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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

photos in our home

42 replies

Rosebud4 · 12/03/2018 14:10

After a lot of time in court, our DD spends roughly equal time with Mum and Dad.

In the past, Mum has sent DD with photos of her and instructed us that DD should sleep with them. However, DD does not want to sleep with the photos and keeps them in a toy box instead. She knows where they are, she gets them when she wants them.
Mum found out and was not happy (accused us for hiding them!) and for a little while chased DD every day to ask where the photos were and to remind her to 'kiss them before she goes to sleep' . DD didn't like being checked up on so she started to pretend that she didn't know where they were.

Couple of months later, DD has turned up with a specially made photo fridge magnet of them and has been instructed to put it on our fridge. DD has done so.
Again, we have no problems with DD keeping photos of Mum (we've asked her a few times if she'd like some framed in her room)...but AIBU to think that was a little overly pushy of Mum - to get something specially made to be displayed on the fridge (not somewhere DD is often). There's no indication from DD that this is something she wants, just "Mum says..."

For context, our relationship with Mum is as bad as it could get (EA, DV you name it, she did it) but now that there's boundaries in place, it's much improved. Although we still put up with her telling DD this is not her 'real home' that Dad doesn't do things right etc.
We will just put up with the photo but I wanted to hear from others...it's not really ok behaviour from Mum, is it? If we sent the equivalent to Mum's house to go on her fridge, she would be raging...

OP posts:

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SavoyCabbage · 12/03/2018 14:17

Get her a magnetic whiteboard in her bedroom and stick the magnet on there. Does your dh have a good enough relationship to suggest a photo pillow case?

That’s what I would do. Play her at her own game.

GlitterBurps · 12/03/2018 14:19

I wouldn’t have her picture on my fridge. She’s trying to control your home. I agree with having her pic in child’s bedroom as I did with my step son.

Rosebud4 · 12/03/2018 14:22

I spat out my tea laughing at the suggestion of a photo pillow case! Mum would probably 'lose' it mysteriously...I'd pay good money to see her reaction though!

A magnet whiteboard is a good idea, thank you.

OP posts:

Prettylovely · 12/03/2018 14:24

She sounds really weird
I agree with pp get a whiteboard and put it on there in her room.

NorthernSpirit · 12/03/2018 14:26

What goes on in your home has nothing to do with the mother (just as you can’t dictate what goes on in her home).

The mother sounds quite controlling and this isn’t healthy for anyone (the child, you, or the mothers mental health).

If the child wants pictures of her mum in her room, fine. But I wouldn’t have pictures of the mother anywhere else in the house.

I have 2 DSC who have been upset in my he past that the mum won’t let them have any pictures of the dad. Even checks the oldest phone and deletes pictures. I think this is cruel. We don’t stoop to the mothers level and i’m fine with the kids having photos of their mum (not that they want to or seem bothered). I certainly wouldn’t have her mug stating at me from the fridge!

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 12/03/2018 14:27

You could leave it on the fridge and draw a moustache and glasses etc on it. Alternatively you could attach it to a dart board.

BiddyPop · 12/03/2018 14:29

Yup, whiteboard in her room with lots of (regular) magnets to attach what DC wants to attach, and give her plenty of both pics of mum (already in her box), of dad and yourself doing fun stuff together (with her), pics of extended family, and things that otherwise interest her without any of you in them (so if she does, say, horseriding, a photo of her favourite horse or instructor, or a fun photo from a classmate's birthday party, or the kids on the street making a snowman...). So it's a mix of you both and things nothing directly to do with either of you - but more about your DD and HER interests and circle of friends/family, not just about Mum. Then Mum is there, but just gets lost in the mix of things.

Magda72 · 12/03/2018 14:30

What @GlitterBurps says. With that on YOUR fridge it's a subtle reminder to you of her existence every time you reach for the milk.
She's being extremely manipulative - the whiteboard in the bedroom is the way to go.

BiddyPop · 12/03/2018 14:31

Oh, and nice pics she likes - a stunning sunset, a sandy beach, nice forest, ....nothing to do with anything kinds of pictures, or not related to anything she does, just things she likes the look of.

