Husband’s ex seems to go out of her way to make EVERYTHING difficult

(205 Posts)
MismatchedStripySocks Mon 16-Apr-18 11:11:24

I mean everything. It’s so frustrating and wearing when all we want is to enjoy time with his kids but simple requests are met with a flat out NO!

Take for example DH offering to pay for DSS haircuts. This is after her continually sending him to us looking like he’s wearing a toupee with one side shaved at least 1.5 inches higher than the other at the sides. We have gone ahead and taken him to the barbers twice for a tidy up only to be met with abuse. If she’s cutting it herself for financial reasons, we are paying so what’s the problem?

We are taking the kids on holiday this summer but the holiday is on a Tuesday. Our weekend is the previous weekend. When we asked if we could just keep them til the Tuesday, we were told firmly they had to come home (230 round trip) They have no plans and will be sat at home yet it will cost us about £60 in fuel.

The woman is a nightmare and drives me nuts angry

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StarsAndStripes111 Mon 16-Apr-18 20:01:52

I completely feel your pain, I too am in a situation where the ex wants to make things difficult for the sake of it... it's almost like a game... (still at least you're allowed to take your stepchildren on holiday, we aren't allowed to take ours away because she says they would miss her too much hmm)

I don't have any answers unfortunately but just wanted you to know that you're not alone! I understand how difficult it makes an already difficult situation, especially when you're trying your best...

NorthernSpirit Mon 16-Apr-18 22:03:45

Yep, same here. OH’s EW is extremely difficult and vitriolic. Difficult over everything.

My OH has a court order which takes her power away. We stick rigidly to the contact order (she won’t flex at all so there’s no point in asking). What we do on our time has nothing to do with her (and vice versa). My OH only communicates via email with her via email in a formal and business like manner (if she can’t communicate in a decent and polite manner then vitriolic messages aren’t responding to).

These people never change so you need coping strategies.

StarsAndStripes111 Mon 16-Apr-18 22:37:41

@NorthernSpirit Can I ask you if it was a problem getting your partners EXW to agree to low contact? Mine doesn't have a court order but he's trying at the moment to put boundaries in to place only to be met with "no I'm not doing that" She says it's her right to know what's happening when SS is here, and also to text DH about arrangements because it's easier than email. Having a hard time enforcing minimal contact envy

laloup1 Tue 17-Apr-18 06:40:30

A court order will give the non-resident parent rights, though you have to accept the loss of all flexibility. On the upside you no longer have your life ruled by someone else! There’s no way i would still have my sanity if my partner hadn’t got one.
Ref your haircuts example - I would say you have to pick your battles. I know this is just the example you gave, but in the big scheme of things, crappy hair cuts are a minor detail that can be let go.
This situation could go on for years/forever so, rather than try to change her behaviour, as Northern said above, you need coping strategies. For me, I avoid all contact where possible. My partner doesn’t reply to any of her comms unless necessary (99% of comms are abusive / insulting / Irrelevant.)
He always asks to talk/meet/go to mediation - even though her behaviour is off the scale, he wants to find a way to co-parent and remains open to a change of tone. I find it easier to cope if I know everything that’s going on but I know some people prefer to keep a distance.
But really I can’t emphasise the value of a court order. For me, it felt like getting my freedom to plan my life back.

NorthernSpirit Tue 17-Apr-18 08:41:14

@StarsAndStripes11 - my OH fell out of love and left and she told him if he left he wouldn’t see the children again. For 2 years she used the kids as weapons and she almost broke him. All he wanted to do was to see his children. The breaking point for him was when she wouldn’t let him speak to his then 8 year old daughter on her birthday (let alone see her). And before anyone asks no, I wasn’t the OH.

Pre - court order she wouldn’t agree contact or was difficult. For example she would agree to it, he’d turn up to collect and she and the children wouldn’t be there. He got sick of the games.

You can’t reason with these bitter difficult woman and they don’t care about boundaries. My OH wishes he had got a contact order sooner as it puts a stop to her messing around. It takes her power away. Yes, it takes any flexibility away but you know where you stand.

My OH regulary gets emails reminding him that it was him who went down the court route and what a terrible person he is for doing that. She forgets or doesn’t care how painful it is not to be ‘allowed’ to see your own children for 6 weeks.

The EW has no ‘right’ what so ever to know what’s going on on your contact time. Just like your OH has no ‘right’ to know what goes on in her time. Utter rubbish.

It’s written into my OH’s contact order that his EW is to email only and give a response within 4 days. she would regulary send pages of vitriolic text rants which you couldn’t make out.

