Can op not just have him?

(53 Posts)
char187 Thu 29-Mar-18 09:14:22

Easter next week, dhs ex has asked if he can have dss for any of it which of course is absolutely fine. We usually have him half of the week in holidays.

Dh is waiting on wether he is working or not so he said of course he can come and stay with us but hes just waiting on the days he is working. He should know by the end of the day. He was going to contact her regarding when dss could come, he was just waiting to find out his hours which he will do today.

Ex replied with 'well can op not just have him?' With a stroppy attitude in her voice. I heard it through the phone call.

Now let me just say, I have dss all the time. He's coming Friday and I've got him over night on my own as dh is out for the evening on a works day/night away. I don't mind at all. We don't have much of a social life.

We have dss every weekend and as sometimes dh works (only half a day on a Saturday if he does) I look after dss and take him places along with my own dc. I really don't mind doing it, it's not an issue.

I just don't appreciate the 'can't op just have him?' From the ex. Would this bug anyone else or is it just me? She knows I will have him, it's fine. But I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken advantage of through her.

After the phone call I said to dh, of course I will have him if he has to work. We have things planned with dcs next week and he will have a lovely time with us. But I just don't like her attitude towards me. I can't explain what I mean but does anyone get me?

It's happening more often at the moment. Last week dss came for tea and she was dropping him off with us. I said to dh I will be in just after 5 as I need to pick dd up from dancing at 4.45. Dh doesn't finish work until 5.30, home for 6. He told her anytime after 5 is fine to drop dss off. Her reply was ' I need him dropped off for 5, can she not pick dd up slightly early?' This is not a usual night dss comes to us, it was only decided that morning he was coming for tea.

She was expecting me to have dss all day tomorrow as well and it's the first time ive ever said no. She rang dh last week and said 'I know you are out for the day so shall I just drop dss with op at 10am seen as it's good Friday?' My dcs are with their dad and I've decided to go out for the day with my mum and sister. I'll be home for 5 and she can drop him after which is the usual routine on a Friday. It would be different if dh was at home. Dss would definitely be here but this works do has been planned for months. I know that's frustrated her.

Her attitude towards me is really starting to piss me off. I know I am his step mother but she could just treat me with a little more respect? Or am I over reacting? I've tried to turn it around and imagine my dcs with a step mother but that's very hard for me as dcs dad isn't really interested in dcs so all I can think of is how lucky dss is to have a dad that does everything he can to see him and actually wants to be in his life. My dcs don't really have that.

Also, I don't want to make out that dh never has dss. He does, it's just his work hours mean that he's not often home when dss is dropped off. He's home within an hour. Dh then drops him back off with his mum on a Sunday evening.

I don't know if I'm being petty here or if I need to start watching my back. I feel like she is going to start walking all over me.

OP’s posts: |
Wdigin2this Thu 29-Mar-18 09:17:52

No, you're no being petty, she is using you as a baby sitting service!

Thebluedog Thu 29-Mar-18 09:21:25

It would piss me off too OP, yanbu. As you’ve said you are more than happy to have him, but manners cost nothing and she’s treating you like an unpaid nanny. I don’t like pulling the ‘He’s not my child’ as you’re married to his dad so you automatically take on some responsibility in my eyes, for your step children. But if you’re busy and have already made plans, it’s not your usual weekend to have him, and your dh is at work then I’d not change your plans with your mum and his ex will have to make other arrangements.

My ex has the dc eow and if it’s not my weekend to have them and he asks to swap, if I can I will, but if I’ve already made plans then no. Flexibility and working together for the dc is the way to go, but that goes for both parties.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Thu 29-Mar-18 09:23:46

She is BU expecting you to rearrange your DCs’ activities around when she wants her DS dropped off etc but your H isn’t helping matters by being so late with his work shifts. How is she supposed to plan visiting anyone, when she has to wait until the end of Thursday to see if she is free this weekend. People have busy lives and I know from experience that trying to get friends to commit to a night out at short notice is hard. I can quite see why she just wants you two as a family to facilitate a bit of time off for her with a bit of notice.

user1493413286 Thu 29-Mar-18 09:24:23

That would annoy me too; during my maternity leave there was an assumption I’d have DSD whenever her mum wanted me to with no regard for the fact I was trying to find my feet with a new baby.
I happily look after my DSD to fit in with my husbands plans or work but I resent having to change my plans to fit in with her mums plans or wishes.

