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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Moving in together - how to divide the rooms? What is fair?

89 replies

BlueFlowerPot · 15/03/2018 23:13

So we are going to live as blended family in 3 weeks time. We have 3 boys between two of us, I have 12 year old, he has 10 year and 15 year old.

There are 3 rooms for the boys to choose from: regarding the size - small one, middle one and the biggest one. Small one and the biggest one are facing the south and get the sun, the middle one is facing the north, no sun at all.

Now, my son (12), lives with us full time. His boys (10, 15), come for half of the week. We will pay the rent equally half half.

Which room would you suggest that my son (that is full time with us) should have please so it is fair?

OP posts:

Report

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/03/2018 23:15

What are your step-sons' rooms like in their mum's house? Do they have their own rooms?

BlueFlowerPot · 15/03/2018 23:17

It theirs mum's house, the 15yo has a box room for himself and the 10yo shares a room with another step brother.

OP posts:

MelanieCheeks · 15/03/2018 23:18

Have you asked him which one he would like? I don't think having sun in a bedroom is necessarily an advantage.

inchoccyheaven · 15/03/2018 23:19

We went for the full time children having the biggest rooms and part time ones had the smallest. This meant ds2 got a bigger room than ds1 as ds1 spends half his time with his dad but ds2 is always with me.
My sd has also got similar size room to ds2 as she is here apart from some weekends she visits her dad.
I did feel a bit bad that my ds1 got a small room as he is the eldest of them all ( ages between 14-17) but he will be going to uni in Sept and he is only one to use a room we have downstairs with ps4 in so evens out really.
Good luck deciding. It's the start of many compromises!!

BunloafAndCrumpets · 15/03/2018 23:20

I never noticed things like having the sun as a child! What does he think?

HeddaGarbled · 15/03/2018 23:20

Your son gets first choice (because he is there full time) and your partner's oldest gets the next choice. I'm guessing your son will choose the biggest sunny room. Then the 15 year old has to weigh up whether he wants bigger or sunnier. His choice. Youngest still gets a decent room - either bigger than his brother's or sunnier than his brother's.

MandrakeLake · 15/03/2018 23:20

I'd ask them what they prefer. As you have stepsons 50:50 and they don't both have a room of their own at their mums I think you're going to have to draw straws. Keep in mind the 15 year old will be off to uni in 3 years and you can shift things around again then.

Solasum · 15/03/2018 23:20

I think biggest room for your DS as he is there all the one and it is his only room, middle room for 10yo as he doesn’t have his own space at the other house, and small room for the 15yo. Presumably he is out more with friends than the others and might be leaving home altogether in a few years

Solasum · 15/03/2018 23:21

*there all the time

SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2018 23:22

Could they just pick names out of a hat? There isn't a fair way really.
I'd say that full time resident gets first pick bit then how do you divide the rest?

Get them all to have a look and see if they agree? Any room only one person wants they get. Any room fight over gets picked our of a hat?

blaaake · 15/03/2018 23:23

Biggest, sunniest room for your DS as he lives there full time and will get the most use out of it. Eldest DSS gets to choose out of the other 2. Youngest will be buzzing to have his own room either way.

Glitterbaby17 · 15/03/2018 23:24

Agree the child there full time should have the biggest room. Then let 15 year old choose, with the understanding that when he goes to Uni 10 year old and him will swap

VanGoghsDog · 15/03/2018 23:24

Or have two share the big room, one has the middle room and leave the small room for gaming to keep the electronics out of the bedroom?

pallisers · 15/03/2018 23:24

I think it is important that your partner's sons feel that the home is as much theirs as your son who will live with you (and their dad) full-time.

So demonstrating fairness would be my priority.

Also you should try to find out how the boys would rank the rooms - they might actually sort it out themselves. For example, I don't think the boys will care much about sun in their bedrooms. When we moved to this house I wanted my oldest to take the biggest room - he wouldn't as he wanted to be closer to us (seems so unlikely now), the next one wouldn't take it because she loved the colour paint in the other room. So the youngest has the best room since age 2.

So I think I would sit them down and tell them if you can't agree we will allocate but which rooms would you prefer (asking 15 year old first, then 12 year old and then 10 year old) and see if there is some consensus. Then if they can't agree say "fine rooms are in order of age."

BlueFlowerPot · 15/03/2018 23:25

My honest opinion for the solution is, that my son should have the sunny biggest room, and his sons that are part time with us, should have the middle and the smallest room. But, to compromise, I can set for my son to have the middle non sun room (although my son full time with me has been living in a cold flat for last year and he really wishes for a sunny room). I tried to open this discussion with my partner. His first reaction was - it does not matter what child spends what time with us, they should decide it between them and be happy about it. I don't feel comfortable about that, that's why I raised this question here.

