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AIBU to think this is mildly insane?

(18 Posts)
Goldilocks3Bears Tue 13-Mar-18 13:30:00

Long story short: XH had severe manopause and left a few years ago for a younger model. Since then been trying to 'mould' her into a full on mothering role, introduced kids to her 5 weeks after leaving, referring to her as "stepmum" after six months despite not even living together

He has never ever asked to have them more and every time I ask for help due to work or other, there is an excuse. When he does decide to get involved with the children, it's largely to have a go at me.

So here is the situation: we have parents' evening tonight and he either forgot it was on or work happened - either way, he's not in town. He said she was available to go so he could get a 'full update' which I declined and said I'd be very capable of going alone and would provide him with a "full update" myself.

He has now turned around saying that she should get recognition for her "investment in the children" and he was considering applying for a "parental responsibility order" via the courts.

Children live with me full time, they have them two weekends a month and half holidays although he tends to farm them out to his parents.

This sounds insane to me - your thoughts are welcome.

* Before you comment though, please note that this is not about her. I'm happy for her to build a good relationship with the kids, less happy about him outsourcing his parental duties to her bit by bit, and very unhappy about him proposing to make her some sort of legal parent *

SomeKnobend Tue 13-Mar-18 13:36:28

He sounds a complete bell end. Let him apply to the court for whatever he wants, it's his time and money to waste.

Bluebell878275 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:43:35

I'm all for a step-parent being involved but he is being ridiculous - he won't get anywhere with that threat.

Winosaurus Tue 13-Mar-18 13:44:59

Are they married? Do they have kids together? How much involvement does she actually have? I highly doubt the courts would grant a “parental responsibility order” to a non-parent in these circumstances.
They’re usually only granted to people who take on the full-time care of children who aren’t theirs - like grandparents or stepparents when the biological parents aren’t around or a part of the children’s lives

Magda72 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:49:07

YANBU - thats bonkers stuff. As pp have said let him run off to court - he won't get what he wants.
He's either doing the guilt thing, fueling her need to be seen playing happy families, or both.
My exh tried similar in the early days. I stood my ground at every turn & once his dp got pregnant she lost all interest in trying to parent my kids (ironically she's a much better sm for it).
Stand firm and stay strong - he/they don't have a leg to stand on.

Prettylovely Tue 13-Mar-18 13:50:05

How strange, I dont believe he would be able to get PR for her, He sounds really dim.
I am a SM I wouldnt let my dh treat his ex like that.

HappyFeet1212 Tue 13-Mar-18 14:12:25

YANBU, it's not appropriate for her to go, whether she he has PR or not.
He's just sabre rattling, ignore him. Make sure you keep a copy of all correspondence though.
The school may also take issue with his request. Might be worth having a quiet word with them & obtaining any policy docs they might have.
To be honest, I sort of feel sorry for her, does she even want to go? I wonder how long it will take her to realise that her is a twat? Me v2.0 was a lovely girl. It took her 10 years to figure out my ex

HappyFeet1212 Tue 13-Mar-18 14:13:24

wow, world of typos there..opps

SandyY2K Tue 13-Mar-18 14:20:11

He's more than insane. What a fool.

NorthernSpirit Tue 13-Mar-18 14:25:08

There is no way a court would grant this woman PR. Let him waste his time and money with his idle threats.

As far as parents evening goes - this is crossing the line on her part. Your children’s education has nothing to do with her. If he can’t attend an update from you would suffice.

Goldilocks3Bears Tue 13-Mar-18 14:54:56

@winosaurus so they have them every second weekend and half the holidays. He sometimes works shifts over the weekend so she has them then. Since it all kicked off a few years ago, there has been a constant drive to make her 'step mum' but they are not married (waiting for that announcement as he just had his money out of the divorce) and there are no other children. Her involvement is helping look after them as above and he's also roped her into some volunteering stuff he does for our school.

He has always made zero concessions for the kids, always putting work first, so I did the bulk of parenting on my own (on top of my own full time employment) which makes this even more bizarre, but he is bizarre and a total control freak and there is a lot of guilt floating around.

swingofthings Tue 13-Mar-18 17:20:52

A step-parent can apply for PR and get it IF both parents are happy with the decision. When one refuses, there would have to be very good grounds for a judge to grant it against the wish of that parent. Him working away at times won't be enough. Them not being married will make it even less likely. He is being delusional!

Bananasinpyjamas11 Tue 13-Mar-18 17:38:01

Very provocative and silly of him. She won’t get parental responsibility if you don’t want it.

I’m a SM and I would not want this Mum role pushed on my or the step kids. Recipe for disaster. She’ll probably feel involved and special at first, until the reality sinks in over the years, which is being a SM is tough and not that fulfilling!

I think let him bluster around, you can’t control his actions but you can just let him fizzle out. You are the Mum, nothing can change that. He sounds like he’s pretty full of himself!

overnightangel Tue 13-Mar-18 17:41:20

What is a “manopause?”

lynmilne65 Tue 13-Mar-18 18:26:08


The1975 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:18:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493413286 Wed 14-Mar-18 08:14:28

That’s bizarre; there is no need for her to come to parents evening when you can tell him and I don’t believe he can apply for any kind of parental responsibility for her! A court wouldn’t do it and I don’t think there’s a way of doing it when both parents with legal responsibility already care for the children. It’s also incredibly unlikely that she would get parental responsibility even if they were married. Ignore him as he’s making it up.
As a stepmum my “ recognition for my investment in my DSD” is getting to have a relationship with her and getting to be involved in her life.
It’s more insulting to your children that he’s trying to pass off his responsibilities onto someone else.

KellyanneConway Thu 15-Mar-18 09:56:35

My step children have lived with me & my husband full time for about 2 years, we are their main carers, their mum has limited, supervised only contact and still I don't go to parents evening or have PR.
Just wouldn't occur to me to attempt either, I'm too busy doing the everyday tasks that are needed to bring them up in a healthy, happy way. Seems this is all about your ex and his gf rather than what is in in the children's best interests.

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