AIBU adult step daughter potentially moving in(37 Posts)
I know there’s another similar thread but I didn’t want to hijack the OPs thread.
Me and DH have two kids under 5 at home. Step daughter is aged 29 and never had a proper job having left school with no qualifications. She split up with her ex BF and is moving out. She has a part time job paying £120 per week and struggled to work full time due to anxiety. She is having trouble finding a flat to rent due to her lack of funds. The question of her moving in here is raised and I can see it wouldn't be a short term thing. She is a regular weed-smoker and we have had one massive row in the past when we didn’t speak for around 6m. This was after I called her out on a few things like taking responsibility.
AIBU to say a flat NO to her moving in? I have two kids under 5.
For the record I think she needs to get a proper job and stand on her own two feet. She is 30 next year. We could just about subsidise her rent but we’d have to act as guarantee on the contract.
Living with her mum isn’t an option either as she’s in another city
Yanbu. She needs to grow up. How long does she expect others to look after her!
If you let her move in you are basically telling her that she doesn't need to take responsibility for her life. She never will and you'll be stuck with her. Tough love is needed. This is from personal experience.
Not a chance. She’ll never leave!
Is DH really suggesting she moves in with you? Or is it her bright idea?
I think if she does you'll have a job getting rid of her. Suggest she looks for a house share. She'll have to get herself another job or find something full time.
Nope, no weed smoker would be moving in with my kids unless they were a responsible person who I totally respected.
I think you might regret it in future if you let her move in, better to say no now than to have to tell her to leave at a later date.
So this girl already has anxiety problems and will soon be homeless? I think yabu regardless of her age thats your dh daughter. We all need help at some point, let her stay for 6months take 30-50% of her wages and save it for her. This will hopefully help her manage her money and have enough money for somewhere to live.
Ember... no this WOMAN (she’s not a girl, she’s a grown woman ffs) needs to stand on her own two feet.
I wouldn’t see any family member homeless but I also wouldn’t just accept them into my home indefinitely. She would need to prove she is actively looking for a full time job and alternative accommodation. Short-term I’d have no issue, but anything longer than 3 months would be a problem for me. I wouldn’t want to live with another adult any longer than that.
Do you have a spare bedroom? If you don’t then I wouldn’t be removing a small child from their room to accommodate her either.
For perspective after the “girl” comment... I am the same age as the DSD and it sounds like she needs to grow up fast.
Your DP needs to be in agreement with you about whatever choice you decide to make or it’ll cause tension in your marriage.
Her mum lives in another city... why can’t DSD consider that an option? I’m assuming on £120 she has a min wage part time job currently so it’s not like she has anything to lose by moving there?
Also the anxiety is a red herring, suffering with anxiety is extremely common and most people seem perfectly capable of behaving like adults and supporting themselves.
She sounds like she needs to sort herself out. It would be preferable for you to suggest she seeks a house share and if needed help out with grocery shopping bills rather than her move in. You can find house shares for around 300pcm.
She cannot/won’t move to the other city as all her friends are here. She won’t consider a house share as she wants her own space, toilet, lockable door.
Us helping her pay towards her rent and utilities on a 1 bed flat seems the “least bad option” to put a roof over her head. The difficulty is that while the rental market is so bouyant, landlords tend to move on to the next potential tenant on the list, without wanting hassle of a parent guarantor arrangement.
I KNOW that we’d be facilitating her lack of responsibility but I’m just grasping at any option that avoids her moving in here. I fear for our marriage otherwise, and we have 2 tiny kids.
For the record, it’s SD that has said she’s consider moving here rather than her current arrangement (staying with another relative-situation breaking down) DH feels a bit helpless I think. I know he thinks I’m being obstructive, and I’m prepared to help financially so she isn’t homeless, but she can’t be here!
She needs to try some counselling to try and get out of the mindset she is in. Anxiety, only working part time and weed smoking is not a good life. Can you find the money for 6 months of counselling. Paying toward the rent might be a short term fix but might not work long term, living alone might not help her mentally, but is the best option right now.
She needs to be less picky where she wants to live if she's only working part time. She's a grown woman she needs to act like one and it sounds like you've got enough on your plate. Don't subsidise her rent either maybe she could afford better accommodation if she packed in the weed! Good luck!
Plenty of single 30 year olds live in flatshares. In fact, it's the norm rather than the exception around here. She will either need to get a full time job which pays enough to keep her own roof over her head or suck it up like everyone else has to. She is being rather precious, insisting on needing her own bathroom etc, when the vast majority don't enjoy this privilege and work a lot harder for their shared facilities.
Helping with a deposit is one thing I think but committing to assisting with rent and utilities on an ongoing basis is setting a dangerous precedent imho. If you don't want her at home, and that is your call, I would volunteer to pay the deposit when she finds a place but make no mention of ongoing assistance. You can always help her out down the line if you see her trying to change things but struggling.
I think the best way you can support her is to look at how she can get the help she needs to get her life in track, rather than allowing her to rely on you.
Letting her move in isn't really helping her. I'd suggest going with her to the housing team at the council and finding out what benefits she's entitled too. I think she's probably entitled to help with rent for a room. She also needs some support with getting into full time work, there's lots of agencies out there who support with this, can you help her by pointing her in the right direction?
YANBU. Also, don’t agree to funding her rent etc. She’ll have to get over her issues with house sharing, what a load of nonsense. Help with deposit if you must, but nothing else. She’s probably anxious because she smokes weed. She’s been difficult to you in the past, she’ll do it again. I say all of this as someone who has a family member living with us part time and I have 2 kids. I wouldn’t contemplate the scenario you describe.
@Ember12 nice to see there is still decency left in this world.
OP I think you are being very unreasonable. This young woman needs help. If you leave her to it she is highly likely to develop other mental health problems. Could you not sit down with her and plan something whether it's helping her move into a flat share or with you for a short period. Could you not help her access the right services eg help with jobs, counselling, anxiety help groups rather than just turn your back on her? Would you do the same if it was your daughter?
Support yes, move in no. And she needs to ditch the weed. It won’t be helping her mental health.
Definitely don't let her move in. My mum and her partner are struggling with getting rid of their adult dependant children so that they can be free to move in together. My future stepbrother is 32 and quite content to take over his dad's house with his cats and his weed smoking but of course he's far too comfortable to want to stand on his own two feet
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