I should add that my OH has been split up almost 6 years and divorced for almost 5. It never gets better with these people. In my opinion they are so emotionally damaged they can’t move on. I also think in our particular case she hates the EX more than she loves her own children (although she regularly tells my OH what a shit dad he is). That would be the shit dad who pays way over the CMS maintenance payment and has never missed and fought for 2 years to see his kids. He’s also had her back in court 3 times for breaching the order (the last time a judge warned her that he would take the children off her and they would live with the dad if she continued).

My recommendation would be to get a contact order. It does take their power away. I always wounder if the shoe was on the other foot how would they like it if they were ‘told’ and ‘dictated to’ when they could see their own children?

NorthernSpirit Tue 17-Apr-18 08:43:25

And totally agree with what @laloup1 says - it’s the same for us. We do exactly the same. It’s the only way we retain our sanity!


laloup1 Tue 17-Apr-18 12:37:05

Northern I feel like we have our partners’ children might have the same mother!

laloup1 Tue 17-Apr-18 12:37:42

Once more making a bit more sense ...

Northern I feel like our partners’ children might have the same mother!

Zampa Tue 17-Apr-18 12:42:46

We are taking the kids on holiday this summer but the holiday is on a Tuesday. Our weekend is the previous weekend. When we asked if we could just keep them til the Tuesday, we were told firmly they had to come home (230 round trip) They have no plans and will be sat at home yet it will cost us about £60 in fuel

Personally, I'd just keep them. However, it's an inflammatory course of action and you would have to be prepared for it to blow up.

NorthernSpirit Tue 17-Apr-18 12:43:04

@laloup1 - does yours show signs of being batshit crazy 🦇?

I just can’t be bothered with all the drama. I’m like you I don’t get involved, but I do ask my OH to let me know when she makes contact (so I can support him).

It’s so sad that these women can’t move their lives on. They feed off the drama so we don’t do anything to light the fire.

Latest drama - the EW refuses to ‘lrt’ My OH attend parents evening. He really cares about the kids and their education - but it’s not about them it’s anour her. The primary school used to put a separate session in for him but the secondary won’t. She won’t ‘let’ him attend the one and only slot. And he won’t go as he knows she will kick off in front of his daughter and the school. All he wants to do is support his daughter. Honestly..... these women are so damaged they can’t see the harm they do.

Good luck x

WashingMatilda Tue 17-Apr-18 12:44:24

I could have written your post OP.

It's very odd to me because ultimately the only people who suffer are the children in the end. It's so pointless. They split three years ago and she's still playing ridiculous point scoring games.

NorthernSpirit Tue 17-Apr-18 12:55:09

Agree. So sad, that it is the children who suffer. My OH’s EW was pulled to one side (with my OH) and the teacher asked her if she hated her EW more than she cared for the children? This was a teacher who had observed her behaviour. She responded that she is a wounderful mother. These women can’t be told.

I wounder how these women would feel if they weren’t allowed to see their own children for weeks on end or the dad dictated what they could or couldn’t do. God, they would be the first to complain.

SylvesterMcM0nkeyMcBean Tue 17-Apr-18 13:02:23

I don’t understand how people can cause upset for their own children just to score points.

DH’s EW used to tell us she’d booked activities for the children (which we took them to even though she booked things during our time with them), but she would give us the wrong time so we would be trying to drop them off as all their friends were leaving to go home. She SET THEM UP just to make us look bad....

MismatchedStripySocks Tue 17-Apr-18 13:48:48

New one yesterday. She contacted the passport office to try and get new passports this rendering the current ones invalid! Luckily as DH took them out, they contacted him to see if he had them and all he had to do was provide photos and crisis averted. But seriously, the woman would have caused her own children the heartache of missing their holiday to get back at us if she could have shock It’s a new low even for her.

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NorthernSpirit Tue 17-Apr-18 13:55:48

OP - lucky that was averted.

2 years ago (so kids were 7 & 10). My OH asked his EW if he could take the children on holiday to see his parents (who live in France). She agreed in writing. He bought new passports for them, holiday clothes and booked flights.

He spoke to the children at 6pm the night before and the kids were so excited about going (he was due to pick them up at 7am the next morning). At 11pm she emailed to say she wasn’t happy about something so the children weren’t going. My OH was devastated.

My OH took her to court (as it was a breach of the contact order). Social services visited her and a judge warned her that if she continued the behaviour he would take the children off her and they would live with dad. She still says she was in the right and she’s a wounderful mother.

We never say a bad word about the mum in front of the children. One day I am sure they will figure it out for themselves.

