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Ungrateful stepson

(17 Posts)
Helpdesk48 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:11:24

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. Since day 1 his son and ex partner have both been hard work for me. I went through a few years of his son being totally disrecptful towards me. To the point it brought me to tears. The mother makes it hard work for us. We both work full time and have to work every other weekend. So we don’t get much time together on our own. We have him every Wednesday till Thursday morning. Then every other Friday Saturday and goes home Sunday. If my husband is off and she knows she will sometimes get the son to phone my husband and ask if he can come over. If my husband says no, my god there is a massive drama. Tears and tantrums. It really gets me down.
Any advice? I’ve tried talking to my husband about it but he gets so angry that we have fallen out over it a few times. I have a older son and when it comes to him giving his opinion he doesn’t hold back.
I’m just annoyed at the the way my stepson talks to people and treats people. The other day my husband said no to something and my stepson turned around and said I hope you get hit by a bus and die. Not being funny this is not what a 7 year old sag oils be saying.

Thefeud Thu 26-Apr-18 20:13:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Helpdesk48 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:16:15

I did that so I didn’t end up putting there names.
Trust me I have tried very hard and get no thanks.

Quartz2208 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:17:35

You need to separate out the issues:

Issue 1: the time he is there is fine one night a week and EOW is standard and is not changeable (nor should it be). And you have to accept him ringing and coming round. This one is you issue you need to work through

Issue 2: Your DH clearly treats your son and his differently. He clearly picks up on your sons behaviour more than his. This is something you need to talk to your DH about - and agree discipline for both of them that is the same.

NorthernSpirit Thu 26-Apr-18 20:20:23

Ok, I think I here’s 2 issues here.

Contact - get a formal contact order to stop the silliness and everyone knows where they are. A 7 year old shouldn’t be deciding contact, this is an adult decision. If the EW can’t act like an adult get a judge to decide.

Being rude to you and your OH (his dad) is totally unacceptable and needs to be dealt with. This will only get worse. You can’t control what goes on st the mums house, but you can control what goes on at yours. Dad needs to put boundaries in place and stick with them.

lunar1 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:22:29

So ungrateful, wanting to spend some extra time with his dad!

Helpdesk48 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:26:13

I tried with boundaries and said that these have to be put in place. Dad- doesn’t. When I first meet my stepson he never said please and thank you. So I made a point, because manners don’t cost a thing. That was hard work. I was called all sorts and he hated me because I pulled him up on his manners. So it makes me look like the bad guy straight away. Hence why I don’t get involved.

Helpdesk48 Thu 26-Apr-18 20:27:28

Sorry, makes me sound like a horrible step mum. The mother will get him to phone when she knows we are out.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 26-Apr-18 20:31:09

Children sometimes say very unkind things. He was 3 when you got together. I can’t imagine feeling disrespected by a toddler. 7 is still quite little. If his dad lets him behave in a rude way to you he’s going to continue to do so. It’s not okay but you can see where he’s coming from. Children need clear boundaries and he doesn’t have any with regard to you. It’s not your fault. It’s not his fault. You have a right to have everyone in your home treat you with courtesy.

Do you have anything in common with your stepson? There must be some nice things about him.

Your problem, as so often, is your husband. He needs to be responsible for liaising with his ex and to shield you from any hassle with her if it causes you a lot of stress. He needs to parent his son and if you’re finding things difficult then he needs to listen to you and let you discuss things calmly and find ways to make them easier between you.

Blending families is often tricky but after 4 years you should have found your rhythm. A husband who’s unfair to your son, overlooks difficult behaviour in his own son and gets angry with you for voicing your concerns is awful and is going to make you very unhappy over time. If you’re not there already.

There are ways of bringing things up calmly, are you choosing what you raise with him and the language you use so he’s most likely to listen without feeling attacked? It’s not your fault at all that he’s acting angrily, that’s not okay. But you’re obviously very stressed and it can be hard to zone in on specific things that can be fixed rather than ranting in a rage about everything.

By tuna I mean if you say “I was thinking about SS, I know he loves spending time with you on his own, how about the two of you have a weekend away?” Vs “Jesus Christ I hate your son, he’s a nightmare, if he’s here again this weekend I’m going to lose my shit, make sure he’s not”.

I hope that makes sense.

Dergadgeghead Thu 26-Apr-18 20:31:27

I don't get it. He's 7 years old and you're his stepmother. What is he meant to be so grateful about? That you tolerate his existence for the sake of his dad if he plays by strict rules arbitrarily imposed by adults?

NorthernSpirit Thu 26-Apr-18 20:49:36

@Dergadgeg - are you a SM yourself? The OP didn’t mention the DSS being grateful?!

It’s relentless at times being a parent and 10 x worse being a step parent.

What he said to his dad is appalling. I have DSC and I expect courtesy and manners - just as I give to them and everyone around me. People deserve to be treated with respect.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 26-Apr-18 20:50:59

It is the title of the thread. But she doesn’t go into any detail either.

swingofthings Thu 26-Apr-18 20:54:34

So I made a point, because manners don’t cost a thing. That was hard work. I was called all sorts and he hated me because I pulled him up on his manners
It went wrong right there. Who were you to decide that his manners were poor and that you had to do something about it? Kids don't respond well being picked up on their manners, they do take it personally and feel persecuted. They accept to an extent from their parents, because they love them and know they want the best for them, but someone new in their lives. Why should listen to her rather than their parents? If that was done in a way that this was all you focused on whilst showing little interest in the person he is rather than the person you wished him to be, it might have been ok, but as it, and you've said, it sounds like he's associated you as someone not pleasant and only giving grief. Not So I made a point, because manners don’t cost a thing. That was hard work. I was called all sorts and he hated me because I pulled him up on his manners. to getting to know each other and appreciating each other's company.

ohreallyohreallyoh Thu 26-Apr-18 21:23:56

What exactly is it you expect a 7 year old to be grateful for?

The mother will get him to phone when she knows we are out

How is ‘the mother’ so aware of your comings and goings? Isn’t it more likely that she phones at a time that is convenient to her?

People deserve to be treated with respect

Doesn’t sound like there is much respect from the OP, does it? Surely respect is a two way process and as an adult, you continue use to try hard, regardless, because you are an adult and you made a choice to be in a situation that the child had no choice about whatsoever?

Quartz2208 Thu 26-Apr-18 21:43:58

Yes I think perhaps going in with a point of parenting that is important to you (manners) was not a good way to start

you need to be in agreement with your husband and you are clearly not - that is not the fault of your SS or your husbands ex but the two of you. You clearly have different parenting styles and priorities

SandyY2K Fri 27-Apr-18 00:02:18

What is he ungrateful about?
You met him at 3 years old. Children that age have to be continuously reminded to say please and thank you. That in itself doesn't make them ungrateful.

Maybe he misses his dad and wants to spend more time with him. Hence having a meltdown when he can't.

The getting hit by a bus comment was nasty and he should have been spoken to by his dad.

Don't allow him.to treat your son unfavourably.

DuchyDuke Fri 27-Apr-18 09:53:39

If you are not allowed to parent his son, then she should not be allowed to parent yours. Keep parenting seperate from your relationship. If he fails to stick to it then ensure you do too. Your DH sounds like a grade A idiot to be honest.

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