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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

What's the deal with this?

19 replies

reddie9 · 20/04/2018 08:05

So dh has been wanting to take dss to start rugby lessons.

Dss must of mentioned this to his mum as last night it was brought up during a FaceTime.

The ex then messaged dh to say she had found some lessons on a Sunday, very close to her house. She would also like to be a part of the lessons even though we would be paying for it.

Dh replied no for the below reasons:

Dss lives 40 mins away. These lessons are too far from us. Too much travelling for dss basically.

Dh also has a dd who comes to us every Sunday and these lessons would not fit in around her pick up time - ex knows this

He wants father/son time with dss. He doesn't want her there. This is his thing to do with him. (He didn't reply quite like that but that's basically what he wants).

She replied and then totally changed her mind. Her excuse was she doesn't want him to do rugby incase he gets hurt lol. And he turns into a 'mean and nasty' child - her words.

So what's the deal with this? She was happy for him to start lessons as long as she could go too. Now that dh has said no (which I'm glad he did) she's in total disagreement with it.

We are down on the waiting list for dss to start and he will be going to a club that's close to us so her reply has not made the slightest bit of difference to dh.

I just don't get it. These lessons are expensive and it won't surprise me if dss misses the lessons because of her. He comes to us one weekend fri - sun and then alternate just Sunday's. The days he comes to us just Sunday's, she drops him off. She will have to drop him for 9.30 so dh gets to the lessons on time. I really can imagine her being late on purpose so dss misses the lesson.

Dh asked if he could start having dss every Saturday night to make it easier but ex said no. Even though she works Saturday nights and leaves dss with a baby sitter.

Just frustrated. My dcs don't have much of a relationship it's their dad. Then there's my dh who is trying to do everything he can for dss and she just makes it difficult.

She was fine and all excited for him to go until she was told he wasn't doing lessons near her house. I really do think it's all because she knew it would spoil the routine he has with his dd. She's always had a problem that dh has another child.

OP posts:

Report

Magda72 · 20/04/2018 09:30

If your dh has dss every Sunday then the lessons are none of her business as they're on his time.
Is there anyway he could collect dss in Sunday's to avoid dss being late?

reddie9 · 20/04/2018 11:36

@Magda72 thank you! I just wanted someone else to say this. He's with us every Sunday no matter which weekend it is.

Nope, it used to be dh picking him up but unfortunately she's just changed it a couple of months ago and now she will only drop him off. Maybe dh needs to put his foot down and change it back but he seems to think he doesn't have any right too

OP posts:

CheesusChrist · 20/04/2018 12:45

It’s nothing to do with her if the lessons are always going to be during your DP’s contact time.

reddie9 · 20/04/2018 13:14

Exactly, just frustrating she was all for it if she could go. The minute she's told she can't, it's a different story. She was like 'oh actually I'm really scared of him going, he might get hurt, I'd rather you didn't take him'. She's still very insistent she knows exactly which club it is before dh books it so she can make a decision

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 20/04/2018 13:19

Make sure you inform the club that he will be only there alternate weeks if that's how it will be. My ds was never penalised for eow football games. Some teams only pick the players who commit 100% - which is unfair on some dc.

reddie9 · 20/04/2018 13:26

@Aprilmightbemynewname thank you, he's only 4 though. It won't be anything serious like weekly matches, being in a league etc etc
Basically the class is just learning how to catch a rugby ball and it's a massive deal as it could turn him mean and nasty ...

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 20/04/2018 13:28

Absolutely nothing to do with the mother, what the dad does on his time is his business. Do you have a court order? If not get one and she can’t mess around and be late.

My OH had a similar thing. We live 12 miles apart but with traffic it takes 60 / 75 mins between homes. Mum tried to dictate what dad could and couldn’t do on his time. She was told by a judge it has nothing to do with her.

The mother has gone ahead and booked clubs for the children every weekend which impacts our time - on a Friday when my OH picks them up one has a club (meaning they don’t get back to ours until 8pm). Then on a Saturday it’s a 2 hour round trip because the other has a club and then on a Sunday the same again. I’m all for the kids having clubs but it should be agreed between parents if it’s on your time.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 20/04/2018 15:40

I agree with above, what Dad does on his own time with his son is separate, otherwise it’s like still pretending they are husband and wife! It’s a way of still being attached and in control by EW, she has to let that go.

Although rugby is pretty tough when older! Fine for his age though.

My DPs EW booked activities for her kids which then we had to pay for and take kids to every weekend! The cheek. Kids hated going. We hated going.

Candlelights · 20/04/2018 16:50

Why not let her drop DSS direct at the rugby on the weeks when she normally drops him at yours on a Sunday? That will help her to feel reassured that he's well looked after. Your DH gets extra time with his DD and he can still pick DSS up from the rugby, getting there a bit early to see him play if he wants.