OhWhatAWonderfulDay Tue 17-Apr-18 14:06:22

What an absolute shame!

I can't even get my ex to have anything to do with his child.

I'd happily give him 50/50 yet he doesn't want it!

StarsAndStripes111 Tue 17-Apr-18 15:08:18

They all sound exactly the same! They're their own breed of crazy... my partners Ex even initiated their split! She pulled the rug out from under his feet, dumped him, started divorce proceedings, paraded her new boyfriend to him weeks later, told him he'd never find anybody else and then got so much rage when he met me envy

She supposedly hates him so much that she won't agree to only email communication even though every time they have a handover it ends with her shouting and swearing and undermining him in front of their poor child.

It is the kids that suffer in all of it. It's such a shame. It really must be a horrible way for them to live their lives and they seem intent in taking us all down with them.

SylvesterMcM0nkeyMcBean Tue 17-Apr-18 15:12:23

My boys are grown-up now and they have worked out how underhanded and spiteful their mum was for so long. It’s really tough for them because they had so many years hearing her say how awful their dad was, and they believed her, but now they’re looking back at the evidence with adult eyes and it’s really screwed them up.

We never said anything about her, we just let them be kids and enjoy their childhood.

Slow hand clap for messing with the children’s minds just to win little victories.

TooSassy Wed 18-Apr-18 08:25:04

We should start a support group for this. My DP’s EW is EXACTLY the same. An exceptionally high conflict individual who is feeding off ongoing court hearings regarding contact. She plays the victim card to everyone around the children, maintaining that she is protecting her children and that they are so attached to her, they suffer from exceptional emotional distress when separated from her for contact with my DP.

As a result she fights everything tooth and nail. Unless it’s in the court order or her lawyers tell her to wind her neck in or she’ll annoy the courts, she does whatever she wants to do.

I agree with the other posters. These people never stop. They’re addicted to the drama firstly but also incensed that their exes have moved on and found someone new. In the main because it ruins their story about how awful these people were (thereby invalidating the picture they are painting to the world) but most of all you and your DP represent a huge threat to her. You are showing her children (and yes, they are hers) another normal. A happy, calm, settled normal. And that scares them rotten. Deep down these women are hugely insecure and petrified that one day their DC’s will say I don’t like you as much as I like daddy, I want to stay with him.

Coping strategies is exactly what you need. If you haven’t already, read co parenting with a toxic ex. It’s full of great advice.

StarsAndStripes111 Wed 18-Apr-18 09:26:37

Agree we definitely should have some sort of support group / thread for this...

DH received a letter from her solicitor last week because he's now wanting to communicate by email and will not reply to her short story length, rambling, insulting, aggressive texts anymore... confused

If it was me I don't think I'd want to give my ex the satisfaction of knowing that they still got under my skin so much, but I think they're too caught up in the drama to even notice that they're showing themselves up in the process of trying to win points...

You can't fix crazy can you. hmm----

NorthernSpirit Wed 18-Apr-18 12:39:56

@StarsAndStripes111 - my OH has it written into their contact order that his EW is only to communicate via email. This is because previous she sent pages and pages of vitriolic rants via text or notes on the back of a fag packet and you couldn’t decipher what she wanted / the communication was about. The judge worked it in and she has to respond within 4 days (she plays games and doesn’t respond for weeks on end).

Completely agree with you that you can’t fix crazy. I actually think in my case (and I don’t mean to belittle or offend anyone) but I do think the woman is so emotionally damaged she has some mental health issues. I could go on for hours about some of the bat shit crazy stuff she’s done.

We don’t give her any satisfaction or rise to her. It just fuels her fire and victim mentality. It’s such a shame - they divorced 5 years ago and she’s only 41, says her life is over (as my OH ruined it) and won’t find anyone else. So sad that the bitterness has eaten her up.

Oswin Wed 18-Apr-18 13:51:56

She would have fucked the holiday for them?! Wow thats so horrible. Have you got her permission to take them abroad?
So they come on the friday, go home sunday and you pick them up two days later? Would she agree to moving the contact to sunday so she still gets the two days?

laloup1 Wed 18-Apr-18 20:48:41

Northern We are pretty darned certain she has psychological issues.

MismatchedStripySocks Thu 19-Apr-18 08:45:56

@Oswin You would think that would be the sensible idea but that would NEVER be permitted. The one and only time in 3.5 years DH needed to drop them home one night early he wasn’t allowed to see them at all shock During the recent bad snow when the main road to her town was actually closed, she send disgusting rants saying that he obviously didn’t love them enough to come down. People had been getting trapped in their cars FFS!

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