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Can a blended family every work???

(28 Posts)
greenhills2015 Fri 06-Apr-18 11:06:00

This is kind of just a rant but I am feeling so so crappy!

I am mum to DS 5m and have 2 step children 5 & 8 - I get on great with the SC but since I've had my little one my feelings towards them are changing and I hate it.

I moved from my home country to where we are presently so have 0 family support (aside from FaceTime etc). This is because my partner couldn't leave his DC and rightly so.

A very close family friend is now expecting their first baby and I am so jealous! They get to be a little family, just them against the world and I will never have that! We will always have DP and his ex as a team parenting my SC and then me and DP parenting our children while having to make sacrifices due to SC.

I have to plan our lives, holidays and activities around the SC and will never just be able to prioritise my DS or what I want.

I just feel so crap that I feel like this, I think becoming a parent changes you because I never had these feelings before.

I don't want a load of messages saying 'feel sorry for your SC' or ' you knew this when you dated a guy who had kids' you can not possibly know how you will feel once you add your own DC into the mix until you have done so. SC are never pushed out, it is usually me and my DC that are left to our own Devises on the weekends they are here.

Being a step parent is an incredibly hard and thankless job and just need some support ☹️

Thanks

OP’s posts: |
TwoDots Fri 06-Apr-18 11:36:30

Oh you poor thing. I'm feeling exactly the same at the moment so I understand. Currently questioning if it's all worth it. Not much advice but I do get it x

Bananasinpyjamas11 Fri 06-Apr-18 11:38:36

It’s fine to rant, it is so much harder than having no step family. You can never have your own team. There’s always another one, the first family which can sometimes be opposed to your very existence.

It takes a lot of sacrifices. I’ve never had a nice holiday with our young child and DP for example. We tried once, with all DSCs too and it was all about them, one was pretty horrible to me, and stuck to DP like glue the whole time. We had zero moments of happiness with our child and it was all older teenage activities. That’s just one example.

The only thing I’d say is that you have to make peace with this. You cannot change it. Find moments that are precious, create your own small memories too like photos with just you and DP and baby, days out just you even if they can’t happen as often. If the DSCs have to be included always then that’s too much of a strain. You need a little time to establish your own.

swingofthings Fri 06-Apr-18 11:42:34

The problem is that we have the tendency to compare ourselves to those close to us who we think have it so much better than us. We never compare ourselves to those who have less.

Of course it would be wonderful if you could have your OH for you and your DS only, it's totally normal to think this way, but it isn't right if it start affecting your feelings towards your SC and OH.

It is hard to raise a little one away from family, I was the same and really missed my parents at the time but it gets easier. Try not to let your feelings impact on how you interact with your CS as they will very quickly pick up on your feelings, feel excluded and they start treating you like you don't mean much to them either.

Maybe it would help to speak with a counsellor about your feelings. They are not wrong, they are normal, but you need to move forward if you don't want to impact on your lovely family.

greenhills2015 Fri 06-Apr-18 11:44:04

Thank you @TwoDots and @Bananasinpyjamas11 it is great to know I am not the only one feeling like this.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I do wish I hadn't moved away from all my family in this situation. Would be so much easier if I had their support and we could do things together.

OP’s posts: |
greenhills2015 Fri 06-Apr-18 11:45:47

@swingofthings thank you, I have been considering a councillor but as the situation can't be changed I didn't know if it would make much difference. I will maybe contact them again.

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Fri 06-Apr-18 11:52:08

It would help because as you say, you can't change the situation so it's about learning to accept it and realise that you can find some happiness in it.

NeverTwerkNaked Fri 06-Apr-18 11:57:47

I get it, I already had children when I met Dp. My children and his all adored each other which made things easier. But it does change things.
I think two things might help you:
1) find ways to have little moments just the three of you - do DSC live with you all the time?
2) As baby gets older and you watch their relationship with their step siblings grow you will realise how lovely that can be. Babies love having older children to watch. And I love seeing the friendship and love between my children and step children

Handsfull13 Fri 06-Apr-18 12:14:08

A councillor might help, yes you can't change things but they can help the way you see and react to those things.

