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(40 Posts)
TwoDots Wed 28-Feb-18 18:48:27

I have posted on here before about various issues with the ex and it continues unfortunately. My partner is a good man and he's at a loss what to do

My partner has assessed the contact arrangement and has asked for a small tweak which he feels would benefit DSD. The current arrangement is on an alternate cycle...

Every other Sunday he picks up Dsd at 5pm. He has her through until weds.

The other every other Sunday, DSD is dropped off at 10am. Again he has her through until weds.

The arrangement is ok but it has its issues. On the 10am, she is often late bring dropped off, School bits are often forgotten. It then takes a while for DSD to settle in and by the time she has, most of the morning is gone. He can't really do things with her or take her out etc. The other days are school days and DSD 5 is in clubs, activities, and before and after school care. On the 5pm Sundays DSD is absolutely exhausted. She arrives very grizzly and the evening is about eating dinner and bedtime routine. She then has to travel early Monday morning to be at breakfast club at 8am. It's just not worthwhile for her

DP and DSD don't really have any quality time together. There's no opportunity for cuddles in bed in the morning, a leisurely breakfast. He basically does school stuff (which he's happy with) but feels the current arrangement isn't in DSD best interest.

He has suggested a shift which means no loss of time for her. He takes her on a Saturday night about 5:30 on the weeks where it's a 10am Sunday and on the 5pm Sunday the ex keeps her and takes her to school on the Monday.

He first of all suggested it in person but she dismissed it immediately. He asked again the following week and she wasn't interested. A couple of weeks later she asked him to have DSD as she wanted to go to a spa for her birthday. She then asked to have her overnight on Mother's Day. They are not unreasonable-requests and DP always tries his best to accommodate her (believe me she asks a lot of him and he asks barely anything in return) but he pointed out to her that what she was asking was exactly the routine he proposed so why not try it. She again refused.

Her reasons for refusing....DSD is all she has. And she likes the freedom to go to her friends for sleepovers (ex friend but DSD friend). We do understand this but she has 6 other nights a month for these sleepovers. It's these sleepovers along with a very hectic week which is tiring her out. DP honestly thinks it's in DSD interest to have 1 day a week where she doesn't HAVE TO do something and just be with either parent.

DP emailed her today. It was a lovely and kind email and highlighted where he feels DSD will benefit etc. Ex refused to even read it at first and when she eventually did she said this is all about you (DP) and refused to even speak with him!

Even if it was because he never gets a full day with her, what would be wrong with that?! But it isn't. We've had countless issues on Sundays (I've posted about her expecting him to pick up from the pub etc) . There's so many reasons

DP has bent over backwards for this woman. He's always done extra, accommodated most requests. He used to have every Sunday with Dsd from 10am but the ex asked for every other Sunday so she could have a family day with her DP as DSD has swimming lessons etc on a Saturday. My DP didn't argue, agreed to it but she never gives him the same respect in return

WWYD? It seems such a small issue to take it further for, but at the same time he gets less time with DSD than an eow Dad (ex has refused to let him have eow) and he honestly feels this change will benefit everyone. Ex always moans about not having Saturday nights free but she won't commit to set Saturdays and thinks it should be when it suits her only (when she has plans). It's not right. He doesn't want to start a war, yet he doesn't want to keep being dictated to. Help please

PhelanThePain Wed 28-Feb-18 18:55:11

It makes total sense, I would keep asking in his shoes. Not sure how to persuade her though. Is there a court order or solicitors?

TwoDots Wed 28-Feb-18 19:01:30

No there isn't. It was a private agreement between them. He's been looking at it the past year and it's not working well in places. She says he agreed to their arrangement so tough but surely it can be reviewed if something isn't working or circumstances change?

We just don't know whether it's worth going down a more formal route.....will it make matters worse?

I should add he always bent over backwards for her and said yes to everything (giving up his sundays as an example) because she threatens to move back to her own country. He has said no to a couple of things since (like taking even more holiday to support her holidays or social life) and the threats have come back. I feel he needs to protect himself but at the same time you don't want to rock the boat too much

Pleasebeafleabite Wed 28-Feb-18 22:11:51

I think he should pursue it mainly because from what you say the sleepovers are making dsd too tired to make the most of the time she has with you.

