What does everyone find hardest....

[hellsb8]

As a step parent when you have your dscs?

I'm not talking about issues with ex's or any of that crap. I'm talking about when your step children are actually staying in your home for however long....

Which part do you find hardest?

For me it's without a doubt the mess. My dcs are fairly tidy (by no means angels though) but when dss is here, he gets everything out constantly. I have become firmer with him lately and it's working. He makes a mess then refuses to tidy it. I wasn't putting up with it any longer and now it's getting there.

Also, the attention has to be on him all of the time. He can't stand anything being about my dcs or his sister.

No problems really with dsd, she's older but it does bug me when she helps herself to chocolate type snacks without asking. That's a petty one though really. Just sometimes I buy treats for everyone but someone misses out (usually me) cos she's had more than one.

Suppose they are all petty really.

Also do you ever think as a step mum, how although your step children can annoy you, your other half lives with your kids all the time? So why do we have the right to moan? Surely step dads feel the same?

[Aroundtheworldandback]

For me the hardest thing is having no say in what happens in my home when they are here. On several occasions their actions put my own children at risk, and because dh was afraid they would not chose not to visit, he refused to give them a consequence or even tell them off, and I just felt so much resentment. I’ve always allowed him to tell my kids off and always presented a united front to them. He just wasn’t willing to do that with his own.

I’m not even sure why and I know this is probably a huge generalisation but I just feel step dads find living with their step children easier. I have no idea why.

[Winosaurus]

I’m not even sure why and I know this is probably a huge generalisation but I just feel step dads find living with their step children easier. I have no idea why

Because more often than not the mother does most of the parenting and SFs are not expected by society to get overly involved with the childcare and disciplining aspects.
SMs seem to be expected to act and love their partner’s children as if they are their own, which is often an unrealistic expectation. SMs seem to be set up to fail from the start. If you get involved you’re told to back off as you’re not their mother, if you leave their father to do the parenting you’re accused of being cold and uncaring.
It’s a very hard balance to find

[hellsb8]

Yeah I get what you both are saying. My dh is good with my dcs but I'm basically bringing them up. He loves them very much but he's not involved in their care. When his dcs are here, I am involved in their care. I don't mind this, if anything I'm glad as now I know I can tell dss off if I need too. Am I overstepping the mark? No idea but he listens to me more than he does his dad. He knows there's no messing with me as he sees the way I am with my own dcs. And I treat them all fairly. So since I have got strict with dss, it's become better at home. Though I'm sure his mother won't appreciate it but anyway....

[Somerville]

Because more often than not the mother does most of the parenting and SFs are not expected by society to get overly involved with the childcare and disciplining aspects. SMs seem to be expected to act and love their partner’s children as if they are their own, which is often an unrealistic expectation. SMs seem to be set up to fail from the start.

I get what you're saying, but I'm not convinced that's the full picture. Because AFAIK (I've only seen the stats for my LA) step fathers gain parental responsibility/adopt their DSC in far greater numbers than step mothers. This seems to indicate that men who marry women with children are more likely to "act and love them as their own", rather than less.
I think the root of the problem between DSC and step mothers can be that fathers on average have less contact with their children. Where this manifests in the father being lazy or unconfident as a parent, this is obviously going to have a knock-on effect. So, I guess, more step mothers have a DH problem than step fathers have a DW problem, IYGWIM?

[swingofthings]

My OH also find my kids messiness the hardest part of being a SD. I think everything else he is quite ok about, but as stated already, he doesn't really gets involved into anything, certainly doesn't feel that he is a right to pressure me to bring them up differently to the way I think is best.

I do sympathise with the messiness. I think what makes it hard is that all OP's relatives are tidy so it's hard for him to get his head around the fact that not everyone is naturally tidy. I wasn't at their age either. I became so as an adult.

I think what frustrates me is that it is the only thing he can moan about and I don't think it's that bad. I said to OH that I know there are things about me that annoys him, but it doesn't stop him still making me feel like I'm the best thing that has happened to him, so why can he accepts my bad traits and not the one and only of my children?

[Magda72]

I find the lack of ease that exists in the home when they're here very hard to deal with. The minute they arrive everyone is on edge despite trying really hard not to be.
I often feel very guilty as dp is very good with my kids, but as others have said he is not involved in their care/upbringing.
However, it also has to be said that my kids have also been very good with dp & have been extremely welcoming & accepting of him.
I think @Winosaurus is very right it what she says about societies attitudes to sm's & sf's.
I never extended care to dscs when they're here as dp is well capable of doing that however this has now been interpreted (by their dm) as me being cold & uncaring & this has been said to the dscs - one of the reasons of the lack of ease!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

For me the hardest part of being a SM is the barriers my DSCs had up. I was always treated as an outsider and as a lesser person.

I was tolerated most of the time. If I did good things for them, that was accepted but quickly forgotten.

The total lack of control. I had no say yet was a full time SM. Even childminders have some control and they get paid!

They were all teenagers so there were lots of every day stresses, strops, hormones, mess oh god the mess! The constant games and sounds of the XBox, tinny music from iPhones. However this was all part and parcel of taking on someone’s kids. I didn’t really mind this.

