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Caught in the middle

(7 Posts)
Theoldburd Thu 26-Apr-18 23:05:07

Hi ladies looking for advice, I’m a forty something year old woman who finally found love two years ago, I’m also a proud mum to a gorgeous 17 year old girl, the problem I have is that I feel I’m now caught in the middle trying to make time for both my husband and daughter, I work days and my husband works nights, the only day he has off is a Saturday so we try to do something together, my daughter doesn’t really have a large circle of friends and feels she is now pushed to the side after having me to herself for the last 17 years, there is constant bickering between us all and it is wearing me downsad

NorthernSpirit Thu 26-Apr-18 23:10:04

She’s 17, almost an adult. It’s not about her having you to herself, it’s your time now and you deserve to be happy. It’s not about you making time for them, I bet you’ve spent years putting her first. Now it’s your time to be put first.

Theoldburd Thu 26-Apr-18 23:38:47

Thank you, I do try with them both, all I want is for us all to get along it just feels like the odds are stacked against us and both of them are now saying that they think they should leave the family home.x

Bananasinpyjamas11 Fri 27-Apr-18 00:32:00

Sorry but as I’ve said on another thread, you are not caught in the middle! You chose to have a child and you chose a partner. It’s up to you to make it work. You can’t just blame your BF for wanting to spend time with you.

Be clear to both what you think is fair, reasonable, and stick to it. Your daughter will be having her own life soon, she can’t monopolise you but she needs to see how happy you are, see you as a good role model for how to have a relationship too.

swingofthings Fri 27-Apr-18 06:06:30

OP, I totally understand how you feel. Even since my kids have turned teenagers, I felt in the middle between my OH and my children. Unfortunately, the concept of a happy family was not going to happen in our place, which is fine, it doesn't always work, but it means that I am constantly in the middle trying to satisfy the demands and needs of one and the other and sometime, it's overwhelming.

Rightly or wrongly, you've given your DD a lot of attention and she became dependent on it, and now she sees it dwindling which is of course upsetting and scary. At the same time, your relationship is still new and of course you want to give it attention.

My advice would be not to try to act like a happy family all three together. Your DD and your partner probably prefer to spend time just with you, so do priviledge that and value quality over quantity.

I don't agree at all with 'she 17 and it's her time now'. Kids don't see it this way and shouldn't have to. If you hadn't met someone, you probably would still be happy to have the same close relationship with her. Also at 17, they still need attention and guidance from parents. If anything, I would say my DD needed me more at that age than when she was 14/15.

Listen to your DD and don't make her feel that now that you found someone else to make you happy, you don't need her as much. Your OH needs to understand that you are mum before anything else and he needs to respect this. It won't be for much longer that he'll be able to have you almost all for himself.

SandyY2K Fri 27-Apr-18 07:22:40

I don't agree at all with 'she 17 and it's her time now'. Kids don't see it this way and shouldn't have to

I agree. That's a very selfish attitude for any parent to have. Just because your child reaches 17/18 doesn't mean you're done with them.

I don't see why you're caught in the middle. Why can't you spend time with your BF and your DD separately? You can schedule time for your DD to do things together like spa days, afternoon tea/lunch, shopping etc.

Saturday isn't the only time or day. What about weekday evenings.

I would also encourage your DD to socialise a bit more.

ferriswheel Fri 27-Apr-18 07:41:00

Could you explain it to your daughter?

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