I totally get where you are coming from. I love my ss but when my twins were born it changed the way I reacted to him. My kids are just over a year now and I'm finding balance in our lives. I make sure that everyone has time focused on them and everyone has to make sacrifices.

I wanted to do swimming lessons with the twins but you can't just book every other weekend lessons so ss has had to get used to us leaving him for an hour every Sunday.
Then on Saturdays my oh and ss go out riding for the morning and come back in the afternoon which I'm happy to be alone with the twins.

Luckily my OH understands that we don't alternate which child gets focused on depending on who is in the house. It's about prioritising the family unit with give and take.
I would suggest taking time to find something for all of you to do and something just you dp and Baby do.

swingofthings Fri 06-Apr-18 12:21:59

I just feel so crap that I feel like this, I think becoming a parent changes you because I never had these feelings before
Just to comment on this, that is so true. Being a parent changes a lot of things in that maternal instincts kicked in and all of a sudden, you want everything best for your own child. You want them to have the perfect family so they can grow to be happy and well-adjusted.

This is why there is often so much conflict because we are all the same, we want the best for our own children and what is best for one sometimes is not what is best for the other. It makes it difficult for the father too who is stuck in the middle wanting the best for all of them but feels pulls and that whatever he does for one, he is letting down the other.

Robin233 Fri 06-Apr-18 12:32:40

I know it's hard and being away from family makes it 10 times harder.
But like an early post said, the relationship between the subbing is lovely. They all love each other very much.
My baby is 22 now smile

Givenup43 Fri 06-Apr-18 12:45:25

It's HORRIBLE being a step parent and having to deal with the family they already have with their children and the ex...

And having to work out schedules for school holidays and work around him letting his children rule the roost (probably only me!)...

It's hard and stressful and boring and unhappy at times..

Sorry no help but completely agree with you!

greenhills2015 Fri 06-Apr-18 13:30:09

@swingofthings you are absolutely right, I do feel sorry for DP stuck in the middle of both families but I don't really know how to improve it!

Seeing this family friend and her OH with her pregnancy is just making me realise what I gave up. Both first time parents so are all excited to start their lives together as a little family. Our family unit can never be as strong because there are so many different parties to consider and divided attentions.

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greenhills2015 Fri 06-Apr-18 13:32:22

@Robin233 I am looking forward to seeing their relationships grow and I am hopeful that this will improve my feelings about the situation.

They are so 'over enthusiastic' (rough) with DS now I get really nervous when they are interacting - which I do hide as don't want to spoil bonding.

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greenhills2015 Fri 06-Apr-18 13:33:28

@Givenup43 it is so hard and you are basically just compromising on your own happiness.

I can see why some SMs have to walk away.

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swingofthings Fri 06-Apr-18 15:28:20

Our family unit can never be as strong because there are so many different parties to consider and divided attentions.
You don't know what the future holds. For all you know, you'll pull together, you're affection for your SC will grow even more and will be fully returned, and one day, you might even consider them like your own. At the same time, your friend might realise that her and her partner have grown apart, nothing more in common but their child and will decide to go their separate ways.

Comparing your life with others and being envious of what you think they have and you wish you had can only do damage. The more you think about it, the more you'll convince yourself that your family life is ruined because of the fact your DH had a family before he met you when it doesn't have to be the case at all.

Glitterbaby17 Sat 07-Apr-18 08:26:02

I have DD 10 months and DSD12 and am finding myself feeling like this too, and then feeling guilty as I didn’t feel like this before. Doesn’t help that 12 is a difficult age anyway and she’s become very disrespectful but it does change when you have your own little one. I think some sadness for what might have been if you were a little unit is normal but you have to find the small moments of happiness where you can. Hear you on all scheduling around DSC and their needs - it is sad sometimes not to do super simple break with baby.