OP posts:

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 15/03/2018 23:27

They aren't her stepsons.

I think the youngest should get second choice...he already has to share with another child while the elder has his own room...wouldn't it be nice for him not to come last for a change?

MelanieCheeks · 15/03/2018 23:29

Is it likely that the 3 of them would be able to have that sort of negotiation between themselves? Nice idea in theory, but realistically what might happen.

VanGoghsDog · 15/03/2018 23:34

Well, maybe tell them they can sort it out between them (surely if they all agree, it doesn't matter to you which they have if they are genuinely happy) and if that doesn't work, draw straws!

Somerville · 15/03/2018 23:34

It's unfortunate the two of you are in disagreement over such a crucial issue only 3 weeks before moving in together. Does that mean that you're blending the families without enough time and thought, or have you been disagreeing about this for ages?
I don't think strangers on the internet can answer a question that you and your boyfriend are at stalemate over - even if everyone backed up your view of Ft resident child getting best bedroom it's pointless, as your boyfriend would still disagree.

The fairest thing would be to say they all switch every 6 months. Or to offer an inducement for those with smaller bedrooms - a brand new cabin bed for the one with smallest bedroom, for example?

BlueFlowerPot · 15/03/2018 23:36

Ladies, what is bothering me mainly is the attitude of my partner. It always have felt he wants the best for his children first. I wish he would say "lets your son choose the room first, he is here all the time", and my boys will decide the other rooms between them." But no, he had more of an defensive reaction when I raised that comment that my son is full time with us, then he reacted " oh well it does not matter the boys should decide between them". That's my issue, I don't find that fair:/

OP posts:

pallisers · 15/03/2018 23:37

I wouldn't have them negotiate with each other but I also wouldn't presume that they each want the rooms in the ranking OP gave. Might possibly be the 15 year old will say "i have my stuff at home so small room and a bed is fine for me" or 10 year old might want room next to his dad's. You never know. I'd at least ask.

They aren't her stepsons but the truth is these children are in a situation where they live with each other in some intimacy as a family. And the 2 "step sons" seem to be in a blended situation in their other home too. They didn't get to make that decision to move in - the adults did. If it were me, I'd be anxious that one side didn't feel less favoured than the other.

I am particularly conscious of the fact that the 12 year old will from now on live full-time with the other boys' father. Maybe people who have been through this will say this won't matter that much but it would matter to me and make me feel odd that my dad lived with him all the time but not with me. If that boy also got the biggest sunniest room in the house ...

TooSassy · 15/03/2018 23:37

This is a landmine.
Option 1) draw straws. Completely fair and can your put in an option to rotate once a year?
Option 2) they decide. May the best man win.
Option 3) you decide. But this only works if both you and your DP can agree off the bat (which I don’t think you can right?

At a logical level, if this was me. I’d say the child living there FT gets first pick. But then I ask myself how I’d feel if my DP’s DC’s were suddenly to be here more and my DP on that basis said. Hold on, your DC’s aren’t here 40% of the time so my DC’s should get the bigger/ better bedrooms. I wouldn’t like it one bit. And it would really eat away at me overtime. No one wants their Dc’s To be second best. And this would feel like that.

The best way forward as one family is to see if the kids can work it out for themselves. You never know, the kids may absolutely say, that your DC should get to pick first.....

If they can’t. I’d go to pure random straws (with the option of rotating).

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sidewayswithatescotrolley · 15/03/2018 23:39

what is bothering me mainly is the attitude of my partner

it should be. Are you quite sure you are ready to live together? Are you sure your son is?

TooSassy · 15/03/2018 23:40

Blue flower pot, this is going to happen for the rest of your lives. This simple bedroom issue will replicate time and time and time again in other ways.

You have to talk to your DP about this and communicate your way through it. Otherwise this is why so many ‘blendings’ fail.

Did you both talk about how you’d tackle things like this before making the decision to move in together?

pallisers · 15/03/2018 23:41

I always have felt he wants the best for his children first

With the greatest respect, of course he does. They are his priority.

You do too. You want your son to have the bigger sunnier bedroom because you think he deserves it after being in a dark flat.

You are both right but this isn't going to work in a blended situation unless you both talk about what is underlying this - it isn't bedrooms - the fact that each of you have love your own son(s) and want the best for them and if you live together that may clash.

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