whole family.

[Prettylovely]

She is totally unreasonable booking things on his weekend and then not dropping sd off.
She should at the very least be sharing the drop offs.
As pp said perhaps its time you spoke about public transport if she wants to come along after changing plans, perhaps getting the train or bus?

[WhiteCat1704]

What about public transport? Can't she take a train/bus?

[Magda72]

It's ridiculous @NorthernSpirit isn't it?
My dscs were playing rugby - all matches on a Sunday which dp was fine driving them to, then taking them for Sunday lunch & then back to dm. She decided she didn't like them playing rugby & signed them up for soccer instead - all matches on a Saturday! 🙄

[trickle4]

@Magda72 I actually do think her just coming for 1 night is possibly the next best thing if we can work round it. It's not just dh, she has other siblings that want to see her (as do I). But it's just causing so much stress it's ridiculous.

And someone mentioned public transport would also be an option - for me anyway - but don't know what dh or the ex would think. She would need to do 2 buses. Even if she could just do one, it would be no problem to collect her from our town. Probably not going home on her own if it's late but if it's the middle of the day, I think she would be fine. She's a very sensible girl however she's the type that everything does scare her. She probably wouldn't be too keen on the idea as she would say she's too scared of travelling alone.

Both less time and using public transport seem sensible options to me but it's not really my place to say 'this is what we need to do'. I'll suggest it though

[Prettylovely]

Perhaps your dh could do a journey with her first so she could familiarise herself with the train station/bus journey.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He’s absolutely right not to go and get her after the event.

There’s a line between doing what he can to fit around her life and wishes and respecting she’s growing up, and being a doormat and putting her desire for a lift over everyone else’s needs.

The ex is taking the piss and it’s up to him to show his daughter he loves her and wants to have a close and flexible relationship with her but she’s not his only consideration and her doing the same isn’t a guarantee she gets what she wants when she wants it.

On this occasion, she’s putting the event first, which is okay, but then she misses out on coming to you for the rest of the weekend.

She is plenty old enough to understand that and him making a rod for his own back by pandering won’t help her become a well rounded pleasant person.

[trickle4]

@Prettylovely yeah that would be a good way of starting it - good suggestion, thank you.

It could also be an option for us if she decides she wants to leave early, if we can get her to the first bus stop and then she can make her own way back. Hopefully it may make her think about organisation and time and also help her realise that dh is not her taxi service as pp said.

I really have no idea on wether she will be up for using buses. But i do feel she's sort of responsible for organising her own weekends now. Like I say, no hard feelings if she doesn't want to come or wants to come later/leave earlier but it's time she was also responsible for this.

I just don't want to come across as an evil type step mother for suggesting this. I've always had a good relationship with dsd.

[Prettylovely]

You are not an evil stepmother, Public transport just makes more sense.

[Lampine]

Let me save you a lot of time and hassle. Been here and you are about to be run ragged. If DSD (or mother) organise events that are inside your intended/planned contact then agree and say you'll see DSD on next scheduled contact. You are being massively disrespected by the mother and the daughter is going to find other things to do that revolve around her main home very soon anyway. This will put the mother firmly back in her place, as she wants to disrupt your time for her own pleasure and expects you to further inconvenience yourselves and will use the 'shit Dad' comment as emotional blackmail to get you to run around after her. Do not be used. You are offering a full weekend of contact as a family, or you'll wait to next scheduled contact if DSD/mother insist on changing the plans. Sit back and watch the mother try various tactics to blackmail, slander and undermine you - then ignore it. You do have a right be respected and if you don't enforce that, then you cause more damage to yourselves than the mother can inflict anyway. This way it's up to the child to decide what contact she wants and isn't that the point? The mother will likely want her free time and stop this behaviour. At least you'll see a less forced picture of your position.