WhiteCat1704 Sat 07-Apr-18 09:48:31

Hmm...I felt a bit like that too but we had plenty of time spend with just me, DH and baby DS. SD was almost 15 when he was born and mostly not that interested..She had her weekends busy with friends, a boyfriend and extra activities and never wanted/was at home when we were taking DS out..I think I should be appreciating it more..

Re family- maybe they could visit OP?? I know it's hard being away and feeling isolated..

If I was you I would talk to your DH and say you would like some time with just him&baby..maybe one holiday close to your family?...presumably SC have a mum and live with her?

WhiteCat1704 Sat 07-Apr-18 09:55:15

Oh and OP..your DS is very little..it's early days and the hardest part really..If your SC are rough with DS you should ABSOLUTELY intervene!!! or your DH should on your behalf..you are a new mum and feel very protective, it's normal and there for a reason!! Babies are delicate!!!
I can't imagine letting anyone be rough with my young baby for the sake of "bonding"..The will be able to "bond" in that way when he is bigger and there is no risk of damage

Magda72 Sat 07-Apr-18 12:26:55

Hi Greenhills I know how you're feeling.
But you know, my exh & his dp are in your shoes - 2 smallies & my three & if I let myself I would envy what I perceive to be their perfect unit - 2 lovely babies together & my three who are mad about their baby brothers. Dp is the relationship I've always been looking for but we'll never have a child together as we can barely cope with the three each we have (6 between us!) & that really is bittersweet. All our kids are teens, are poles apart in terms of personality & interests & so dp & I have to spend loads of time apart.
No family is perfect no matter how it may seem from the outside but I will say my family & friends have been super in listening to my frustrations & counseling has also been a great help.
💐

cookie4640 Sat 07-Apr-18 14:45:14

I’m with you! Step parenting is the hardest thing in the world. I’ve been one coming up five years and it’s way harder than just raising your own child ( which I did for 7yrs before meeting dh) I’d go as far to say I fucking hate my sdd right now, she’s 10 and I’m due to give birth and emotions are running high!! Pat on the back for you. I don’t know if it can ever work, not properly. I’ll never love them, I can generally only just tolerate them, however their Mum although she tries isn’t the greatest and their dad (which means me) likes to take an even load so she doesn’t struggle. Sigh. I’m counting down the years until they leave home. Big hugs!

Makingdinner Sat 07-Apr-18 14:54:55

Yep i get this. It bothered me mostly because ds was my first and I felt like dp would feel like it was old news because hed been through it all before.

It's not like that though and I do think he's been a better dad to ds than he was to dss when he was little. He's more involved I think he's just grown up since then.

However dss moved in with us when ds was about 9 months. That was hard. Never got any time alone. Holidays got cancelled (as weren't in school hols) and I lost my shit for a while because ex was still trying to dictate even after she'd kicked him out.

Things are better mostly now a year later and dss does adore ds and vice versa but its not perfect. I admit I look forward to dss being 18 and independent (yes prob still living here!) Just so I get to spend some time with dp and ds.

We are all going abroad together for the first time this year and I'm half looking forward to it and half dreading it because dss is 13 and starting to get an attitude so spending 24 hours a day together for a week is probably going to test my nerves (But would be the same if he was mine tbh!)

greenhills2015 Sat 07-Apr-18 19:38:54

@WhiteCat1704 I definitely do intervene I just try not to look so nervous when they are being gentle! Any potential risk to DS makes me so on edge

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greenhills2015 Sat 07-Apr-18 19:42:03

@cookie4640 I know it is so difficult! I just keep thinking it is not these poor children's fault that their parents split up so we have to work through this to make sure they have a happy family with us as well as their Mum

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greenhills2015 Sat 07-Apr-18 19:51:40

@Makingdinner I imagine it is a lot harder having DSC full time! I expect our SC may choose to live with us when they're older and need their space, they have their own bedrooms at ours where as at home they have a little brother who shares with SD full time and 2 step siblings that have to share as well when they come

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