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Ex-wife has the power over our marriage using her daughter!! Help!!

(10 Posts)
Hereforhelp Sun 04-Mar-18 13:51:37

Hi, I'm new on mumsnet. (I love it though, there's literally an answer for everything lol)

Ok so this is about my Aunty. She is married with her childhood friend. They're both young (31y & 33y) and it's gonna be 2 years this summer. They don't have kids together, my Aunty doesn't have kids at all, but He has a daughter, 5. He was married before but it never worked out.

Since the husband divorced with his x, she (ex) shut him out compeletely and this really hurt him as he is abroad and he deeply cares for his daughter (but he still carried on giving his daughter child maintenance despite the circumstances). Now 3 years on since he has been shut out, his x wife got back in touch with him and started allowing communications between him and his daughter. This was a year on since he married my Aunty. DP is so thrilled and feels like his walking on eggshells, doesn't want to break the communication again with his daughter. His x didn't know that he was married when she started talking to him again so he told her.

Now the problem started when X started texting and talking to him on the phone everyday (it's understandable since it's the only way to talk to his daughter) but my Aunty told him to set some boundaries. To set a certain time during the day in which he will talk to his daughter, and not have back and forth conversations with his x through texts and calls etc but he still carried on doing it (behind her back, convo was just about their child tho) and he was genuinely confused as to why she (Aunty) wasn't happy for him to have finally be talking to his daughter. He doesn't understand that it's not the daughter she's concerned with but the x. And aunt loves his daughter and she loves kids every one knows that about her.

So the peak thing happened recently, x-wife started demanding for somethings from DP for their daughter & in the end she threatened to block him everywhere if he "Is too busy with his so called wife" shock.

DP now confused, as this is not the first time x threatens him using their child and he feels vulnerable that he'll never be able to talk to his child ever again if he doesn't do what the x wants and he always does it as soon as he can no delays. And what's worse now, x wife started to intervene with his personal life and his current wife. Aunty got mad and told him how wrong this is and how he should stand his grounds or else his x wife will always be taking an advantage of him like like this and it's mean to use their daughter in the process. DP didn't stand up to his x and he let it pass. Now my aunt is just worried that soon she will no longer have a peaceful marriage with her husband as the x has the over all power over him and soon (hopefully not) will have power over their whole marriage and lives!

Sorry for the massive essay!! But if anyone has had any experience with a similar situation please help. As I think DP is clueless himself and I don't know what my Aunty can do to help ease out the situation and have it less frustrating!! Thank you in advance!!

Ps yes I am super close to my Aunty 😂 We are only few years apart and tell each other absolutely everything lol.

OP’s posts: |
Auspiciouspanda Sun 04-Mar-18 13:57:02

Why doesn’t he live in the same country as his daughter?

stitchglitched Sun 04-Mar-18 13:58:00

Does he live in a different country to his 5 year old? If so who moved abroad?

Hereforhelp Sun 04-Mar-18 14:05:32

He lives in Europe and wife in U.K. She moved to Europe with him but after divorce moved back as her whole family is in uk.

OP’s posts: |
Belindabauer Sun 04-Mar-18 14:05:48

I think he should speak to his daughter at set times say 6pm on an evening or whenever is mutually convenient .
He needs to stop answering the phone to her at other times once this has been established.
For times when he isnt speaking t his daughter, set up an email accout.

stitchglitched Sun 04-Mar-18 14:11:55

Has he seen his daughter at all in 3 years? What legal steps has he taken to re-establish contact? If he is basically a stranger to his child then I'm not sure how he can expect to reconnect with her without engaging with her mother.

WhiteCat1704 Sun 04-Mar-18 14:23:49

Your aunt is understandably pissed off. Their marriage will not survive unless he sets boundaries with his ex. But I get why he wants to have contact with his child too...
Nobody will be happy in a current set up. Him gping behind his wifes back is just plain wrong and proves they don't comminicate and there is an issue with respect...

In my opinion changes need to be made or the marriage won't survive...Couples therapy is what they need. Ex and daughter coming in between them is a huge stress and they need help to handle it..

Hereforhelp Sun 04-Mar-18 14:36:49

@ stichglitch
He hasn't taken any legal steps towards their relationship, but he isn't a complete stranger in a sense that he would fly in the U.K. For his daughters birthdays he would turn up at the front door on the day as the mother wouldn't talk to him about anything stopped everyone from giving him her numbers etc. So the only way was to actually go to uk unexpectedly and turn up on the front door. He has done this so many times almost all of his daughters birthdays, with presents etc. When ex wife established back communications just recently he flew in again just a month after to see he's daughter again. So he isn't much of a complete stranger. He lived with his daughter and his ex wife together for 2-3 years straight before they divorced as well.

@whitecat&belinda yes boundaries are a must and a good idea! Thanks! he knows this but he justifies the whole situation to him being afraid of sabotaging the "chance" his been given now to keep up with his daughter by the mother of he steps up. It's frustrating to say the least.

OP’s posts: |
PotteringAlong Sun 04-Mar-18 14:40:24

I Think he should move back to the UK

Bananasinpyjamas11 Mon 05-Mar-18 10:06:10

I would be tempted to go to court and set up some kind of sensible access.

At the moment it’s crazy. The mother acts as if she can start or stop contact at any time, leaving both the DH and your Aunt at her whim, that will destroy their relationship and won’t be a good way to build up a relationship with the child. It only works through the mother if there are fair terms and no manipulation.

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