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Will they ever accept me?

(373 Posts)
niteandfog Thu 19-Apr-18 23:02:44

My boyfriend and I got together via an affair (were not proud of it) but well what's done is done. His children know how we got together and the DS absolutely hates me his DD seems ok/ambivalent about the whole thing. I've told him at last his DS will never ever accept me and that we can kiss the "blended family" dream good bye... I just would to here any stories where the kids actually ended up accepting the ex AP as an actual step parent.

Bellabutterfly2016 Thu 19-Apr-18 23:15:51

Hey,
I'm 38, my partner is 48 and his kids from first marriage are 28 (daughter 2 kids of her own), Son 22, younger daughter 19.

My partner had been divorced from their Mum 10 years when we got together, ex wife re-married had another baby.

They just got together very young and things didn't work out - no affairs all quite mutual being ok for birthdays together etc etc

My partner had afew girlfriends after the first wife before me but the kids didn't really get to know them then we get together and they hate me! It's like I'm stealing their Dad and it's taken 8 years to try to build a relationship with them.

Things got a bit better then.......
My oldest step-daughter then announced her 2nd pregnancy at a meal one night and my partner (without thinking it would steal her thunder) said "we're pregnant too"!! She didn't speak to us for a month then text her Dad saying can't believe Bella is pregnant you guys are way too old! I was 35!!!!

I think you just have to give things time, in my case a lot of time. It is very hard but hang in there x

AuntLydia Thu 19-Apr-18 23:30:51

I remember you. You were posting a couple of months ago when it was still an affair. So within a short few months you expect these kids to wrap their heads round their parents separation and welcome a new blended family? Insane and selfish. Take a massive step backwards. Let them come to terms with what's happened first and grieve for the family they thought they had. Once that process has fully taken place you can enter the picture. Poor bloody kids. Put them first and you may have half a chance at having a decent relationship with them once the dust settles.

niteandfog Thu 19-Apr-18 23:35:08

aunt I actually didn't want/expect to be part of the picture at all. But because they have been made aware of it all is that it might happen sooner rather than later. My DD knows about him (not about the affair) she's actually met him! And would like to "hang out" more with him...

Sammy901 Fri 20-Apr-18 00:01:59

I have an adult friend who’s father cheated on his month when he was younger.

He still hasn’t forgiven his dad and now doesn’t bother with him.

Sammy901 Fri 20-Apr-18 00:02:38

And no he certainly did not accept the tramp his dad was shagging on the side.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 20-Apr-18 00:09:41

ive told him at last hang on haven’t they only known a couple of months?!

You have most likely caused pain and upset for the person they love most in the world and you have (in their eyes) taken away the other person they love most. I can’t imagine how much they’ve been through because of your and their dad’s pathetic behaviour. If their mum is emotionally damaged by it no wonder they will hate you.

‘Blended family dream’ - it’s not their dream, it’s their nightmare. Grow up.

SD1978 Fri 20-Apr-18 00:13:32

Is this OP with the girls at the same school and in the same class? You (both) destroyed their family and a few short months later reckon they should be over it? You are utterly, beyond unreasonable.

Slievenamon Fri 20-Apr-18 00:16:27

Didn't he leave like a week ago? hmm

callkiki Fri 20-Apr-18 00:22:00

My stepdaughters found about their father's affair with a married woman with 2 dd of her own. At this point, all four of the daughters on both sides have stopped talking to the cheating parents.

For 2 years now he has tried to force his adult children to accept his new girlfriend and forbidden them from talking to me at 28 and 21 years of age....

Youngest daughter completely blanks him and hasn't spoken to him in 2 years. Oldest daughter was so ashamed of him that at 27 years of age, changed her last name to her mother's maiden name as she says he is dead to her.

If he hadn't gone above and beyond to force this new blended happy family I am sure the girls would have in time accepted her as they did me.

The first time the oldest stepdaughter met me even though her parents had been divorced for years before I met him was off to a bad start. I said hello and she said "Fuck off" smile

Today we are even closer now than ever and I still do not say a bad word about her father and talk to her about in the future having a relationship with them. She says never as they both cheated on their spouses and wants nothing to do with people who go through life hurting those they supposedly love.

I'm biased of course but these kids need time to process all the life changes and no matter how old they are or how much you push or try to force things you will only push them further away.

I won my stepdaughters over in time by never commenting anything against their mother, being open to listening and never trying to replace their mother. I always encouraged their father to take them out without me and ignored any teenage rude comments directed my way. In time they came to trust me and ask me for advice knowing that I always encouraged them to talk to their parents when they had problems and offer to be there if they needed any support or help.

So you see, if you pick a battle now trying to force things, you can find you have started a life long time war of us against them.

Try to see things from their point of view and how they are feeling instead of how you and your new partner expect them to react and behave.

RBBMummy Fri 20-Apr-18 00:42:39

No

niteandfog Fri 20-Apr-18 03:42:30

No, the girls are not in the same class. But they do know each other and are actually friendly between them but his DD is too small to figure out anything. In the end he moved out exactly 2 weeks after I did. There was a short period (I think about 2-3 weeks) where nobody on his side knew a thing. But about 7 weeks ago the truth came out and his DS decided that he was almost dead for him. I don't think the children needed to know the whole truth. My daughter doesn't know a thing and she has adjusted to the whole thing pretty well.

callkiki Fri 20-Apr-18 04:25:34

I am stunned that you have already written off your fairy tale dream of a happily every after with the kids after 7 whole weeks and your unrealistic expectations of his son's accepting of person who in his eyes ruined his family. Your expectations for his accepting you are beyond my comprehension.

