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Feeling down(6 Posts)
I’ve got 2 Ds and a dss 18 who has lived with us for 2 years. Over the last few months I’ve began to feel resentful of him being here. He’s lovely but the dynamics have changed as he’s become an adult and where as when he was younger I felt comfortable asking him to do things or not as the case maybe it’s almost like I feel like a stranger in my own home as he’s become an adult. It feels almost strange having a ‘man child’ His girlfriend comes over regularly but sometimes I wish they could go to his mums who only lives 15 minutes away. Instead I feel resentful for doing all his washing cooking meals etc when his mum does very little or nothing for him. Just this week started anti depressants as it’s all got a bit over whelming. dH is supportive and obviously wants Ds to be happy as do I. Any advice on dealing with an older step child. I’m happy him being here but finding the balance between letting him do his own thing and letting him get away with doing nothing and me then resenting him for it. He spends 6 nights a week seeing his GF either at her parents or here which includes them eating either here or her mums. Any advice appreciated.
There's only one thing you can do here, tell your DH, how you feel!
OK, you need to temper it a bit, but you have to explain that you think at 18, he is another adult in the house, which you're OK with, but....as an adult he has to pulll his weight along with the two of you.
Is he still in FTE, or is he working, if so, is he paying towards his keep?
Regarding the girlfriend coming around to yours so often, you must feel like your running a hotel, so I think it needs to be explained that you and his DF, sometimes need your time together Alone after the younger ones have gone to bed! Limit the the evenings of the week, his GF can stay, and stick to it!
This won't be easy, so you and DH need to present a united front! You don't need to ball him out, just make it clear, that as adults in the home, the 3 of you are a team, who all need to be clear about responsibilities!
Why can't he operate the washing machine and do his own washing?
He's also old enough to cook a meal for himself and his GF.
It seems you're just generally irritated by his presence though.
Again, it's nothing to do with the ex but your OH. As above, why is he allowing his son to treat the place like hotel and have his meals and washing done, and even if he thinks this is ok, why are you doing it?
My son is only 15 and he does most of his washing and cooking for himself (we don't all eat together except for two days due to diaries).
The fact that he is 18 doesn't mean there can't be rules in the house but if you don't say anything (in a very pleasant no aggressive/defensive way), why would they do things any differently?
Adult or not he is still living in your house so he lives by your rules. They change because his an adult but you having the control doesn't. He should be doing cleaning and washing himself. I understand cooking for him if you are all eating a meal together but if he is eating a different times then he can cook himself.
Discuss with your husband your expectations as a couple for him living with you and then discuss them with your ss.
Anti depressants can make things feel worse before they get better. So be aware it may take time for your body to get used to them. This can make things feel worse and upset you easily, chat with your husband about this so he is aware you may react differently then usually in this adjustment period.
Personally I think that adult DSCs can be the most challenging for SMs, and Step Dads too! I think the dynamics are particularly difficult. The adult step child can often see themselves as their natural parents peer, especially as their parents are separated, I think kids find it easier to still accept rules and respect that it is their parents home first and foremost, if both parents are still together. But separated, it’s like they see the home as theirs with their lone parent as mates.
The step parent then has a big adult, not doing the washing, not contributing, eating all the food, ignoring them content in the knowledge that their natural parent feels so happy that they’ve been ‘chosen’ over the other parent, that they will let them get away with a lot more than if they’d not separated. They are not stupid either, they are bound to choose the house with more freedom!
My DSD went back to her Mums, and looking back I’m so glad that happened. At least that way her slack behaviour is being taken seriously, her Mum tells her to wash her clothes and she will. If I told her all hell would break loose! If kids are not becoming independent then it’s not good for them to treat a house like a hotel, they should still be learning.
I guess it’s helpful to tell your DP how you feel, however I’d be surprised if he turned around and just sorted it. Usually there are too many guilty or conflicted emotions. I would just start putting your foot down about stuff around the house. It’s completely okay to have limits on how much his girlfriend can come around, to not do his washing, to stop him just eating all the food and start paying or contributing. He won’t respect you otherwise and it’s one way of making him see that you are not invisible and you are not just a skivvy maid.