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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

My partner is ending our relationship because of his children.

45 replies

sallysally1974 · 07/04/2018 18:46

My partner is ending our relationship because of his children. His ex-wife is a therapist with BPD borderline personality disorder and she controls all of them. He says he is fed up that I can't be more involved with parenting and that my big sister approach is not enough.

I feel pushed back by them and think that the ex is bad mouthing me and him. He doesn't believe my observations. He is a very gullible person and can't see any of this. He is now saying altgough he is very happy with me he thinks he needs to end the relationship. His ex has always treated him like a servant and I think she just wants him to be more available. At the same time she lives in the family house with a new boyfriend - she was the one who first started seeing other people.

I find it all so terribly sad.

OP posts:

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daftgeranium · 07/04/2018 19:11

Sorry to say this, but the guy sounds like a complete knob. He is taking no responsibility at all for the situation and is letting his ex dictate everything, and/ or blaming you.

This is not the basis for a sound relationship. Get the hell out of there and find someone who really cares about you. It sounds like this guy is just not worth it.

Best wishes.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 19:13

I don’t understand this. Is the issue that he wants you to take a more active role, or that his ex might be bad-mouthing you?

Rainboho · 07/04/2018 19:16

No, your partner is ending your relationship because he chooses being controlled by ex and is pissed off you haven’t picked up the parenting tasks. You don’t even mention his children really.

How do you know his ex has BPD?

You’re well off out of it.

VimFuego101 · 07/04/2018 19:17

A 'big sister' approach to step parenting sounds fine to me if there's an actively involved other parent still in the picture, in hindsight I would have approached step parenting that way myself if I'd been on MN and had the wisdom of the step-parenting board at that time. I don't think it's you with the problem here.

sallysally1974 · 07/04/2018 19:58

Thanks for your support. I meant that he wants me to be more in the centre of things but the girls 12 and 14 keep me at a distance. At the same time I know they like me and respect me. They come a few steps closer and only to on their next visit to behave like they don’t know me. I am struggling to make it right. As don’t want their mum to think I am trying to take them from her as I don’t have children myself.

The ex is a professional therapist and was diagnosed with bpd while training to be a therapist.

I really love him and feel said that he is being played around. When he asks her she says that she doesn’t do that. But it very clearly to see in the girls struggle...

OP posts:

Dozer · 07/04/2018 20:01

He is the problem.

Dozer · 07/04/2018 20:01

With your and his relationship that is.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/04/2018 20:51

This sounds too much like hard work

swingofthings · 08/04/2018 08:45

It has nothing to do with the ex but your relationship. You are not managing to find a committed way to be a family that makes both of you happy. However controlling the ex is, he is a person of his own and you decided to have a relationship with him.

Either work on your relationship and find compromises that can mean it has a chance to work, or really, he is right that due to circumstances, you are not compatible even if the love is there.

SandyY2K · 08/04/2018 08:56

He sounds like a weak man tbh. They're his kids...you don't have to be a parent to them. You're best off with another man who values you.

user1493413286 · 08/04/2018 09:50

I’m really sorry to hear that but if his ex is able to manipulate and control him to this extent then I think you’re better off away from him as I can only see it getting worse

sallysally1974 · 08/04/2018 11:45

I know he is weak but he means well. His ex has basically honey trapped him at work - he was her boss and made him leave his first marriage and children. After 10 years she than announced that the relationship has ended and that’s she ya in new relationship. She made him loose everything. During the relationship she has kept him like a servant, spend all money and isolated him from his friends and family... it goes on but this person still has a shocking influence on him.

I think she is a Machiavellian character and has mummy issues. I feel sometimes that he doesn’t enjoy being treated well...

OP posts:

sallysally1974 · 08/04/2018 11:46

I mean he has mummy issues

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 08/04/2018 11:49

Well, if he's leaving you because of those reasons....you're better off without him!

TheHulksPurplePants · 08/04/2018 11:51

His ex has basically honey trapped him at work - he was her boss and made him leave his first marriage and children.

Bullshit. He's a coward and a cheat. You're better off rid of him.

user1474652148 · 08/04/2018 11:53

The issue isn’t with her op, clearly the issue is with him.
Too weak
Too guillible
Too stupid
The victim

Whatever description you chose for him you do have to stop blaming her. It is his choice to be all of those things and not yours.

He is finishing your relationship for his own reasons, and if this dynanmix is as toxic as it sounds you are well rid.

Be relieved you have no further ties and move on to someone with a lot less baggage.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 08/04/2018 11:54

He sounds like a complete cock womble to me, sorry.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 08/04/2018 11:57

Plus you make it sound like he was a passive bystander when his first marriage ended. He left his wife and kids for a subordinate at work. Doesnt sound like the world’s greatest catch tbf

MarshaBradyo · 08/04/2018 12:06

You’re focussing way too much on the ex wife, your dp sounds like the problem

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/04/2018 12:06

I totally believe that his EW is massively influencing him. It’s very tough when your relationship is ending because of a toxic EW, and not your DP. I get that. For a long time I was very, very angry that my DP was letting his EW and older DSCs cause such massive rifts in our relationship. I thought if he could just see it, and disengage, we could move on.

We tried counselling and that did shed some light. Worth a try! Especially one that is family oriented.

The therapist said to us ‘there are three people in this relationship’ (meaning us and EW).

However, this is unlikely to change. Your DP is weak, and weakness is destroying what you have. I’m breaking up with my DP. Only recently his EW snapped her fingers and he complied. She’s very selfish, and is rewarded by it as DP does everything she should be doing.

They can’t see it. You can try talking, counselling. You can try being very clear yourself what your relationship needs, asking for this, being more bossy than his EW. However this is exhausting to keep up. It’s easier for you to leave.

MadMags · 08/04/2018 12:10

He left his first wife and children because he cheated with his ex.

Tell me, was he broken up from her when he met you?

Oblomov18 · 08/04/2018 12:11

He is weak and pathetic, but you can't see this because you are so in love with him. This relationship is never going to work. But you don't want to accept that, because you're not ready to hear that yet.

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sallysally1974 · 08/04/2018 17:16

They had ended things when she started seeing somone new. He was basically looking after the kids every evening and she would go to her boyfriends. Once when he was drunk he said tat she waited for the 10 years to pass to get the most out of him. She hasn’t worked since 10 years, was a full time mum. In the last two years she’s retrained to become a therapist and started having emotional affairs with lectures and soon after she left him. I had nothing to do with their breakup.

OP posts:

TheHulksPurplePants · 08/04/2018 19:58

Yeah but he left his previous wife and kids for her. DOUCHEBAG

Ryder63 · 08/04/2018 20:11

What a mess! he has two broken families? Waaaaay too much drama.

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