Daughter won’t let new boyfriend near me

[Alexandraema]

My daughters dad has never been in her life so it has always been me and her.

I have now met a new partner and although she loves him, she will not leave us in a room together on our own, or let us be next to each other, to the point where she will sit in between us, everywhere, won’t let us touch etc

This is proving VERY difficult at bedtime if he stays over, meaning a stand off and physical battle until the early hours of the morning with a very stubborn 9 year old.

I have tried the usual forms of punishment (taking phone/iPad/luxury items off her) I have also tried offering rewards for going to bed properly. None seem to work. To the point where she kicks and screams and screams an ungodly scene for hours on end. I have also laid with her until she falls asleep (she wakes up and comes back in)

She loves my new partner, and has even asked if he can be her dad. But I just can’t see why we can’t be alone together.

If anyone has any advice, tips on dealing with it and forms of punishment reward to try, it would be gratefully appreciated.

[NorthernSpirit]

It doesn’t sound like she needs punishment, she needs reassurance, and to know she’s loved.

How long have you and your partner been together?

She’s gone from being your number one priority to moving down in the pecking order (in her mind). Do you spend any time together doing fun things? Give her reassurance.

I’m a SM and was in the other side of this. Met the DSC when they were 6 & 9. No problem at all with the youngest (boy). But with the oldest she would sit next to her dad all the time, make a point in restaurants that he had to sit next to her, would hold his hand when walking, want to sit in the front seat of the car when we were all together. I took it in my stride and saw a little girl who had gone from daddy’s number one girl to having to share. It’s not a competition. It does get better.

[lunar1]

How new is new?

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

She sounds insecure rather than deliberately naughty. Sitting between mum and "dad" is probably something that she's fantasized about and could she be worried that your partner will suddenly disappear while she is asleep like her Dad did?

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

She may be worried that you love him more than her too in which case lots of time and reassurance is needed.

[Blackteadrinker77]

I think punishment is the last thing you should be doing.

Can your partner take her out alone somewhere she enjoys? Get to really know her?

[Pointlessfacts]

Keep reminding her how much you love her & how your love for her and love for "dad" is different.

[MandrakeLake]

Hmm yes she does need reassurance but she also needs boundaries. No way I'd be letting her kick off at bedtime. I'd explain it and then keep to a routine and not waver. She gets up you put her back. No conversation. She will give up.

[ButteredScone]

He should stop staying over for a bit and then reintroduce it gradually.

Definitely, definitely no punishment.

[NerrSnerr]

How new is new? She sounds really insecure.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Omg my daughter was exactly the same at 9, I almost ended the relationship over it.

This is what worked for us. Whenever he walked in after work and came in to give me a hug, he included her in our hug. Consistent behaviour from us- showing mg affection that each other as you want her to know what a healthy adult relationship looks like, but with loads of affection from BOTH of you to her too. Absolutely no punishment, this is pure insecurity.

My dd has now grown up and we recently discussed what she was like when she was 9. She thanked me for persevering with her and not ending my relationship, because otherwise she would not have her beloved stepdad whom she loves as her parent.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Sorry for typos.. *showimg affection to each other

[hotcrossbunsandtea]

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

[DontDrinkDontSmoke]

Invite new boyfriend round after DD’s bedtime?

[italiancortado]

Context. How new?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It sounds very intense and high emotions. The fact that she calls him Dad is also worrying so early on. I think you need to say more

• is this totally out of character, is this new behaviour?
  
• how long have you been with new bf?
  
• is he living with you?
  

It’s extreme behaviour but if I were you I’d tackle this as much as you can without directly being in conflict with your daughter. See your bf at a time your daughter is at school, or with a childminder. Calm it all down. Have some time with your bf and daughter where you are together but calm, e.g. going to a movie, where you don’t do any hand holding etc. Then when things are calmer, introduce one evening a week where bf comes for the evening, but it’s completly clear that she goes to bed, but you give her a reward for doing this e.g. staying up with her light on for an hour in bed, and you checking her every hour. Ignore screaming completely.