I don't think it's that odd to be nervous of your child playing rugby tbh. I've heard some horror stories of injuries, and personally knew two boys when I was younger who were both damaged for life by rugby.

But I wouldn't bother having an argument about the rugby yet if he's still on the waiting list. Might as well wait til he gets a place

reddie9 · 20/04/2018 16:54

It would be a further 15 min journey for her so no chance she would do that. And this is for dh to take him, it's father/son time. The lesson finishes at the time he needs to pick up dd so it all works.

Like I say, he's only 4 so it's not like he's going to be doing anything that's really going to hurt him. As far as I know, they don't even play. It's just about catching the ball/team work etc.

I'm just glad dh hasn't backed down to her tbh. Probably the first time he hasn't.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 20/04/2018 18:01

I can sympathise with both sides. With your oh, because clearly he wouldn't want to travel the 40mns to take his son. However, I do understand his mum. Supporting your children through activities is a key time to bond (the reason why your oh wants to do it). It sounds like your ss spends most of the week-end at his dad, which would have meant most of the week with his mum, but if he's started school or will do in September, it will leave her little quality time with her ds as we know how tired they get after school. She can't sign him up to an activity on Saturday since he is with his dad half of the time (in addition to the fact that two activities over the week-end is quite a bit much for a 4 yo).

So although your dh isn't in the wrong he could show more sympathy for to the fact that he will get to do all the fun things with his son, whilst his ex gets to do all the not so much fun, ie, getting him up and ready for school, homework etc...

Cakefortea1 · 20/04/2018 18:08

My BF runs a kids rugby class for that age, it is likely similar and non contact, I’ve been to many classes and never seen a child hurt. They may fall over running around but no different to running anywhere. Shevis being daft. It’s great so socialising, motor skills and definitely great for father & son time 😊

Cakefortea1 · 20/04/2018 18:10

and you are right it’s not playing actual rugby. It’s games that teach them hand & foot skills. Loads of fun.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 14:49

although your dh isn't in the wrong he could show more sympathy for to the fact that he will get to do all the fun things with his son,

She can organise an activity on her time. No need to gatecrash on this activity and I wouldn't tell her which club it is either. Because you know what? She'll just turn up there during lessons and nobody can tell her to leave.

Alternatively...she'll sabotage it by dropping him off late.

reddie9 · 23/04/2018 15:58

@SandyY2K oh I totally agree. Its dhs time and that's that. A big part of me if wondering wether booking the lessons is worth it as she already will no longer let dh pick him up on a Sunday (this has been going on for the last 2 months which wasn't really an issue at the time) and she also won't let dh have him every Saturday night which I have to say is frustrating as she works Saturday night and ds is left with a babysitter anyway. Surely it would save her some money and also give her every Sunday as a lie in. She isn't missing any time as she works anyway. So I do feel she would purposely be late for the lessons.

I don't know, ill just let dh deal with it. However I am glad he said no to the lessons which are near her house. It's the first time he's ever said no to something she's suggested.

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Dancingmonkey87 · 23/04/2018 21:29

I don’t see an issue with her being there although a comprise maybe in order. I agree with swing as parents it’s good to show a united front and support our children doing activities. My DS currently does kick boxing and we alternate when we take him and alternate the payments. It’s good to demonstrate to ds that we are able to co-parent effectly which we do.

BasilFaulty · 07/05/2018 20:29

Aside from everything else PP's have said about it being his weekend and none of her bloody business, surely having them both there will confuse him? He's still very young and to have both parents suddenly together again could be very unnerving for him

reddie9 · 08/05/2018 09:43

@BasilFaulty it's just a control thing, I also agree. Dh and the ex split up when he was a tiny baby, he's never known them together really. We are still on the waiting list of the rugby anyway and I doubt he will get a place anytime soon so we will just have to wait and see what happens when he does. We haven't paid anything yet.

I really do think it would still be good for him though. Funny this thread has been commented on as I've been thinking about it all weekend.

We've had lots of fun and games in the lovely weather we've been having. Water ballon fights, football, hide and seek, went to the beach etc etc.... but literally every activity we did, dss was in tears or kicking off at the end. Because he didn't win or because the other dcs weren't listening too him and following what he wanted to do. He would happily throw water balloons at the others but if he got a tiny trickle of water on him....he would scream at everyone and try and hit whoever was in his way.

My dd had had enough of him by the end I'm sad to say and I can't say I blame her. At the park, she loves all the big slides and stuff but he doesn't. He whacked her on the back because she went down the big slide and he didn't want her too.

So it's been a tricky weekend in all fairness. I think he needs something to go off and do with his dad (and just his dad) at weekends which might help him control whatever he's feeling (jealousy) when he's with us.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 08/05/2018 10:57

@reddie9 I think that's very insightful of you. Rugby will also be great in teaching dss about teamwork & sharing & having his dad there will be super for him.

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