It sounds to me like they could do with some mediation before it escalates

laloup1 Thu 01-Mar-18 07:47:26

It sounds like your situation would benefit from formalising via a court order.
If only one parent is providing give and take them an informal arrangement is not working well.

laloup1 Thu 01-Mar-18 07:47:54


TwoDots Thu 01-Mar-18 09:14:34

Do you think a court would entertain it? Seems so small but it is important. DP made it as low impact as possible in the hope she would agree

Dancingmonkey87 Thu 01-Mar-18 12:42:19

Maybe alter it so she arrive Sunday morning giving your dp the day time to do something . That being said he’s only doing normal parent stuff that most parents do which involves school runs taking dc to activities.

upsideup Thu 01-Mar-18 12:48:44

Have you considered just doing alternative weeks? Surely that makes more sense than disrupting all her weeks and weekends.

TwoDots Thu 01-Mar-18 12:52:12

@Dancingmonkey87 she already arrives on Sunday morning . There are issues with this.

I also said DP does not mind doing normal parenting stuff but surely it's not out of order to want at least a day or 2 a month where he has a full day with her?!

The ex won't change the arrangement at all. We've tried to suggest the smallest change with only positive impact to DSD

Dancingmonkey87 Thu 01-Mar-18 13:27:28

If she arrives early Sunday morning surely that’s his full day with her? I would imagine the dm would have full day Saturday and would be dealing with the school run activities from Wednesday afternoon onwards? No? It’s just a case of asking for every Sunday morning not eow Sunday morning?

Dancingmonkey87 Thu 01-Mar-18 13:50:38

We do every week where me and my ex have one day of the weekend with DS which works extremely well. Week1 he collects ds on Friday from school returns at Saturday 5pm and week2 he has Sunday 9am and drops him off at school Monday. Every Tuesday he has him from school and takes him to school Wednesday. I think what your dp currently gets is pretty standard minus the second week collection at 5pm. It enables both parents to spend one day of the weekend with each other.

TwoDots Thu 01-Mar-18 14:57:12

That is the issue...he used to have that but now ex refuses to give it back. Hence why he's asked for the most minimal of changes

The ex won't budge on a thing. DSD is never really ready at 10am, things forgotten etc

Bit even a full day every other week is not on...but she won't budge

Dancingmonkey87 Thu 01-Mar-18 15:48:24

I think if your dp has 50/50 it would be good to have his own school shoes,school bag and uniform for his house. Why has the contact decreased from 10am? You said you posted before so I looked at your other threads which seem to be about the ex. It seems such a lot of hassle in such a short space of time in this relationship and a lot of this revolves around access and drop offs. I think this is something you might need to take a step back with and allow your dp and ex to discuss things. What this your dps daughter said?

TwoDots Thu 01-Mar-18 17:39:14

He does have uniform...he has everything! Typical judgements. But as he always takes her to school on Wednesday and the ex picks up, the stuff always goes back there. Unless he buys new stuff every week I'm not sure what he can do

He (stupidly) agreed to losing those Sundays as he went through a long time of not being able to say no as he lived in fear (ex always threatening to move back to Sweden). He's starting to change this though

Thank you for your input but I don't see how I'm stopping them from dealing with anything, I don't get involved apart from listening to and supporting my partner and trying to get ideas to help him on here (he's not a forum man). The only way I can step back is to tell him I'm not interested. I'm not involved in this other than to support him. I don't mean to sound rude saying that.

He can't seem to sort anything with her. She refuses to read anything, refuses to talk:..only bothered when she's asking for a favour. Any advice on what to do would be great....not so I can get involved but give him some ideas

TwoDots Thu 01-Mar-18 17:41:03

I should also add I've encouraged them to go for coffee and I look after DSD so they can sort things out. I do t stop them from discussing anything

DSD doesn't say much. She's a very young 5 year old of that makes sense? We can only go off behaviour right now

RandomMess Thu 01-Mar-18 17:44:39

Go to mediation and court, both parents need quality time with their child. Sounds like he needs to also look at a prohibitive steps order is she keeps threatening to move her abroad.