LizzieSiddal · 12/03/2018 14:31

My worry is that the child doesn’t want photos of her mum in her room as she’s already out ohotis in the toy box, so I wouldn’t buy a magnetic board for her bedroom.

I’d keep the magnet on the fridge, so DD doesn’t have to explain where it is to Mum, but I’d “accidentally” cover it with something else.

Rosebud4 · 12/03/2018 14:37

I'm the chef of the house so now I have to see her face multiple times a day and she doesn't exactly fill me with joy...

On the other hand, we're super cautious to never let on to DD that there's bad feelings between us, no matter how crazy Mum gets, we just try to absorb it for her. So I worry that by moving the magnet to a whiteboard in her room, DD might think that her 'belongings' are not welcome in the kitchen (although there are no other photo magnets on the fridge, just regular ones)

OP posts:

BubbleAndSquark · 12/03/2018 14:39

I would pop it on the fridge for now, then give her an identical one for her fridge of DSD and her dad. If it doesn't end up on the mums fridge then take hers off yours and she can't make a fuss!

Rosebud4 · 12/03/2018 14:40

It might be that DD does like this magnet being on the fridge...she's just not said it, she did the robotic "Mum says..." thing, placed it on the fridge, and walked off. So I assumed she wasn't attached to it, I could be wrong though.

OP posts:

Shockers · 12/03/2018 14:43

Make a tiny pair of curtains for the photo...

SomeKnobend · 12/03/2018 14:47

No fucking way would I have that on the fridge. If the relationship can't get any worse, what do you gain from this nonsense. Send it back with note "we are not having your face our fridge" weirdo.

SomeKnobend · 12/03/2018 14:48

@shockers I did laugh! That would almost tempt me to keep the fucking thing. Almost.

HappyFeet1212 · 12/03/2018 14:48

Jesus the woman is bonkers.

You sound lovely but be extra careful about boundaries as you have already said, this woman will constantly try to overstep the mark. She will always be looking for a fight, people like this LOVE the drama & don't give a fig if their own children are damaged in the process.
I would imagine that she will feel that she has 'won' re the fridge magnet, prepare to say no to the next request as it will be even more outrageous.

You have my sympathy in having to deal with her.

LizzieSiddal · 12/03/2018 14:52

Today 14:40 Rosebud4

It might be that DD does like this magnet being on the fridge...she's just not said it, she did the robotic "Mum says..." thing, placed it on the fridge, and walked off. So I assumed she wasn't attached to it, I could be wrong though.

As I said, just “accidentally” cover it over with a school letter/shopping list/calendar.
I bet DD won’t notice it’s not on show but she doesn’t need to lie and say it isn’t on the fridge if her mum asks.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 12/03/2018 14:54

How about a lovely big dart board and you can put all her photos on that??!

Rosebud4 · 12/03/2018 14:58

Make a tiny pair of curtains for the photo...

I love this idea...then it will be cute and crafty and out of my sight!

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Rosebud4 · 12/03/2018 15:02

@HappyFeet1212
Thank you, you have somehow described her without meeting her! Unfortunately she is quite good at setting up these situations so that they happen through DD and we would have to say no to DD, rather than Mum.

OP posts:

sugarycerealfan · 12/03/2018 15:10

Very strange behaviour
We have DSD 4 nights a week and I wouldn't dream of having photos of her DM in my house!

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HappyFeet1212 · 12/03/2018 15:13

@Rosebud4 unfortunately I have had to deal another who is just the same. DV, threats, etc.
They do understand boundaries though, but will always try to cross them. Remember to always report anything illegal to the police so you have a record (just in case it gets to the harassment stage. Always go down the criminal, not civil route).
Good luck. xx

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 12/03/2018 15:16

How very odd! Can you put it down the side of the fridge and say to SD why don’t you have this as your special mummy corner and draw her a picture or something else and then take it home.

If mum questions it - big eyes and be like oh we just gave her somewhere special to put it.

Or just chuck it in a drawer when she leaves

SandyY2K · 12/03/2018 16:29

This is madness....there's not a cat in hells chance I'd put in on my fridge. She can't demand that you put it on your fridge...I certainly wouldn't.

DD can have it by her bedside. I've never heard such nonsense.

I do feel for you having to deal with this crazy behaviour.

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