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Do you have your step child(ren) if the dad can’t?

(72 Posts)
Sammy901 Tue 17-Apr-18 18:10:08

Just wondered if other step mums had there step children if there partner was unable to on an occasion ?

They has the set up that if he can’t have his step daughter for a weekend due to whatever reason then they normally swap weekends around. The same with the ex if she wants to change then it’s normally swapped. She doesn’t like us using baby sitters that you pay and SD will not stay overnight with grandparents/friends.

Eow contact. Iv been in the picture 10 years and his daughter is just under 10. I’m not the OW but we met while they had separated but we’re both single.

There is a weekend coming up in a few months time when my partner will be away that falls on his weekend, unfortunately we cannot have her the weekend before as there are already plans in place that also can’t be changed.

He’s asked me if il have his daughter on my own (with our 2 children) for the weekend so pick up and drop back as normal. Iv done it before but to be honest I find it draining when she’s over, she constantly follows me around and I’m not exaggerating, I can go upstairs to the toilet and be gone for 2 mins and she’s walking up the stairs asking when I’m doing. She constantly asks what are we doing later about once an hour if I say I don’t know. She always wants to have company so if she’s playing on the PS4 you have to watch her play, wants to play board games. Etc. My children are not like this they can entertain themselves. Sometimes I just have housework to do and don’t want to sit down and watch her play fortnite blush

We also have 2 kids of our own.

Just wondered if other step mums have the step kids on there own or not?

OP’s posts: |
MeridianB Tue 17-Apr-18 18:21:21

I have done it occasionally but have asked DH to explain why to DSD, so she understands.

Aprilmightbemynewname Tue 17-Apr-18 18:23:57

Occasionally it's fine.
Being used for free childcare definitely not.

DuchyDuke Tue 17-Apr-18 18:26:11

Why can’t the plans the previous weekend not be changed? What is more important to your DH than his daughter? I think he needs to get his act together to be honest; overnight access arrangements are for kids to see their parents.

NorthernSpirit Tue 17-Apr-18 18:34:38

Contact is for children to see their dad. But.... you have children together so why wouldn’t the DSD spend time with her brothers/sisters?

I have 2 DSC but we have no kids of our own. If my OH wasn’t here we wouldn’t have them over. The time is for the kids to spend with their dad (not me).

jkl0311 Tue 17-Apr-18 18:48:12

Bit of a storm in a tea cup, have you thought of just having her and putting plans in place that she's not bored? How old are your 2 kids?!

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 17-Apr-18 18:53:41

What would be the point of her coming? Is it to give her mum a break? So she can see you and her step/half siblings? If it’s just so contact remains in place but she won’t actually see her dad then I’m not sure what the point is. Has he explained?

I haven’t had mine for a weekend as we have them nearly every weekend and they come to stuff with us or we don’t do it. I’ve had them overnight and for a day but that’s with them seeing DH at some point during contact. I’m not a babysitter. I love them to bits and enjoy seeing them but if DH wasn’t going to be around they’d probably be better off at their mums. Not saying never but it hasn’t happened and I doubt it would.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 17-Apr-18 18:55:28

It’s not OPs job jkl0311. If their dad isn’t around the should be with their mum.

And she hasn’t said she’s banning them from her home, she’s wondering what the point is when contact is for them to see their dad.

Youaremysunshine2017 Tue 17-Apr-18 18:59:15

I often have a SS when DH is unable to. I usually take some annual leave through the school holidays to have him too. Been in his life for 4 years.

Ariela Tue 17-Apr-18 19:00:15

How about encouraging her to help with the chores & cooking? (I presume your kids do it too, so why not?)

lunar1 Tue 17-Apr-18 19:03:33

You don't have to have her, but your husband has to make suitable arrangements for his child otherwise he's going to have to give up one of his weekends if her mum can't.

It's not just acceptable to say to his ex he can't have her and he's not arranging anything for her. She may have plans of her own.

JD360 Tue 17-Apr-18 19:07:42

All the time if my husband is working away or if he goes out (rare) he does the same I'm not home this weekend and he is having my 2 and his child not an issue. I think that if you are in a relationship with someone you should treat the child as your own. You have been there since birth. I couldn't imagine it being any different.

LucyMorningStar Tue 17-Apr-18 19:20:29

Ahhh if I charged for all the free childcare I provided for my DSS over the years I'd be minted by now 😁

I saw him more than his mum and dad put together. I wasn't overly thrilled but they never asked me, just assumed it would be fine.