Yep the lack of any say and the complete resistance to me are by far the hardest.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I’d say on contrast my DP does have a very easy ride being a Step Dad.

He does have some say and can parent him, but I do the main discipline and expect both my son and DP to be respectful to each other. My son does not have a big barrier up, he genuinely cares for his step dad, sometimes! There’s not big stirred up resentments. These things are key.

[Handsfull13]

Currently I find the comments on my parenting aggravating.
Ss is 15 and our twins are 1 so he backhanded comments on what I do with them.
I guess it was because his parents did different things then his dad and me. He was in nursery and I'm a sahm so he is already seeing the differences.

[WhiteCat1704]

I'm with Magda..for me too its the "lack of easy". It has gotten easier I have to say..but this feeling of not being completely relaxed, having to mind every word, walking on eggshells still remains. I would really like it to go away..I hope one day it will just become natural and friendly..

[dated1988]

Like Magda - it's the uneasiness in the house that is the hardest.

My ss can be a pain, but he's a seven year old boy... I'm sure most of them are! He does things that my children don't, in a different way, and whilst that's irritating at times, my children can be irritating too! His mum does spoil him, has no routine and can be a pain with times (constantly late) but she can parent as she bloody well wants, I can't feel any anger about it.

However it's the change of atmosphere, the way my DP tries to over compensate for ss not living here (not full on Disney dad but at least half way there). It's the feeling of my step parenting being judged (too much/not enough) constantly whilst he's here. It feels pressured. I'm three years in, and hoping it eases up as time goes on.

[dated1988]

And it's reassuring to see many say the same. My partner has taken to step parenting so well that I feel guilty for not finding it as easy.

[twer]

The anxiety I get before they visit. It makes me dread their visits which is so daft because once they're here it's SO FINE!
I get too much in my head sometimes.

Mess is a pain though and I don't feel confident 'telling them off' as their first language isn't English so I get my foreign words all muddled and think I'll end up sounding daft.

[mountaingirl220]

Mine is the rude, spoiled and entitled behaviour. I can't blame him really, as his mother allows it (my DH says he always wonders how much saliva his ex has eaten at restaurants because she's mean and rude to people too). But we don't tolerate it in our home. That said, since we had our son together, who is 7 years younger and more polite and happy, it certainly changed my DH's son's behaviour a lot too. Also, DH then stepped up even more as a father and doesn't tolerate a lot more things. I still find it irritating the way my DH and ILs overcompensate so much for his son. He is now 9 and believes the whole world should revolve around him. My MIL and DH's son are over this next weekend and I'm dreading it. MIL ends up treating our son like a performing monkey whenever my DH's son around. Like DH's son should be the only important thing around and the rest of us should jump when told to. It is something I've had to separate from how I treat his son. It's not easy but now seeing how badly he has turned out from his mother's parenting (health wise and character wise), I really feel sorry for him. Poor kid had a lot of potential, but now has so many issues.

[mountaingirl220]

It's funny. I'm not the only one using the word "overcompensate."

[PopcornDawn]

Its not easy but now seeing how badly he's turned out from his mother's parenting (health wise and character wise), I really feel sorry for him. Poor kid had a lot of potential, but now has so many issues.

Wow. He's a 9 year old child! so I can't see how you can justify saying that about him.
What do you mean he HAD a lot of potential?
Sounds to me like you just don't like your ds as you don't write any thing positive about him.
You've also said yourself that your DH 'stepped up more as a father' when your ds was born (who is 7 years younger than his other son), why wasn't he stepping up as a father during the 7 years before your ds was born?
It's not fair to put all the blame on your ds's 'behaviour' solely on to his mum, and if she's really bringing him up badly then surely your DH would be applying for custody.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I too felt the unease. It comes from somewhere, often from one side it is resentment, resistance, not willing to accept the SM. Hopefully it can melt over time, but sometimes it gets worse.

In contrast I lived with a friend and her child, just before becoming a SM, and there were no feelings of unease at all. There was adjustment, we both had young kids, we had to parent the other child sometimes. But there were no problems at all.

[Winosaurus]

Unease is a fantastic way of describing it

[takeittakeit]

Isn't it that SMs expect and to some extent demand the respect of the step kids and when they do not get it - the blame game on poor parenting, bad habits etc comes out and once started the vitriol is hard to turn off.

My SDCs are different to my DCS - not better not worse, except the youngest not flushing the toilet is gross!

They do not have to accept the situation in either home, it is put on them and they get absolutely no say. There only way to show their dislike, justified or unjustifed is to be rude, unpleasant etc.

I do not get unease - this is their home aswell. Throughout all these threads above, no one sees this as their home - it is the SMS empire being invaded and the resentment starts there.

My SDCs room doors are shut at the end of their visit and left that way till they come back - they told me their Mum does that to them so they tidy up - stopped so much stress of me tidying up after them.

I treat them like my own, shout supper is ready, tell each of them to clear table, wash etc, there are faces made on both sides of the divide but the kids are united on the fact that I am bossy!

