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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

What's the right thing to do?

21 replies

Alt33 · 22/04/2018 02:07

My OH has contact with his children 2.5 weekends a month and during these weekends on a sunday we go to my family home for sunday lunch, games & a general family get together. His 2 children get on brilliant with everyone and I have younger siblings. Everytime the children go home to to their mother my OH has abusive messages stating contact is for him and his family and thats it. Bearing in mind the children see my OH all weekend and his family for the Fri and Sat. My OH argues that they have fun, learn new things and actually have family time as the children say it doesn't happen in their home e.g. sitting around a table for dinners, games etc. He's also told her thay what goes on eithin his contact within reason is none of her concern. Would you agree or do you think we're wrong for allowing them time with my family?

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Swallowfalls · 22/04/2018 02:18

Not at all and if she tried to raise this issue during court proceedings for contact she would be told it's none of her business where your DP takes them during his time with them as long as it's a suitable environment, which it sounds like it definitely is. We've always taken my DSC's to visit my family, fortunately their DM has always just seen it as more people to love them.

CheesusChrist · 22/04/2018 08:19

I think it’s wonderful actually because it’s showing the children they are accepted and part of your family too which is lovely.
It sounds as if the kids enjoy it too and are making new friends so just keep doing what you’re doing.

Ex may be a bit jealous at the thought of her DCs having a whole new other family that she isn’t a part of

Alt33 · 22/04/2018 08:36

Thank you! Defanitly a jealously issue. She hates the fact my OH has moved on yet she has a new partner and another child. She causes havoc when the children take things home too, at Easter they had eggs and little bits from my OHs family that stayed in our home for them and the things off my family we told them to take home with them and she kicked right off. It's awful on the kids as they pick up on her bitterness too

OP posts:

Dancingmonkey87 · 22/04/2018 08:44

I can understand her POV my DS doesn’t enjoy seeing his SM family and doesn’t particularly feel comfortable when he’s there, he feels they are forced on him abit too much. It’s a shame because it’s not as if he seeing his df family ( both ex’s parents are divorced with new partners) who are actually blood related to him who he wants to foster a relationship with. It might that your dp dc are coming back and complaining to their dm. Have you been together long?

NorthernSpirit · 22/04/2018 08:47

The EW is jealous. As another poster said - absolutely nothing to do with her and if this went to court she would be told so by a judge.

I wouldn’t even engage with her (it just fuels her fire). Is contact court ordered? If not you may want to think about going down that route.

I think it’s lovely that your family have welcomed the children in. The mother would be complaining if they hadn’t! Ignore her - silly woman.

NorthernSpirit · 22/04/2018 08:48

@Dancingmonkey87 - you’re projecting. Are you a SM yourself?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 22/04/2018 08:53

I would suggest no dc would engage in a board game unless they actively chose to!! Sounds like lucky dc to have an extended family!! Exw is bitter and jealous. Ignore.

Bosabosa · 22/04/2018 09:03

Sounds like you are doing everything right and it is lovely you and your family invest in these kids. It doesn’t always happen sadly.
Keep doing what you are doing!!

user1493413286 · 22/04/2018 09:12

I think it’s lovely and how is having more adults and children who care about children a bad thing? I’d say your DH should say to her that again that what they do during his contact time is not her concern and tell her he won’t be responding to any further messages about it then ignore them.

Alt33 · 22/04/2018 09:34

Thank you all again, the children come to us for contact and ask when they are going to my family home as they love it. They know part of Sundays are spent there and if not at my family home we all go out together as I have younger silblings too, such as today we're all going to a trampoline park. I just know she'll have something to say when the children go back to her home. There isn't a contact order through court but we have had a solicitor who wrote to my OHs ex stating contact times that both parties agreed on. The children spend time with her new partners family sometimes too but she says they are family as they have another child together and we're nothing. The children haven't had the best start to life with several problems on her side that she blames my OH for too. So the stability they have just from sitting as a family around a table eating a meal is a huge thing to them as they don't get it at home.

OP posts:

Alt33 · 22/04/2018 09:39

We've been in a relationship a year but known each other longer. I met the children after 6-7 months so nothing has been rushed. I've only known them a short time and we all get on brilliant. There's no problems with them feeling uncomfortable as both children and very open and outspoken and wouldn't hesitate to tell my OH.

