Birth mother drug addict is disgusting any advice ?

[meme70]

I’ve been with my husband 5 years
I have 3 children 22,18,13
He has a child 11

I’ve done everything for his child

His ex the child mother is a drug addict alcoholic which 3 years we begged social services to look into they said the house and kids are clean and tidy so no problem

Last year step father rang 111 nearly exactly a year ago begging for help with drink and drugs

Birth mother lied to everyone’s previously made out we are bad people and she’s a saint

She refuses to provide or buy anything for her children

So we had SD live here but social services were awful to us they sided with BM and all because the BM and SF apparently became ‘clean ‘ they wouldn’t communicate with our solicitor and said SD should live with her BM and so SD had to go back to BM 4 nights a week

BM seemed to get her act together but gradually showed signs of drug abuse again

Tonite SD rang my DH said mums on drugs she’s acting weird Stepdad came home 1 pm went to bed and wouldn’t take his head out from under duvet to talk to SD
DH and me told SD to come here she wouldn’t
So I messaged SD you need to come here and your dad will pick you up don’t tell your Mum as by then BM was off her face and I know she’s kick off bad at SD

Sadly SD then told her Mum I’m scared of you when you take drugs I’m going to Dads ( we live 10’minutes walk)
BM kicks off saying WHY WHY WHY WHY
Then told her daughter to f* off to your dads and never come back

So SD rang DH and she was walking here alone in the dark crying
DH went to collect her

BM rang DH phone I answered and BM was abusive to me calling me F@@@ Bitch she’s had enough and I can do her JOB she hang up then rang back calling me names and saying we are poisioning SD and I can do her fing job she doesn’t want her daughter Hung up
She was off her face

Social services don’t listen to us BM will lie again and no one believes us BM slates is to everyone and lies social services always prewarn here they are coming so BM goes clean 48 hours so tests are clean making us out to be liars

Not sure what to do solicitor won’t see DH inkess Social services say he should get court order to be SD carer

I know SD should be here and she is
I know BM is messed up

But no one believes us and SD gets made out to be a liar
Should SD see her BM ? Or Not ?

[Itsbecauseimaleo]

She needs to be removed from her mother's care immediately. No child should be in that environment. I'm amazed that social services are so useless. Can anyone drug test the birth mother? Then they would see your step daughter Is telling the truth ?

[Saladd0dger]

You need to go to court, maybe ask for a hair strand test? They can go back a few months with those. I know some drug addicts manage to get around urine sample tests.

[ElderflowerWaterIsDelish]

Can you record her phone calls as proof of what she is really like and what she is really saying ...(so you can play it to social services)...if birth mother is as bad as you say then you and fr should seek full custody, as this behaviour will have a damaging effect on your step daughter that could stretch into her adult life

[ElderflowerWaterIsDelish]

*you and DH ...not you and fr... autocorrect

[meme70]

Thankyou
SS are aonbad here they stopped telling us whatevs going on last year and all of a sudden they took SD off childbirth in need and stopped baby inviovemnet we weren’t told !!

SD is here for the foreseeable but what should we do SD wants to see her BM what do you do ?

BM was offbhwr face she abused me in the phone screamed F bitch at me saidbahes sixk if her child going there miserable and blames us ????
Legally your not allowed to tape anyone
I’m angry as years we’ve told SS what’s happening and they ignored us even did reports all was perfect at BM
Only when stepdad rang 111 begging forbseug and alchol help they stepped in and only for 4 months

We are at a loss what to do we tried going to court but SS told solicitor all wa greatvat BM

[meme70]

Sorry iPhone messed that last post up

[ObiJuanKenobi]

Do you have much RL support OP?

[meme70]

Sorry what’s RL ? Thanks

[meme70]

Is that rest life ? Sorry not sure what that means ?

[ObiJuanKenobi]

Oh I'm sorry I meant in 'real life' it sounds like you have an awful lot going on and could do with a proper good talk through with someone!

[Oswin]

A solicitor doesnt need social service to tell them anything. Someone has misinformed you.
You dont even need a solicitor to apply for residency.
Also its not illegal tp record people.

[meme70]

No real life except picking up the pieces of this child’s life

It is illegal to recurs someone we have had the police tell us.