ArnoldBee Thu 29-Mar-18 09:25:25

I was imagining this from her point of view that if she's waiting all the time for your dh to get back to her with the hours/days is she getting frustrated because she wants to plan to do things?

char187 Thu 29-Mar-18 09:29:11

@Thebluedog - thank you, that's exactly how I feel. I feel dss is my responsibility and I do my bit for him. I don't work at the moment and dh works all the hours he can to provide for all the dcs so it's only fair that I have his dc while he is out working to provide for mine. Plus I love having him anyway so it's not that.

It's just her. I did have a feeling that she would want me to have dss all day tomorrow so when my mum suggested going out for the day, I immediately said yes to make myself unavailable. First time I've ever done that.

OP’s posts: |


Handsfull13 Thu 29-Mar-18 10:05:55

I get this completely. You don't mind having ss but you do mind to attitude his mother has about it. If she was more appreciative and less assuming then you wouldn't complain at all.
It all adds up to annoying where if it was only just assuming you will have him for the holidays it would barely register annoyance but when you add in the attitude that you will just do it and that she expects you to change your plans with your children to suit her it becomes one big problem.
I would have definitely made plans for Friday on your own it's good that you have taken time for yourself, it's not about avoiding having ss or preempting her plans it's about doing something for you.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Thu 29-Mar-18 10:33:11

Being used as a free childminder by the EW? What’s not to like?! grin

Seriously though, I don’t think you should be quite so generous with DH either. It’s just not great for the child in the end or you.

At least she’s at the stage of asking and acknowledging, cheeky though that is. My DPs EW just sent her kids to our house regularly out of the blue saying it was ‘DSCs home’ while I was home and a DP at work. DP tended to agree with EW. His kids were young teenagers and EW said ‘did not need parenting’. The break up of me and DP has a lot to do with this!

lunar1 Thu 29-Mar-18 10:38:05

She shouldn't have this attitude with you.

But your DH isn't being fair either, she can't make plans because he is giving no notice. Is she just supposed to sit and wait politely while he sorts out a schedule at the last minute.

She is taking it out on you, probably because he is supporting you being at home and being very last minute with a schedule. She needs to take this up with him though, not you.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Thu 29-Mar-18 10:45:37

Just to say that having your DSS every weekend is quite a lot. So to get stroppy about Easter, even if DH is not able to tell her days, is lazy parenting on her part.

Think about it, they never have a whole day with their mother. Never a full day in their main residence. My DSCs did this and they did not really like it, but never said. The mother then gets used to not parenting that much, and becomes entitled. I’m saying this as I did this for five years with my DSCs and now they are adults I think it was damaging for all of their relationships.

char187 Thu 29-Mar-18 10:51:57

I get what everyone is saying about her making plans. Totally. But we do a lot of 'out of the blue' plans for her. Last week for tea being one. And it's not a big deal so please don't assume that it is.

I get everyone's points though, she has a life and deserves time to herself. All I'm saying is not give me the attitude. If she wants to give it to dh then fair enough. The routine we have for dss works well for all of us and we will always have him extra when she wants us too. I don't expect appreciation either, I married dh and his family become mine. It would just be nice not to feel like I'm a 'babysitter' as others have said.

OP’s posts: |
char187 Thu 29-Mar-18 10:53:51

Also just to add, she's as nice as pie to my face. We never chat, it's always hi and bye but there's not attitude or anything. It's just on the phone to dh, she's a completely different person. I think she probably thinks I can't hear her but I can lol.

OP’s posts: |
Somerville Thu 29-Mar-18 10:54:35

It sounds frustrating for you that you have this expectation on you from your DSS's mother and his father. I can understand his mothers frustration too, though, because your DH isn't committing to the days he can have him.

Your DH needs to get more organised and either book time off work or book holiday clubs, etc... It's not in his child's best interest to be with you all the time during contact - even if you were thrilled by that it would be a shame he doesn't get 1:1 time with his dad, but even more so since you're unhappy about it.

char187 Thu 29-Mar-18 10:59:32

He does get 1:1 time with his dad. It's only an hour on a Friday where he's not with him.

He maybe works about 6 half days on a Saturday a year.

His job doesn't work where he can book holidays when he likes unfortunately - at this time of year anyway. But it is a very well paid job and dh pays a lot more than he should (won't say how much) maintenance wise. Which is obviously to the ex's benefit. But she has to understand that the extra money comes with the fact he cannot guarantee when he is working and when he isn't at times like easter and Christmas. She does know this as he's done the same job for years, back when they were together. He is guaranteed some time off but the actual days never get decided until the last minute. He can't organise his time anymore at this time of year unfortunately.

