Does it need to be every weekend ?

(37 Posts)
Everyotherweekend Tue 13-Mar-18 08:13:56

Advice needed, we have SS eow and time through the week, which varies depending on needs of DH and his ex's work. However this is now the 6th consecutive weekend we've had DSS. I understand we've have family visiting and he wants to see them (my family not DH) However it's the only weekend we have the opportunity I would have to spend time with my family in an adults only setting. I want to go on a day trip with just my family, then out for dinner in the evening. Followed by a low key Sunday, Sunday lunch etc. DH wants us to move the day trip to Sunday, for me to watch DSS on Friday while he goes out, take DSS to sport training on the sat, for him to come with us to dinner, then day trip on Sunday. Am I being unreasonable to want one weekend for myself with my family? DH has gone in the huff, because I suggested one weekend without DSS.

OP’s posts: |
ArnoldBee Tue 13-Mar-18 08:16:21

You have a DH problem not a DSS problem. DH needs to look after his own child this weekend and leave you to it.

endofthelinefinally Tue 13-Mar-18 08:16:55

No yiu are not being unreasonable.
It is not your responsibility to look after your husband's child at all.
He is using you as child care.

RandomMess Tue 13-Mar-18 08:41:55

Whilst I think your DH is being unreasonable here, it does say clearly that you don't think of DSS as part of your family, how would you feel if your future DC were included from family events?

AvonCallingBarksdale Tue 13-Mar-18 08:45:31

I’m not sure if it was the intention but I’ve totally read that OP as you feeling that DSS is just in the way sad. Yes your DH should be looking after his own DS but you wouldn’t expect your “own” DC to keep out of the way would you? It comes across very much as two separate families.

catsmother Tue 13-Mar-18 08:58:03

Hold on, your DH wants you to look after his son on Friday evening, presumably so HE can go out in an adult setting - but you're not allowed to have similarly grown up time for yourself? Talk about hypocritical! He has far far more of an obligation towards spending time with his son than you do, yet, according to the timetable he wants to impose on you next weekend, it would appear that you'll be spending more time with his son than he is.
You're NOT being unreasonable in wanting some relatively rare adult time with your family. I can remember odd occasions when my parents wanted time on their own, or with friends, and I'd be shipped off to an aunt or grandparent. I never once thought I wasn't part of the family - instead I just accepted that sometimes adults wanted to do things where children would either alter the dynamic, or where they wouldn't be allowed to participate anyway, or where it wouldn't be appropriate. Countless families operate like that - it's only in step families where stepparents having the temerity to want the same are guilt tripped by being accused of excluding their step children. Providing the family dynamic is otherwise healthy this really shouldn't be an issue at all .... and in any case, if you spent child free time with your family, your SS would be spending one to one time with his own father, which is usually seen as vitally important when parents live apart from their kids. So what's his problem?

HoppingPavlova Tue 13-Mar-18 09:01:09

Your DH can take his DS out on Sunday and you go out with your family. Easily solved.


The1975 Tue 13-Mar-18 09:06:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Everyotherweekend Tue 13-Mar-18 09:06:13

@AvonCallingBarksdale and @RandomMess. To be clear I live overseas, I have my elderly parents with me for 7 weeks. We have included DSS in every, single event so far and will for the next 2/3 weekends. All I am asking is one weekend with them alone. And thanks for rubbing the 'if you had your own DC ....' comment in. I have been trying TTC for years and that's hurtful, trust me I'd love to have my own DC to pack off to a mates for a sleep over so I could have a day/evening with my mum and dad.

OP’s posts: |
Bellamuerte Tue 13-Mar-18 09:37:46

Imo every weekend is unreasonable. Why should his mum have weekends free while you babysit her child? Tell your DH you can't commit to more than every other weekend, so if he accepts responsibility for weekends that aren't "yours" then he needs to handle childcare by himself. He will keep putting this burden on you if you keep letting him get away with it!

Wdigin2this Tue 13-Mar-18 10:17:36

I understand how you feel, so tell your DH, you're going ahead with your plans for a family weekend, if his DS comes over, you'll happily involve him in the Sunday lunch,'ll be leaving DH to look after his (own) DS on Friday and Saturday! Don't get into an argument over it, smile pleasantly all the while, but get on with your own plan...don't give in!