[mountaingirl220]

Hi Popcorndawn, it hasn't been easy. His mother likes to fob him off onto others while she shops a lot rather than be a mother. The reason why I say that he had a lot of potential is that he should be doing more activities he loves, but his mother (despite having the finances and resources to do it), prefers to sit him in front of a TV rather than take him to activities down the road. He has issues at 8 because he's on three different medications because he eats so poorly. She said she's given up on trying to make him eat healthy, so she hands him chocolate desserts for his breakfast in the morning etc. As a result, he's on meds for his stomach pains, meds because he can't sleep.. I hope you get the picture. My DH only has him every other weekend, so he can't spend the entire weekend yelling at him. It wouldn't be fair. But, his son has been so rude that DH did step up, not only because of our son but also because his son has grown older and he feels he can understand more. Sorry I didn't mention that. I admit that at some point, I did despise his son. Many reasons being is that he kept lying about how he was being treated in our home to his mother and at school. He also got very physically aggressive and wasn't even allowed to participate half the day in his classroom because the kids at school kept getting hurt by him. The reason why I say that he had a lot of potential is that he did. I hope that as he grows and matured, he will change. We encourage him with his art, going outside a lot and talk to him a lot to reassure him that we care about him, etc, but it always gets undone by his mother.

[mountaingirl220]

You also can't apply for custody unless it's really bad neglect or abuse. My point being is that she puts the minimum amount of effort into him. I admit that only in the last year have I attempted to rebuild a relationship with him. I have been respectful and I try, but it isn't easy when he can be so mean to others. I've had to dig deep and try and find the good parts of him.

[user1493413286]

The mess definitely - nothing is ever put away or put in the bin without me or her dad asking although it could be much worse I realise.
Also the comments about how we’re bringing up our baby DD; ie. my mum does this with my baby brother/my mum doesn’t think people should do blah blah but I don’t blame DSD for that as I’m fairly sure it’s all her mum

[PopcornDawn]

You also can't apply for custody unless its really bad neglect or abuse

mountaingirl220, whilst it may be difficult for your DH to win custody, its not impossible, and there's nothing to stop him at least applying to the Courts.
After all, you say yourself that your ds's mother doesn't feed him properly (which has resulted in him being on medication for stomach pains) and that he's also on meds because he can't sleep. She also apparently 'fobs him off' on others.

If this is the case, surely your ds IS being neglected and your DH could state his concerns to the Court about the way he believes his son is being treated by his mother. There's nothing stopping him from doing this if he's genuinely worried about his son's welfare.
Your DH could also apply for a child arrangements order in order to spend more time with his son (and help him deal with his 'issues' ) if he doesn't intend to go for custody.
Also, there's nothing to stop your DH taking his child to an activity (when possible), why is the onus completely on mum to do this?
In short, your DH should be involving himself a lot more in his son's life, especially given as your ds sounds unhappy.
One more thing, its concerning that you can despise a young child.

[Wallywobbles]

Im really lucky. My DSC are really easy. DH is super Dad. More competent than most humans and a better parent I am. He's much stricter. My DSC are very forgiving of my occasional psycho temper moment. I'm probably much calmer with them than my kids. My kids and them are like siblings in that they fight and pick at each other but stick up for each other when there's an outside threat.

I did totally loose it and left for 4 days as I was so hurt when they complained to their mum that we treat them like slaves. Sadly they feel they need to tell their mum bad stuff about us. It makes her feel better. But my god I do such a lot for them all. Treat them all the same with one exception. Facilitate contact with the maternal grandmother etc. Do all the school appointments, twice weekly medical appointments etc for both parents. And ALL of the sporting activities.

I find it hard that we are still, 4 years in, saying sit properly, eat properly and please and thank you to DSS 9. After 2 weeks here he is brilliant. 2 weeks with his mum and it's time to start again.

DH finds it hard to find a way to cater to all their personalities and needs at the same time.

[Magda72]

@takeittakeit - I do not get unease - this is their home aswell. Throughout all these threads above, no one sees this as their home - it is the SMS empire being invaded and the resentment starts there.
I totally get where you're coming from re this. But from point of view it's very hard to view my home as my sdc's home also when they're only here eow or sometimes once a month (depending on what extended family stuff is going on at dp's end). I think a lot of sm's feel like this - it doesn't make us bad people but we're only human.
If I'm to be brutally honest it does feel like I have visitors when they're here, but they're visitors I'm not allowed say anything to - hence the unease/walking on eggshells.
If my nephews are visiting I can ask them to clean/tidy/flush loos but if I say any of this to sdcs I'm "on their case".
There's 3 of them - all teen boys - & what they like to do at the weekend is watch tv & play Xbox. In order to facilitate this my kids & I have to give over the use of the living room as what they want to watch is not they type of stuff my 12 yr dd is allowed watch - fair enough we all have to compromise. If they are then told to get off the Xbox/tv they do so reluctantly & will do NOTHING else. They will literally stand in the kitchen, not talking, watching me make dinner. Dp will try to include them in things but they're not interested. This then puts dp on edge.
I KNOW these situations are very hard on kids but they are also very hard on adults who most of the time really are just trying their best but who never seem to be able to do the right thing in the eyes of the sdcs.