OP’s posts: |
QuiteLikely5 Thu 29-Mar-18 11:04:41

I don’t think so!

You aren’t a glorified baby sitter.

You deserve respect and you seem to know it. So keep your boundaries firm but fair and that will keep you happy long term

Somerville Thu 29-Mar-18 11:09:11

Sorry OP but that is bollocks - no wonder his ex gets annoyed. As such a high earner he should be paying a fair whack of maintenance - CMS rates are a pittance and all decent NRP's who I know pay more. But providing financially for children doesn't negate the need for parents to manage our annual leave or organise alternate childcare for the holidays. (I wish it did - my life would be much simpler if so, and my career would not have so many hurdles!)

Magda72 Thu 29-Mar-18 11:10:44

To those saying it must be frustrating for her waiting for ops dp to know his work schedule - hire a babysitter!
My ex told me to use his dp as free childcare!! I said no way & hired a sitter to stay with dcs if I was working until their dad could collect them.
Ops 'role' is to support her dp NOT his exw.
I was disgusted that my exh could suggest such a thing and would have been disgusted with myself if I'd taken him up on it.

Twogoround Thu 29-Mar-18 11:14:00

This a DH problem. He should have set times when he has his son. Where he is at work or not .
He should The arrange childcare . He is the one that is pushing the kid on you.
He making his ex dance to his tune. He work time is nothing to do with his ex and should impact on her life.
If he choses to pay extra money then it his choice but something you can have a say in .

char187 Thu 29-Mar-18 11:18:18

@Somerville I have just said his work doesn't work like that! What part of that don't you understand? He can take holidays at any other time of the year but Christmas and easter, it's allocated days. That's how it works. And yes I realise cms is pittance - I get f**k all from my ex.

My ex is an absolutely brilliant dad/step dad. I wouldn't of married him if he wasnt. He does everything he can for his ds aswell as my dcs. As do I, in every way except financially. You just seem focused on bringing him down which was not what the post was about in the first place. It's his ex and he attitude towards me.

Dh has worked hard to get where he is and I'm proud of him for it. I'm not bringing his job into this as we wouldn't have a roof over our heads otherwise. His job works fine for everyone involved. The ex knows how his job works. She's not bothered who has him as long as someone does.

OP’s posts: |
Somerville Thu 29-Mar-18 11:22:57

I have just said his work doesn't work like that! What part of that don't you understand? He can take holidays at any other time of the year but Christmas and easter, it's allocated days. That's how it works

Which is why in every post I've said "book time off OR organise childcare".
I can't always get off the days I need either, so my DH (not my older kids father) takes those days off or my parents have them or I pay for holiday clubs.
This is what parents do who can't take days off in the holidays - not dump the other parent in it by not confirming the days they can have them until the last minute.
Fair enough that you want to try to be flexible and have DSS at short notice when his mother asks. But there's a big difference between having him for tea at short notice, and not knowing which holiday days she'll ah e him. How can she arrange which day to get together with friends or family with him, or which days she needs to organise a babysitter herself so she can go ahead with her own work or other plans??

Somerville Thu 29-Mar-18 11:26:46

You just seem focused on bringing him down which was not what the post was about in the first place. It's his ex and he attitude towards me

But from a few steps away without the emotional involvement you have, it appears that his ex has this attitude towards you of wanting you to just have DSS because of her ex's lack of commitment to which days he can have.
If she was calling you names or whatever then that would be totally out of order, but it sounds like she's more just frustrated by not knowing the plans for next week.
It's also quite disruptive for DSS not to know, which might be feeding her frustration too.

Weezol Thu 29-Mar-18 11:37:03

What jumps out a mile is the whole 'can't op just have him' attitude. It sounds as if she can't wait to get rid of him as she's got something better to do!

Given you're already flexible about changes and short notice I think you're right to say no to planning your own children's activities to fit what she wants.

Steeley113 Thu 29-Mar-18 11:40:07

Does she work? I can see why she finds the last minute plans frustrating if she’s trying to organise her work schedule. At the same time, you’re not a free babysitter and she shouldn’t be expecting it!

char187 Thu 29-Mar-18 11:50:08

She works 2 jobs. One during the day, 3 days a week. The other she works mon - Friday nights in the local pub. We already know she is just working her normal hours as she's going away for 3 weeks in the summer and has no holidays left. Which we are having ds for in this time she is gone.

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