Handsfull13 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:24:51

I think you sound perfectly reasonable to want adult time with your family. If my family get togethers don't fall on the week we have my step son then unfortunately he misses out. If it's an important one we ask for him to come back early but only when it's right for us.
It's made worse by your husband wanting to have his son but also ditch him with you so he can have adult time. Tell him he is being selfish and if he wants his son then they can have some father son time while you get some time with your parents. If he insists on having his son then make sure you say in front of his son that he gets one on one time this weekend while you take your parents out.

Everyotherweekend Tue 13-Mar-18 11:10:59

It's tough because SS mum is struggling at the min and we've been trying to help as much as we can. So I seem really selfish for wanting one adult only weekend. Also it's our anniversary, I've already agreed that DH can play sport on the Friday night, but feel there should be a compromise on the Saturday. Not ferrying DSS to clubs then not having an adult focused meal. (Baby sitter not an option as we've never used one)

OP’s posts: |
Everyotherweekend Tue 13-Mar-18 11:13:22

@Wdigin2this agree with the no argument piece. That was exactly my mum's advice. However for us to do the day trip I need the car, I fear DH will pull rank and demand the car to take DSS to his club. ....... so we can't really go and do the activities in mind without one.

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NotAllTimsWearCapes Tue 13-Mar-18 11:13:27

No, your DH needs to do the ferrying and he needs to take DSS somewhere to give you and your family some alone time. Or at very least keep DSS occupied at home whilst you and your family go out.

Everyotherweekend Tue 13-Mar-18 11:20:44

It's not our weekend to have DSS, it's our anniversary - why can't I spend time with him ?

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RandomMess Tue 13-Mar-18 11:22:10

With the full picture than it's very clear just how unreasonable your H is being, I think I've read some of your previous posts and he really does seem to expect you to do all the day to day parenting of his DS and his lifestyle choices are paramount and come before your and DSS' needs.

thanksfor the TTC, as I tried to explain the way you worded your OP would leave you open to that sort of criticism.

NotAllTimsWearCapes Tue 13-Mar-18 11:23:17

Oh I missed that. Ok so you need to ask your DH that. Why hasn’t he organised a babysitter or told DSS Mum he can’t have him?

RandomMess Tue 13-Mar-18 11:26:20

Perhaps now is the time to start using a babysitter? It's not like you only occasionally have DSS so there isn't really a reason not to? Look into babysitting agencies and ring around etc. I'd consider sorting it yourself this time and presenting it as s done deal.

Chugalug Tue 13-Mar-18 11:27:36

I don't know about step mum..sounds like yr doing way more than his actual mum...I think yr getting walked on/ over..

Everyotherweekend Tue 13-Mar-18 11:28:31

We've never used a baby sitter with DSS. DH has huge guilt as his lifestyle with his mum and us is polar opposite. He hasn't told his ex yet that we can't have him. It's more the constant expectation .... emailed DH today - let's do this on Saturday then go for dinner. DH reply - great, I'll check if DSS can come as he'd really like that - but we need to do it Sunday. Me ... erm no, I though we'd have a bit of time ourselves ..... result radio silence.

OP’s posts: |
The1975 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:52:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova Tue 13-Mar-18 11:53:29

Now I’m even more confused.

You have family with you and with sports training etc it sounds as though SS is not a young child.

So, you mind SS on Fri night while DH goes out. Your parents (or whoever is staying with you) minds SS on Sat evening while you and DH go out for anniversary meal. Minding an older child only involves being in the same house and policing the tv, not like a younger one so if there are people there already they should be happy to assist in this regard. Then you go out and have time with your family on Sun while DH minds SS.

catsmother Tue 13-Mar-18 11:56:02

I feel really cross on your behalf. Guilt in dads who live apart from their kids isn't unknown but in your case it looks as if it's pulled out when you don't agree to his plans, yet funnily enough HE doesn't feel guilt when he's off doing something he wants to do on his own.
I should imagine he has far more opportunity to participate in sport than you do to spend adult time with your elderly parents if you only see them infrequently. He's not being fair, and 'pulling rank' on the car, if you need it for a rare trip out with them, would actually be incredibly mean.

thethoughtfox Tue 13-Mar-18 11:58:03

Your husband needs to spend the weekend with his son and cancel his night out.

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