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Dancingmonkey87 · 22/04/2018 11:14

NorthernSpirit I’m a mom and my dh is a SD, I’m not projecting 😂 I’m giving an opinion from the otherside based on my ds own experiences with the situation, not mine, those are his thoughts and feelings on the matter. I certainly don’t voice them to ex but it maybe something to consider op that the children are telling their dm they are unhappy. I know for you Northern you don’t seem to grasp that maybe dc can be unhappy with situations and voice them to their parents.

Op your relationship is so new, how long before they met you? Do they get one to one time with their df.

Bosabosa · 22/04/2018 11:30

It doesn’t sound like the kids are complaining to their mum as wouldn’t she have said that in her texts?
Sounds like she is unhappy that the OP is becoming part of the kids’ family and that is what is upsetting her (‘you are nothing’).
OP, sounds like the kids are having fun. And I would continue to take your cue from them.

Magda72 · 22/04/2018 11:33

What ages are the dcs op?
It does sound like they're having a ball with your family but as @Dancingmonkey87 says there is the other side to it which would be worth investigating. My dcs also would spend time with their sms family & not love it. This was in the early days - they really felt it encroached on their time with their dad. They're older now & a lot of time has passed & have settled into everything and are fine. However this was something they never felt they could discuss with their dad who was in the bliss of his new relationship, so I was hearing it & was left trying to talk to my ex about it who just did not want to listen. It's true that your sdcs could be giving their dm a different version of events.
Also, it is early days in your relationship & maybe she's worried that if you & dp don't last the distance the kids will get hurt if they've formed a bond with a whole new family.
I don't mean to trivialize your relationship but a year for you guys & 6/7 months in the company of his kids isn't a huge length of time.

Alt33 · 22/04/2018 19:32

My OHs children are going on 6 & 7. I know 6/7 months isn't long myself and me and my OH have discussed this. They do spend time alone with my OH too but when they are alone they sometimes nag to see me and come to our home if he's out and I'm there. The children also tell me and my OH that we're going to my family home on sundays and my DSS was disappointed today because we didn't go there and took them to a trampoline park instead🙈 I think it all comes down to jealousy as well. My OHs ex has had her sister message me telling I'm not the childrens mother when I have never claimed to be or attempted to be. I'm just my OHs partner and I don't want more than that. Just hope things improve in terms of my OHs ex. It's bloody stressful.

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Bananasinpyjamas11 · 22/04/2018 23:18

Thank goodness their mothers resentment hasn’t seeped into her kids enjoyment of the family visits. That’s what could really have rocked the boat.

My DS spends most of the weekends he’s with his Dad with his girlfriends family. I do think it’s a bit OTT as they rarely get time one to one. However I’d never, ever bring this up, never make my DS feel bad. It’s his Dads life now, so I let them be.

Alt33 · 22/04/2018 23:36

The children do spend time alone with my OH, they see his family, we all do something or we spend time with my family. The children often ask to live with us too so I don't think any of it is from them just their mother.

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Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/04/2018 00:01

It’s so hard making step families work, yet there you are OP, a happy example! Good for you all.

Please try to distance yourself from these communications. My Ex sometimes sent these and it really does help to absolutely not engage. You can often get the phone to silence one persons texts etc. Can you get your DP to not respond?

It takes a bit of strength at first but honestly, what can she do? Nothing. He is not her husband or her friend. He does not have to appease her or reply. In fact it just feeds into her vitriol. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Protect your relationship. The kids are thriving and they are your guide, not EW.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 07:48

My OHs ex has had her sister message me telling I'm not the childrens mother

Why does the Ex have your number? Block the lot of them. She has no business sending you such a message.

I think it's jealousy. However going to your family house every Sunday they're there sounds like a lot when you're just a GF.

I know kids enjoy the company of other kids, so no doubt it's fun for them

As a pp said there may be concern about the longevity of your relationship.

Springnowplease · 23/04/2018 08:12

You are doing everything right, OP. The Ex sound awful. The DCs will see her for what she is soon enough.

Alt33 · 23/04/2018 08:20

We're at the stage of everything is ignored unless necessary to talk. She doesn't have my number she had her sister message me via FB messenger they have all since been blocked. My OH moved to the area to be with his EX and left everything behind so other than 3 family members that followed a few years later they have no one else so he's been quite lonely and isolated for years. I think that has a massive role in why he loves them spending time around my family too. My OHs also an only child and I'm one of 5 so you can imagine how busy my family home can get and they all love it. Thank you all for your help 😊

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