SunshineAfterRain Thu 01-Mar-18 18:05:46

Mediation is a very good idea like RandomMess said.
If your partner wanted to go to court the judge would most probably suggest mediation first.
There they can agree contact and sign to agree and if it is not stuck to- keep a diary of time keeping/ absences- then your dp would be able to show what he is dealing with to a judge in court.

greenlanes Thu 01-Mar-18 18:23:21

My ex is very inflexible. His way or no way. My DC has lost out over the last couple of years and not been taken to their only activity, so I emailed my ex to offer to help. He wont even reply. My DC is now early teens so I will be trying mediation but am not optimistic. The problem I have is if this goes to court my ex's refusal to cooperate wont be part of the discussion and it should be. How can it be genuine co-parenting? You just get the nonsense about parenting differences. These parents are selfish and it will take a judge to rebuke them and make an order before they will change. In my situation it was all about control and avoiding paying maintenance. Not an interest in the child's wellbeing.

swingofthings Thu 01-Mar-18 18:26:51

Could they at least swap so that he picks up on the early Sundays and she does the drop off on Sunday evenings. If so, maybe he could pick up at 9:30am and then he really does have a full day with her + make sure he collects all that needs collecting?

TwoDots Thu 01-Mar-18 18:54:22

Thank you for the positive input. @greenlanes your ex sounds similar to this one. Unable to really think about the child

@swingofthings in theory it's a good idea however this is also refused as the ex likes to drink on a Sunday. It doesn't tackle some other things either

Has anyone had a positive experience with mediation?

swingofthings Thu 01-Mar-18 19:18:30

He takes her on a Saturday night about 5:30 on the weeks where it's a 10am Sunday and on the 5pm Sunday the ex keeps her and takes her to school on the Monday
Which part is the issue for her, the picking up on Saturday rather than Sunday or having to take her DD to school on the Monday morning?

If he is prepared to pick her up on Saturday morning, then maybe he needs to accept picking her up Sunday mornings and dropping her off on the Monday, this way, he gets her even more.

TwoDots Thu 01-Mar-18 19:56:18

Saturday morning is out of the question swing. She won't allow him to pick up in Saturday evening nevermind the morning. Sorry if my post is confusing...harder writing on these forums than you think

He has done morning pick ups on a Sunday and it's a nightmare. You get texts first thing asking to pick up from someone else's house, then she changes her mind, then changes again. Honestly she's quite flaky. He will stand at the door for 15 mins as DSD not ready. Things are still often forgotten as it's rare the ex stays in her own home. As I said she does thee sleepovers at her friends so she doesn't have her things always

It's the Saturday nights she objects to because of these sleepovers. It's only 2 hours before bedtime she'd be losing (well she would gain this on a Sunday) but she's not having any of it

TooSassy Fri 02-Mar-18 10:16:12

How old is the child and if she's old enough to be sleeping over at friends then she's probably old enough to have a say in what she would like? I'd start there.

Mediation is also a superb idea. My mediator was the reason my ex and I didn't end up in court. Divorce is hard and a good mediator does the job of sorting through the emotions and making you focus on the children.
It's also good to have the fact that you have tried to go this route should things deteriorate and you do end up in court.

I would say as an aside, that my ex gets friday and saturday nights most weekends (i'd say three out of 4). Two mornings of cuddles and lazy lie ins etc with our DC. I get rushed school runs. But you know what? My DC want to be at home school nights and they love seeing their dad on the days they do. It works for my DC, they are thriving so I wouldn't dream of changing it, unless they said they wanted to. Sometimes as parents, we have to bite the bullet and just accept that if the children are happy, then what we want comes secondary.

TwoDots Fri 02-Mar-18 10:32:56

I get that sassy. All my DP is asking for is 2 out of 8...not even asking for half. I've also explained all the other reasons why this isn't working

I must reiterate that the sleepovers are at the ex's friends house, not DSD friend. DSD is 5

I will suggest mediation but in people's experience does this make a relationship better or worse? I mean will it make things worse between them ?

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