I also can’t force my husband to do anything all I can do is suggest he tries again

The soicitor x 2 told us when SS are involved they have to write to solicitor to say the child needs to live with X parent
Social services didn’t
BM lies to everyone as addicts do
I grew up with a father who was a chronic alcoholic I married one my brother is one my best friend and hairdresser I know the lies they tell

[yorkshireyummymummy]

It’s not illegal to record somebody. The police have misinformed you.
If you want to use the recording in court or any legal matters then you have to advise the person they are being recorded ( like an insurance company does when you phone up ‘ we would like to advise you we are recording this call for training purposes’)
If she is off her head then she won’t give a damn thatyou are recording her. So tell her at the beginning of the call and maybe send her a solicitors letter telling her that every call she makes to you, your husband or your step,daughter (while she is in your care) will be recorded until further notice and that she is free to also record any calls you, husband or step daughter make to her. You have nothing to hide, she does and she will slip up.

[Oswin]

Was you there when the solicitor said this? Because its bullshit.
Yes you can force him. You tell him he goes to court or you leave him.

[yorkshireyummymummy]

Also, as your stepdaughter is 11 surely she has some say on who she lives with. I don’t understand why social services don’t believe her when she says what her life is like with her mother.

[crunchymint]

A mother taking drugs is not by itself reason to removed a child from her care. She has to not be taking proper care of them. You say yourself they are clean and fed. No one is going to take a kid away from their mother because the mother is abusive in the phone to her exes partner.

[crunchymint]

Also SS will have talked to the SD, school and anyone else involved.

[yorkshireyummymummy]

Although, there has been precedent set of covert recordings being allowed to be used in court if the judge thinks that they are relevant and if the person recording covertly had just reason to not inform the other party of the recording taking place.
I think your husband for some unknown reason is not giving you correct information with everything you have mentioned.

[crunchymint]

But if you record her being abusive to you OP, so what? They might advise you getting an order to stop her phoning you. But it won't change their mind about what is best for the child.
Lots of people are abusive to exes or exes partners. Not great behaviour, but not grounds to take a child away from them.
Also it sounds like you and your DH kept this child at your home against the mothers wishes and with no court order to allow this. That is illegal. Unless a child is in real danger, SS would take a dim view of this action. If a parent wants sole custody they have to go to the courts for this, not simply keep a child from the other parent.

[crunchymint]

Lastly you say OP you have done everything for this child. So it sounds like your DH who is the father has not stepped up to the plate here. SS would also take a dim view of this as he should be looking after his child and doing everything he can for her.

[Oswin]

Crunchy no its not illegal. The father has equal responsibility. If there is no court order then he can keep the child until a court orders him otherwise.
The childs wishes need to be listened to. To be Frank I don't think your fella actually wants his child living with him.

[crunchymint]

Ok stand corrected.

[newdaylight]

From SS point of view it will all be about evidence that your SD is being harmed and it appears there is not a huge amount of evidence for them. There is lots of evidence to you but if SD wants to protect her BM and tell SS everything is great, all that's left is your word and it probably makes it sound like her father and you are making things up when you tell them what's happening. That's the problem.

The main thing is if SD wants to live with you then there's no reason that won't happen. If not then she's going to protect her mum if ss get involved and there will be little evidence.

Also it doesn't sound like this has been the case here but in these kinds of cases SS would usually advise your DH that he's got parental responsibility so he should keep SD safe. Why the fuck should SS remove a child immediately as first poster suggested when the child has a father perfectly capable of doing just that? And just because SS said things were ok didn't mean DD had to go back, that was incorrect advice too. DH could have kept DD there and put responsibility on BM to apply for a court order. I would suggest that be his course of action now. DD is ultimately of an age where she might vote with her feet though so again, what she wants is crucial.

[newdaylight]

Also it sounds like you and your DH kept this child at your home against the mothers wishes and with no court order to allow this. That is illegal. Unless a child is in real danger, SS would take a dim view of this action.
Just no.
Absolutely not illegal.
I'm a social worker who's literally just advised that.

[crunchymint]

If the child wants to live with her mum though so many days, then surely that should be respected. She is old enough to decide this