BlameItOnTheBoomBoom Tue 17-Apr-18 19:37:50

She's known you her whole life, you're a second mum to her. I don't understand why there's an issue - do you not like her? I have my step-children on my own over half terms, weeks in Summer and the occasional weekend. Their younger half brothers love them and we're a family.... don't get me wrong, it IS hard work (and sometimes I'd really rather not) but it's the right thing to do.

user1493413286 Tue 17-Apr-18 20:50:48

I often do while DH is at work as he has to work some Saturdays and I get more leave so can have her in the holidays for a couple of extra days.
I’ve never had her overnight by myself; if DH has social plans or is away we would normally swap the weekends but that’s more about him not missing out on time with DSD.
Since having my DD I do find it much more tiring though. It sounds like your issues go beyond just the weekend he’s asking about though. Could you work on that behaviour in the mean time; if my DSD continually asks the same question like that I’ll tell her nicely that she knows the answer or that I’ve alreasy answered it. Or ask her not to keep following you and tell her to do and do something specific. My DSD is often like that if bored so I’ll try to set her up with a specific activity or sit down to give her some time then tell her she needs to play without me after.

Wdigin2this Tue 17-Apr-18 21:44:20

I never did, and I never would!

Dancingmonkey87 Tue 17-Apr-18 21:58:19

I find it odd tbh you been in most her life and have dc who are her siblings. My dh wouldn’t even think twice about having ds if I’ve been at work as ds is just one of the kids in our family unit. Just as ds sm has collected ds and had when ex has been at work, he is also part of his family. Do you not see her as part of the family? I think he’s taking the Micky if he’s not prepared to swap the days and isn’t been flexible.

Keepingupwiththejonesys Tue 17-Apr-18 22:16:37

I used to and genuinely didn't mind. Then it just became expected and I felt like DSS mum was taking the piss. We used to have (hes much older now and decides when he fancies coming) him every weekend but one in each month. His mum asked me a couple of times to have him in the week when she was working (and dh was) in the holidays. I didn't mind. But then she was asking all the time and I just said no, I wasn't doing it. Me and dh sacrifice a lot so I can be a sahm to our children, I started to resent that she was using me as free childcare so she could go and work just because I'm a sahm. I'm a sahm so I can do a lot with my much younger children.... That and the fact that childcare costs are so high. Not so I can give out free childcare.

Also, its nothing to do with the mum if you use paid childcare. What DSD dad does whilst she's in his care (within limits) is his choice.

ohreallyohreallyoh Tue 17-Apr-18 22:17:06

If their dad isn’t around the should be with their mum

Why is it mum’s responsibility to pick up her ex’s parenting slack? Why is that she has to be available 24/7, 365 days a year in case her ex can’t have the children but he can change contact to suit him?

Keepingupwiththejonesys Tue 17-Apr-18 22:19:30

I just want to add though....because its your dhs week he should be sorting this out and yeah, I would and did always have DSS if it was 'our days' and dh was at work or whatever. Its not fair to leave the mum to sort it out.

Keepingupwiththejonesys Tue 17-Apr-18 22:20:31

Xpost then with oh really.

privateporcupine Tue 17-Apr-18 22:22:17

I do find it a bit odd that after 10 years in her life, you wouldn’t do this occasionally. That’s not meant to sound like a criticism, and I’m not an SM, so maybe not qualified to comment. It’s just made me realise how different some set ups are.

My ex had to work abroad for two weeks recently and his wife was more than happy to have DS the 5 nights he would have been there. She didn’t, which was my choice. But there was one night I asked if she possibly could, and she said absolutely, she was missing him. But maybe that’s the difference, the frequency of contact.

Having said that, I absolutely agree contact is for parent/DC. I done my nut a few times when it seemed ex was getting into a habit of leaving him with then fiancée to go out or take extra shifts without asking me if I could keep him or swap, because in those circumstances I felt he was just ditching DS and ensured he kept his normal “free” nights just as that.

Trialsmum Tue 17-Apr-18 22:29:08

I did but it wasn’t appreciated by dh, SS’s mum or SS tbh. And the more I did, the more was extorted of me.
But as a one off, I don’t think it’s a big ask really and your SD obviously likes you, that’s why she’s following you/ wanting attention.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Tue 17-Apr-18 22:29:12

Can't he have her the weekend after? If you do have her alone it sounds strange but could she invite a friend over to play with? She will be more interested in the friend than following you around. Mine are easier if they each have a friend over.

Trialsmum Tue 17-Apr-18 22:29:36

*expexted not extorted 🤨

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