You may not think the children need to know the whole truth because it's not pretty, but it may not be now, but the truth will come out some day and no matter how you try to pretty it up now and chase your dreams, I'm shocked that you have no idea the impact of what your and your partner's decisions have done to the children involved.

After reading your last post it seems like you want a pat on the back for the 2 girls who are too young and don't know the truth have adjusted and some support for having your fairy tale ruined by this child who isn't getting with the program as fast as you think he should.

Personally, I might have given him at least 2 months to recover from having his life turned upside down and thanking you for having waited all those week for him to realize that of course your visions of the perfect family is better for him instead of the family he had.

niteandfog Fri 20-Apr-18 04:39:43

From the moment his DS knew the truth I knew he would absolutely never accept me. My boyfriend has always been in this crazy place where he thought that he'd eventually come around to the idea. His main reason is that he was very depressed before and he isn't anymore and his son would see he's happier. My DD doesn't know a thing not because she's too small to understand but because my exH and I have always had a units front that my bad decisions should not affect the image she has of her mother.

Graphista Fri 20-Apr-18 05:15:31

Completely fucking lacking ANY self awareness or consideration for ANYONE else inc your own dd!!

"My daughter doesn't know a thing and she has adjusted to the whole thing pretty well." Well duh! If she doesn't know she's not in the same position as the rest of them is she? And if they're friendly you'd better get your arse in gear and tell her before someone else does! Want her not to think bad of her mother - don't treat people badly.

7 fucking weeks have some bloody sense!! Are you already living with him? If so that's BEYOND crass.

Your boyfriend sounds as bad as you? His son should be happy because he is? Pair of narcs that suit each other by sound of things.

If you are living together that needs serious reconsideration, if you're not, leave his kids alone and let him do what he should be doing and focus on repairing his relationship with them without you as even a factor for at least 6 months.

You're both expecting very hurt, confused CHILDREN to play along with your immature affair fantasy. Stop that and take some responsibility for the results of your choices.

niteandfog Fri 20-Apr-18 05:40:17

No, we don't live together properly, although he does stay over and to some extent live together half of the time. I offered him to focus on his relationship with his kids but he refused. He said they'll be his children and for the same reason, they'll always be there. But I could easily go away and he doesn't want to miss the chance of trying things out with someone who can genuinely make him happy.

I've been portrayed as a homewrecker (which I probably deserve - public shamming and attacks probably not so much) so I get it. To him and his mum I destroyed their family. I don't think it's that simple but I completely understand. I personally don't think his DS will ever forgive him

NathusiusPip Fri 20-Apr-18 05:41:43

Ah, you again. You're either a glutton for punishment, nite, or you have a weird trolly fetish for being abused by mumsnetters. grin

Oswin Fri 20-Apr-18 05:46:59

Oh they will always be there will they? Just waiting for him to stop being a cunt.

Mrsfluff Fri 20-Apr-18 05:48:36

My Dad is 17 and still refuses to meet her Dad's girlfriend. We split up 2 years ago, but he had been cheating for months. There are a few other issues at play, like a big age gap, but my DD refuses to meet her. Tbh, at this point, I don't see that changing. Me ex was selfish, like your boyfriend is, and though everyone should just accept the situation, as he was happy. This attitude has Don untold damage to his relationship with my daughter. You are both in for a very rocky road and he risks losing his children.

niteandfog Fri 20-Apr-18 05:48:52

No Pip I simply have nobody to talk to IRL. My sister yesterday (after being extremely supportive the whole time) told me that this is what I get for getting involved with a married man.

flaggerblasted Fri 20-Apr-18 05:49:22

My DH's Dad had an affair and left the family for his OW when DH was 13. There was lots of strained contact in his teenage years, but my DH has never really got over it and he is now nearly 50. DH has suffered depression on and off, partly down to this issue. Do not underestimate the long term impact this could have.

Prestonsflowers Fri 20-Apr-18 06:00:37

I read, but didn’t comment on your other threads.
I’m really not surprised that you have no one in RL to talk to, I can’t believe that you are so self centred.
They are children ffs.
As my Granny would say “you’ve made your bed, now you’ve got to lie in it”

Pleasebeafleabite Fri 20-Apr-18 06:06:08

Things get too unrewarding on the relationships board nite?

Graphista Fri 20-Apr-18 06:07:23

Another that's not surprised you have nobody to talk to. You don't care about other people.

As for "they'll always be there" definitely not! He can to some degree enforce contact while they're under 18 And even that's not guaranteed. At a certain point even a judge will consider they're old enough to decide if they bother with their selfish cunt of a father or not.

And only a selfish cunt of a father would prioritise his ow over his children - especially at a time when they're under considerable stress due to HIS actions.

Like I said - you deserve each other.

The children in this mess all deserve far better though.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Fri 20-Apr-18 06:08:32

So let me get this straight - you and your boyfriend had an affair, destroyed the families of these children mere weeks ago and you’re now moaning about them not yet accepting you? Give me strength.

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